There’s always that one type of annoying Facebook friend that you don’t want to see in your newsfeed. Good thing Facebook has enabled the unfollow button to hide them from your personalized newspaper.
1. The Spoiler
I’ll be more specific on this, if you missed the last episode of The Walking Dead, you might want to stay away from social media or the internet because surely, there will be people who would update such spoiler news on their walls. And you would hate it… and I know what you’re going to do next.
2. The Hashtagger
#too #much #hashtags #what #is #that? #is #this #the #in #thing #now?
There’s a proper way to use hashtags my dear.
3. The Dear Diary
Have you ever heard of blogger.com? Do you even know the word blog?
There’s a big difference between a status and a blog. Nobody would ever read a status update that says “see more” at the end of it. Facebook is not yet a public diary if I’m not mistaken. Cut your long status update short and don’t make it your daily blog.
4. The Me, Myself and I
I am truly glad to see a picture update from you but seeing a selfie from you every hour is just too much. Not to mention your Instagram updates full of yourself and an album with the title, “Me, Myself and I” that you keep up-to-date each day too.
5. The Liquifier
Okay, maybe you’re a model-wannabe and you’re skilled in Photoshop but that doesn’t mean you can edit every photo that you have to post it on Facebook. It’s okay to liquify it a bit but if it reached the point that you’re changing a whale to be as slim as Dory in Finding Nemo, you might want to tweak it back to make it more believable.
6. The Preacher
Granted that you’re really religious and you read the bible daily, it’s okay to post and share a bible verse once in a while. But sharing it every day will do no good.
7. The Fisher
People saying “I look so awful” or “I look so ugly” either through a status update or a photo. Seriously, if you’re just trying to make somebody tell you that you really look good and fish for more compliments, you better stop. That certainly is a sign that you’re just looking for reassurance and attention.
8. The Flooder
Liking spree, sharing everything. Too much posts basically. Those memes from 9gag are really funny. Yes, I totally agree with you but when it comes to sharing it on Facebook every split second, it is another issue. You can just ask us to go to 9gag to see all those funny things.
9. The Relative
To that fan who is actually your relative:
I appreciate that you always acknowledge my posts on Facebook but doing it every time I post something is too much. Stop stalking everything on my wall.”
10. The Grammar Nazi
You’re more likely to be more conscious of your posts on Facebook when you’re aware that there’s a Grammar Nazi in your friends list but this one is different:
Post: “It annoys me when people mix up “there” and “they’re” like your so dumb”
You might be the one unfollowing this person.
1. From the moment you declare your major, you will claim authority over any and all grammar or spelling disputes that arise in everyday conversations. If two friends are squabbling about the difference between affect and effect, you but have to say, “English major!” and whatever you decree to be the right answer is accepted without contest.
2. Although any and all English majors will publicly scorn Sparknotes and decry it as a bastard resource, it is secretly a very awesome tool. Most books you read are old enough or famous enough to have a Sparknotes page, and even a fair amount of poetry; sure, it’s more satisfying to understand what’s going on in the book on your own, but it’s better to not show up for class clueless. Most of us English majors are great a bullshitting essays and the like—this skill transfers over well to bullshitting in-class discussions on books we may or may not have actually read.
3. Every so often—more often than you might think—you have already read a book you need to read for class because the list of great, classic literature that professors like to teach is evidently pretty finite. Yes, we are higher appreciators of literature who wish to expand our personal canon by reading new and exciting works with every course we take. But it is actually pretty sweet to find out that there is one less book you have to read for that class (unless you want to—I reread Pride & Prejudice for a freshman writing class because I actually enjoy reading it, but the same cannot be said for The Odyssey).
4. “Watching movies in class is still a thing for you,” said a nursing student friend of mine quite jadedly. You may have noticed by now that many English majors are also really into movies (myself included). That English majors are often movie buffs is a fact. My Advanced Writing professor simultaneously taught a Horror Film Studies course. As a mere sophomore I have not taken many upper level English courses, but so far every English class I have taken has shown movies in it. All of our qualities that make us appreciate literature—ability to pick up on subtle devices, understanding of different techniques and styles, appreciation for a good story, and so on—also make us enthusiastic movie-goers. Once you turn on that deep, intellectual, analytical brain for reading, it stays on for every movie you watch.
5. You’ll get chummy with some really great professors. We are the types of students who stay in touch with our professors after the semester ends, get advice on our personal lives from them during office hours, join them for tea to discuss films, go out to a pub as a class for a round on the professor to celebrate the end of the semester. These things do not happen with intimidating, unapproachable teachers that seem to teach all other kinds of subjects—you certainly won’t have the chance to get close with your Biology 101 professor in a lecture hall that holds 300 students. English professors are awesome, friendly, intelligent, approachable people (the good ones). They’re interested in what you have to say, but also challenge you to think harder.
6. You will meet people who admire you for majoring in English. Yes, you will grow to want to punch anyone who asks “What do you plan to do for a career?” or “do you want to teach?” No matter in how well-meaning of a tone that person tries to ask, these are questions you are very sick of hearing. And sometimes they’re not even really trying to sound well-meaning (cough, cough, business majors). But you will also meet some people who wished themselves they had majored in the humanities, and envy that you actually did it. They probably chickened out and majored in something really practical and specific per the advice of their parents, like human resources or accounting, but they admire that you are actually studying what you want to study. Once in a while you may also meet someone who majors in something really technical, like some sort of math or science, because that’s what they’re good at and they are actually quite bad at English. Yes, “bad at English” is something I struggle to wrap my head around too, but some people will really admire the work you do as English major because they can’t do it themselves. That will make you feel pretty special.
7. Your major doesn’t matter anyway. You’re in college to learn. Short of pre-med students and engineering students, most every person in your graduating class is going to spend a year either unemployed, in an unpaid internship, working in retail or food service, or working as a low-pay secretary or assistant or some other dead-end office job, regardless of whether you studied media studies or social justice or marketing or whatever. And really, English degrees are more marketable than you think. You think employers are going to look at your résumé and say, “Uh oh, no, we can’t hire her, her abilities to read and think critically, edit writing, write well, communicate well with others, hear out others’ ideas, compose research, speak well to a crowd and carry on an interesting conversation with clients will not go over well in this job and work environment”? Oh please.
1. The 2 for 1 deal.
I did not enjoy pregnancy and counted down the days until it was over and I could shed the 75, yes 75 pounds that I gained and feel like I had some control over my body again. Having twins is incredibly hard, but knowing I’m not going to be pregnant again (or at least for a very, very long time) is a big plus.
2. The attention.
Being pregnant with (and being a mom to) twins, you feel like a celebrity. When they’re babies, everyone you walk by will enthusiastically exclaim, “Is it twiiiiiins?!?!” The answer to this question is so painfully obvious that some could find it annoying, however when you are stuck in the house with twin babies feeling like you have absolutely no idea what you are doing day after day after day, any human interaction feels like a win. Especially one where you play the rock star.
3. Loving your husband even more.
A dad of twins is essentially a second mom. At 3AM when you are each semi-awake with the twins and are both covered in equal amounts of milk, poop, drool and probably your own tears, you realize wow, I love this guy even more than the day he was tearing up the dance floor to “Take me Home Tonight” at our wedding.
4. Photos Opps.
I mean, hello?
5. Double the milestones.
So far raising twins has been hard. Like harder than running a marathon hard (I have run a marathon and trust me this is wayyy harder. Some days I honestly feel like I would enjoy running 26.2 miles over caring for twins). But of course, there are moments that make everything worth it. First smiles, rolls, steps, hugs, words. And the greatest part is, if you miss the chance to catch one of these spectacular moments on camera, you have a second chance with the other kid usually only days away!
6. Best Buds.
I have not experienced this one yet (even though people keep telling me they will be “instant playmates!”) since right now they mostly try to grab, bite, knock each other over and cause general harm to one another. But I’m ready and waiting for the day that they play peacefully together while I sit on the couch and watch anything on Bravo while drinking a hot coffee.
7. The Ultimate Excuse.
Can’t fit into any of your pre-pregnancy clothes 18 months later? Does your stomach look like road map that a tractor drove over? Haven’t so much as looked at your husband in 3 days? Having take out for dinner 5 nights in a row? Don’t want to go to that wedding shower? Ignore all phone calls? Cancel plans last minute? It’s fine, you have twins!
8. The Twin Bond.
My guys just started talking a lot, and in the morning they wake up saying, “Hi brubber!” from crib to crib. Holy cuteness. I mean, come on! I melt.
9. The Kindness of Others.
I live in the northeast which is not known for being the friendliest of places. (Hello, did you hear about the winter we just had?!) That being said, it’s humbling how much family, friends, and strangers are willing to help when it comes to twins. And we’ll take it.
10. Endless Entertainment.
Twins are Expensive with a capital E. But the good news? There’s no need to pay for expenses like cable TV or movies at theaters. Who can beat this?
1. So, you texted your roommate a picture of that almost brown auburn color you thought would look super cute on you. You spent your grocery money for the week on that box of color and junk food for your hair dying extravaganza, and set out for home… Now, you have orange hair and you haven’t even blown it all the way dry yet. You start to freak out and don’t know whether to cry or to scream but DEAR GOD MY HAIR IS ORANGE.
2. Google becomes your BFF for a few minutes. While you work really hard at trying to not replay your mother saying “I just don’t want you to ruin your pretty hair” over and over in your head and wanting to slap yourself for making such a stupid mistake, you search for “Hair Dye Gone Wrong Fixes” and pray to God that your hair doesn’t fall out of your head.
3. Walmart run at 2 AM to get a dark color that will cover this shit up while you pray that no one is looking at you as you walk through the grocery store with your new hair dye. You ask siri to find a homemade deep conditioning treatment, and walk to the condiment aisle when she tells you that mayonnaise is your best bet. Self checkout is closed so you’re forced to pay at a register where you avoid the obvious “What is a girl like you doing out this late” looks you’re getting from the cashier.
4. The drive home you start to think about how your hair would look super short, just in case the shit starts to fall out as you pour more chemicals on your head in a few minutes.
5. You get home and hair dye extravaganza no more, your roommate is on her way to bed. You are in this alone kid.
6. You remember just how much you hate the smell of mayonnaise.
7. You realize just how gross putting mayonnaise on your head really is and try not to gag while it sits on top of your head and stinks it up.
8. You wash out the mayonnaise and blow dry your still unfortunately orange hair and think to yourself how pissed your mom is going to be if you come home with a pixie cut for family pictures.
9. You start the re-dying process, and wonder if your head is really burning and itching or if that’s just your brain and the evil orange hair dye playing tricks on you.
10. You wash out the dye after less than the recommended time on the box, and apply more mayonnaise. Cue gagging yet again.
11. You wash out the mayonnaise and blow dry just the roots to make sure your hair is semi normal again. Nothing falls out. You pass out way too late.
12. You wake up the next afternoon (lets be real here, you did not get up the next morning) and think for a minute that it must have been a dream. Then, you look at the mirror at your almost black but not quite black hair, and realize that you spent about an hour with mayonnaise on your head last night and vow to never speak of it again.
I sell Mercedes. I once had a 24-year old man come in, saying he wanted to buy a black SLS we had on the showroom floor. He had started a Facebook page a few days prior and thought that he had gone viral and was now rich. He had been promoting his page and even though it only had 150 likes, it had 18k views. He was telling me how it’s been hard to cope with his new found fame and that he isn’t going to forget the little people. He tried to buy a 0k car with his Facebook page as proof of income. He had in his checking account.
I knew a kid back in 4th grade who was in the shot when a local news station interviewed his mother on the street about who-remembers-what. He brought the tape in and the teacher had us all watch it. (I grew up in a podunk little town in the middle of nowhere, so this was a big deal.) Little bastard acted like a diva the rest of the year.
At my old job I had a student that was on that one MTV show where they try to reshape you into whatever you want to be. I think she wanted to make the varsity basketball team or something. I’ve never seen this show or watch MTV and she introduced herself to me that she was on that show which was utterly confusing. She would talk about this in her classes and I think she even offered to sign autographs. It was incredibly awkward.
A kid a few towns over was on that show, his dream was to be on the varsity basketball team. I ran into him at a party a few years after. He introduced himself as the kid from Made, and tried it as a pickup line most the night. I don’t remember his name.
In high school I had a friend who was generally pretty shy and quiet. One day a cute girl gave him a compliment about looking hot, and his confidence level suddenly skyrocketed.
It was like night and day; all of a sudden he started wearing collared shirts for the purpose of popping them, and prefrayed trucker hats on an angle. He also started treating his friends like shit, and tried very hard to get into the “it” crowd of the school. This was in our senior year, and he inevitably carried his new cocky attitude to college.
I remember visiting him to catch up, and all he could talk about were all the girls he’d boned and how much booze he could drink. He ended up ditching out from having beers with old friends about 30 minutes into showing up, because it was a sausage fest.
I got a random call from him 6 months after that asking me to come by for a visit. He wanted someone there to talk to because he had knocked up one of the girls he’d been with, and all his bros suddenly weren’t available for support.
He has 2 kids now, and is a pretty okay dad, but he’s still an absolute douche when it comes to women. He treats his wife like crap, and always thinks every girl wants him.
It’s all still so odd to me, because the guy used to be very nice and reserved, but he’s been puffing his chest ever since that one compliment in high school.
TL;DR Guy called hot, went full alpha.
Our local traffic lady on the news goes to my gym hiding like leonardo dicaprio from paparazzi
In kindergarten this kid, J.J. got to bring the lunch count to the office and pick up the milk one day. He acted like it meant he had a ten foot cock made of gold and had been named king of the Earth and emperor of the moon. Motherfucker thought he was hot shit for like a week. Maybe he didn’t get much praise at home or something. Fuck that kid.
This kid from my high school, out of nowhere, started posting tweets like he was famous and bought a bunch of twitter followers so he was around 50k… acted like he was better than everyone and we should be bowing down to him. Now (a few years later) he’s in college and has around 100k followers and made a song that got to like #150 on the itunes edm chart.
He tells people he’s opening for big names and has shows on warped tour every year but no amount of research has ever shown that to be true. One thing he does that’s pretty insane is to post naked pictures of girls on twitter that he edited to look like snapchat pictures that he was sent, claiming that random fangirls send him nudes all of the time.
It’s not so much that a small amount of fame has gotten to his head, I just think his lie is so many layers deep he actually thinks its the truth now. It’s quite saddening to watch from the outside.
If you’ve ever met a “beauty guru” youtube vlogger with more than 10k subscribers in real life…. those girls think they are THE SHIT and that everyone knows who they are. Nope.
I was in the Navy for awhile after HS. I noticed that Officers SO’s would go around using their husbands rank and that they are the wife of an Ensign. Like bitch, I’m not saluting to you. Did you earn the title? Are you in the military? No. Fuck off. That’s what I want to say.
I have a facebook acquaintance who is an aspiring actress, but she’s never had a speaking role in anything and takes whatever extra jobs she can get. This in itself wouldn’t be bad at all — paying your dues, learning more about the business, etc.
But her facebook statuses are constantly about “preparing for my big scene with Celebrity X tomorrow!”… “Celebrity Y was totally checking me out on set today!” … “Up at 4:30 to make my 5:00 call time on set, such is the life of a working actress.”
Whenever someone unintentionally calls her out on her BS, e.g. with a supportive comment like, “You got a speaking role with X?! Congrats! What is your line?” their comment is promptly deleted. I know, I know, I probably should just block her but the whole charade is oddly fascinating.
I worked security at Toronto’s Union Station (a train station). There had been a One Direction concert at the adjoining Air Canada Centre, and afterwards I saw a group of pre-teen girls rushing this other pre-teen girl, asking for photos and autographs. Turns out she was some “lucky ticket holder” and got to go on stage and take a selfie with the band. That’s it. And there was a crowd of 30+ girls around her asking for photos and autographs. Maybe not exactly an example of ‘going to her head’ but it was certainly bizarre and really made me think about this unhealthy obsession with fame. I wanted to take a photo but I only take pictures of little girls at the park.
I know a girl who was in “The Social Network” who was one of the models they used in the beginning when they were scrolling through the hot or not site.
After that “role” she immediately moved to Hollywood. Progress is still pending.
My friend was on Jerry Springer and when he got back he made his own website referring to himself as “an aspiring actor”. He actually talks about when he got into guitar and when he made his “acting debut” on the website. He even posted about going back for an update show. It’s been a year and he’s been recognized ONCE from Springer at a local restaurant.
A kid at my school had like 100 you tube views on one of his raps.
Over night he started becoming more of a “rapper” and less of a white suburban male from the Philadelphia area. He became a total asshole.
His biggest worry/fear was
“losing his fame.”
LINE LEADER. IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. EVERY TIME.
Girl I was friends with in college won a local pageant for the Miss America organization. Crazy bitch wore her crown out in public for the next week.
If you don’t know the Miss America structure, a local pageant is the first step to the state pageant. There are 30+ local crowns given out in our state, and none of them require a girl to wear her local crown in public before the state pageant. It was super uncomfortable to be seen with her like that.