I’m sure all of us have noticed the recent trend of internet lists. You know what I’m talking about: “10 Reasons Why Summer Is the Best,” “15 Ways That Mornings Suck,” and the most popular are always, “Some Random Number About How A Man Should Do Something To Or For A Woman.”

I’m not so sure what spiked the popularity of these lists. Is it because we’re all too lazy to read an entire article and a list just sums it up for us? Or, possibly, because at least one of those things is always so blatantly obvious that we end up saying, “O-M-G! That is totes me and exactly how I want my dream-boo to be!” I’m definitely guilty of reposting some of the funny ones about best friends because, well, sometimes I am too lazy to read an entire article, and sometimes it does “totes remind me of my besties.” However, almost all of the ones that I run across about relationships and what a woman wants just make me want to smack some people in the face.

I realize that I’m not a very typical woman so make of this what you will, but some of these are the dumbest things I’ve ever seen in my life. The lists normally consist of things like: honesty, faithfulness, support, caring, and on and on and on about what all we need to start wanting in a relationship.

Listen here, ladies: if you have to continuously read a list to remind you that you need to look for these things in a relationship, then go home and kick your dad in the balls. All of these things should have been instilled into your brain from the time that you were born. There comes a point when you become an adult and you need to know that these are common grounds for even a shitty relationship.

I honestly think my parents may have done too good of a job of letting me know how I deserve to be treated, because I have become one cocky bitch as I’ve gotten older. When you constantly have your parents telling you that you is kind, you is smart, and you is important, that eventually sticks! I know my dad thinks that I’m the third or fourth (I now fall behind my two nieces and it depends on who’s pissed him off more that day, me or my mom) most awesome lady on the planet, and I hate to break it to you, that’s the only man I need to validate my awesomeness. Ol’ Ma and Pa did a pretty good job of inflating this ego for me, I don’t need anyone else to push it along.

So, I’ve decided to make a realistic list of what, maybe not all women, but definitely women like me, would have in a perfect relationship scenario:

1. If I wake up at 11:00 pm to eat Cheetos, or ice cream, or a four-course meal, don’t say a word about it. Just grab a spoon and join in.

2. Watch some of my girly TV shows with me. No, Real Housewives of Any Goddamn State in America is not the most manly show at all, but if you actually watch, these people are ridiculous and hilarious. I mean Little Women of L.A. is a show about a group of little people friends. It’s gold!

3. Make me laugh. I love to laugh and it’s not that hard to make me laugh. Farts, people falling, talking shit about anyone, it’s all going to get me going. You have endless laughing resources — use them.

4. Laugh at me. Appreciate my sense of humor. Yes, I cuss too much, and I make extremely inappropriate jokes at extremely inappropriate times, but that stuff is funny. Don’t be all Judgey-Mc-FuckFace because I made a Dead Grandma joke when you know you really want to laugh at it.

5. If I put my cold feet on you in the middle of the night, just adjust and don’t bitch about it. I can’t help it they’re constantly blocks of ice and I can’t sleep with socks, damn it.

6. Love my dogs. If you don’t love my dogs, then you might as well hit the road, Jack. I don’t care if they’re annoying and jump on your balls every time you sit down, they’re awesome to me and only I am allowed to complain about them.

7. Don’t get grossed out because I have the same bodily functions as you. I mean, I’ll try not to announce it every time I have to go to the bathroom, but if I say, “Hurry up, we need to go,” it’s a code. I’m not going to cause myself discomfort just so you don’t get disgusted. Deal with it.

8. Don’t waste your time being all romantic, just learn what I like. The surprises that I like most are simple as hell. A Slim Jim and a 6-pack of craft beer? Be still my heart.

9. Just let me be myself. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything about me (as it’s plain to see from this list) so just roll with it. 

And that, ladies and gents, is my perfect list. There’s no security, loyalty, or any of that other bullshit on my list because that shouldn’t have to be said. All of that stuff is the understood groundwork and the above are things that you want and can adjust. I might can stop putting my cold feet on someone, but if having to make sure they know being honest and caring is part of the deal, then I’ll just stick to being single. I like taking up the whole bed anyway. TC mark

featured image – The Office









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cool kids , never die
quotes on we heart it

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Friends with Benefits
Friends with Benefits

“[INSERT PERSON THEY’RE DATING’S NAME] IS MY #MCM/#WCW!”

This is the new Facebook official. I know, Facebook official isn’t exactly old, but recently people find comfort and security in their face being plastered all over the person they’re seeing’s Instagram. Being vocal about your feelings and showing the person off is an elaborate, adoring way of calling dibs.

“Have fun with that.” or “lol have fun”

Ruh roh. You’re going somewhere or doing something they aren’t thrilled about, and they’re passive aggressively expressing their dissatisfaction with your decision. They don’t want you to “have fun.” They want you to have none of the fun. Know that responding “Thanks!” is a surefire way to make the situation 100% worse.

“He’s/She’s creepy/clingy/thirsty.”

Maybe this person is actually creepy, clingy or thirsty, but maybe, just maybe they’re only making a reasonable amount of effort, but the feelings of attraction aren’t mutual, thus it’s not labeled charming, it’s off-putting.

(After 8+ hours) “I just saw your text.”

Rare moments when it’s the honest truth aside, this usually means “I blew you off and didn’t even care enough to come up with an elaborate lie.” Brutal.

*Liking a bunch of the person they’re interested in’s selfies on Instagram*

This probably means, “I like what I’m seeing, feel free to send a direct, private message.” Same goes for faving tweets, or liking Facebook stuff, it’s all the equivalent of flirtatiously batting your lashes, and inviting a move to be made.

“He/She’s giving mixed signals.”

Someone liked a bunch of their selfies, favorited their tweets, and was all over their Facebook wall, but then didn’t respond to a private message.

“The person I’m dating and I trust each other, so we don’t mind sharing passwords and checking each other’s Facebook accounts.”

They have serious insecurities and trust issues, failing to realize that checking each other’s social media profiles is about as untrusting as it gets.

(After their number is requested) “YOU give me YOUR number and I’ll text you.”

It’s not looking good. This could be a precaution to stave off crazies, but if they truly intend to text you, you’re going to get their number anyway, right? For that reason, this is a grim sign and you’ll likely never hear from them, but in the moment it has to feel better than a blunt “No.”

“Not having someone to cuddle with sucks.”

Translation: It’s October-to-December-ish and the cool weather and changing seasons signed my permission slip approving me to go on a feel trip. The cold is a reminder of the lack of warm bodies nearby to snuggle with.

“Being single is exhausting.”

They saw something that looked wild and crazy on social media, and now think they’d rather be dating.

“Dating someone is exhausting.”

They saw something that looked romantic and tender on social media, and now think they’d rather be single.

(To the person they’re currently dating) “So-and-so has been being all flirty and stuff with me, it’s funny.”

This means, “You have competition. Feel threatened.” They might want to see you squirm, maybe to stroke their ego, or maybe to motivate you to make a move and take things to the next level if you already haven’t.

“Literally all of my exes are crazy.” (When they have 3+ exes)

The misfortune of dating two psychos is feasible, but anything more and it’s suspect. Either they’re actually the crazy one, and are unwilling to look in the mirror, or they drive their exes to Insanity Blvd. and drop ‘em off on the side of the road. This statement is one of the reddest flags.

“Want to play 20 questions?”

They’re going to ask what kind of music you like best, and you’ll say “Mostly country” or “I listen to everything but country,” and then after you discuss favorite colors and animals, somehow the topic will inevitably, awkwardly, abruptly and vulgarly change to sex.

*Silence while purposely taking long to text or call*

They actually like the person, and the best way to not ruin any interest their crush might have is to appear to have higher priorities than interacting them, right? At least, that’s what recent norms have convinced the masses to believe. Nothing shows interest like not showing interest.

“We’re talking.”

They’re avoiding any established, deep-rooted commitment because the vagueness of whatever it is they’re doing allows wiggle room for any hurt feelings or “mistakes” to be justifiable.

“Have a goodnight.” (at 8pm or earlier)

You’ve been dismissed. Relieved of your conversational duties for the evening. The sender certainly isn’t going to sleep this early; they’re just shunning you for several hours so you can think about what you’ve done to irritate them. This is the dating equivalent of being put in timeout. TC mark









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Friends with Benefits
Friends with Benefits

“[INSERT PERSON THEY’RE DATING’S NAME] IS MY #MCM/#WCW!”

This is the new Facebook official. I know, Facebook official isn’t exactly old, but recently people find comfort and security in their face being plastered all over the person they’re seeing’s Instagram. Being vocal about your feelings and showing the person off is an elaborate, adoring way of calling dibs.

“Have fun with that.” or “lol have fun”

Ruh roh. You’re going somewhere or doing something they aren’t thrilled about, and they’re passive aggressively expressing their dissatisfaction with your decision. They don’t want you to “have fun.” They want you to have none of the fun. Know that responding “Thanks!” is a surefire way to make the situation 100% worse.

“He’s/She’s creepy/clingy/thirsty.”

Maybe this person is actually creepy, clingy or thirsty, but maybe, just maybe they’re only making a reasonable amount of effort, but the feelings of attraction aren’t mutual, thus it’s not labeled charming, it’s off-putting.

(After 8+ hours) “I just saw your text.”

Rare moments when it’s the honest truth aside, this usually means “I blew you off and didn’t even care enough to come up with an elaborate lie.” Brutal.

*Liking a bunch of the person they’re interested in’s selfies on Instagram*

This probably means, “I like what I’m seeing, feel free to send a direct, private message.” Same goes for faving tweets, or liking Facebook stuff, it’s all the equivalent of flirtatiously batting your lashes, and inviting a move to be made.

“He/She’s giving mixed signals.”

Someone liked a bunch of their selfies, favorited their tweets, and was all over their Facebook wall, but then didn’t respond to a private message.

“The person I’m dating and I trust each other, so we don’t mind sharing passwords and checking each other’s Facebook accounts.”

They have serious insecurities and trust issues, failing to realize that checking each other’s social media profiles is about as untrusting as it gets.

(After their number is requested) “YOU give me YOUR number and I’ll text you.”

It’s not looking good. This could be a precaution to stave off crazies, but if they truly intend to text you, you’re going to get their number anyway, right? For that reason, this is a grim sign and you’ll likely never hear from them, but in the moment it has to feel better than a blunt “No.”

“Not having someone to cuddle with sucks.”

Translation: It’s October-to-December-ish and the cool weather and changing seasons signed my permission slip approving me to go on a feel trip. The cold is a reminder of the lack of warm bodies nearby to snuggle with.

“Being single is exhausting.”

They saw something that looked wild and crazy on social media, and now think they’d rather be dating.

“Dating someone is exhausting.”

They saw something that looked romantic and tender on social media, and now think they’d rather be single.

(To the person they’re currently dating) “So-and-so has been being all flirty and stuff with me, it’s funny.”

This means, “You have competition. Feel threatened.” They might want to see you squirm, maybe to stroke their ego, or maybe to motivate you to make a move and take things to the next level if you already haven’t.

“Literally all of my exes are crazy.” (When they have 3+ exes)

The misfortune of dating two psychos is feasible, but anything more and it’s suspect. Either they’re actually the crazy one, and are unwilling to look in the mirror, or they drive their exes to Insanity Blvd. and drop ‘em off on the side of the road. This statement is one of the reddest flags.

“Want to play 20 questions?”

They’re going to ask what kind of music you like best, and you’ll say “Mostly country” or “I listen to everything but country,” and then after you discuss favorite colors and animals, somehow the topic will inevitably, awkwardly, abruptly and vulgarly change to sex.

*Silence while purposely taking long to text or call*

They actually like the person, and the best way to not ruin any interest their crush might have is to appear to have higher priorities than interacting them, right? At least, that’s what recent norms have convinced the masses to believe. Nothing shows interest like not showing interest.

“We’re talking.”

They’re avoiding any established, deep-rooted commitment because the vagueness of whatever it is they’re doing allows wiggle room for any hurt feelings or “mistakes” to be justifiable.

“Have a goodnight.” (at 8pm or earlier)

You’ve been dismissed. Relieved of your conversational duties for the evening. The sender certainly isn’t going to sleep this early; they’re just shunning you for several hours so you can think about what you’ve done to irritate them. This is the dating equivalent of being put in timeout. TC mark









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Until I fall asleep
quotes on we heart it

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Until I fall asleep
quotes on we heart it

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image - Flickr / Horrace
image – Flickr / Horrace

It’s possible to learn how to be happy with yourself without the diet!

  1. Dieting is a temporary state of deprivation and therefore an ineffective way to lose weight. As soon as you return to your normal eating habits, you will regain the weight.
  2. If dieting was a solution to a problem, most people would only ever have to diet one time in their lives ever. But it’s not.
  3. Dieting makes you grumpy and unpleasant.
  4. Dieting turns people without binge eating issues into people with binge eating issues.
  5. Dieting takes your mind off of more important pursuits of life and turns you into someone hyper-focused and even obsessed with losing weight.
  6. Dieting can cause you to stop doing things you used to find enjoyable, such as spending time with friends or at social events because you dread being around non-diet friendly foods.
  7. Diets teach you to measure your worth in terms of numbers on the scale, calorie counts and grams of carbohydrates instead of nurturing the lovely person that you are.
  8. Diets force you to reject your current life and look toward a different life that you might never have. They cause you to wait to live your life with passion until you are thin. You don’t have to wait—you can choose be happy now.
  9. Diets can drain you financially, especially if you’re constantly spending money on new diet books, or diet foods or special foods or training programs.
  10. Diets can set you up for self-esteem issues. Because they are a set-up for failure for 98% of the people who diet, each time a diet doesn’t work it causes you to evaluate your self worth according to a system that is set up for you to fail.

What should I do instead? Think about making a lifestyle change and just make one small change a week. For instance:

  • Week One:Add a fruit to your breakfast each morning.
  • Week Two: Add a salad or a vegetable to your lunch each day.
  • Week Three: Cut down from 3 sodas per day to 1 sodas per day and substitute with water.
  • Week Four: Take a walk each afternoon after your lunch.

Make it work for you and your schedule. Think about what you could do for the rest of your life and each week add one small thing to make that change sustainable. Love your body, one step at a time! Slow methodical change is the way to make change last a lifetime. Sudden unsustainable change is the way to set yourself up for failure. TC mark

This post originally appeared at YourTango.

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✖️
quotes on we heart it

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Doubt creeps in with the cool of winter.

As you begin spending more time indoors, nestled together like frightened children in a thunderstorm, you feel the distance between you grow. You miss the way they once missed you. The way their eyes would come alive as they dropped their keys on the kitchen bench at the end of a long day. The way they’d turn to you as if only you could quench their thirst.

The familiarity of routine has inevitably rendered your presence ordinary, unremarkable. Much like an old mattress you’d gladly collapse on one night, and throw away the next. While they might still say I love you, you suspect it’s become a reactionary kind of love — an emotional reflex. A knee-jerk response of the heart.

It’s been so long, after all.

Your domestic settling has coincided with a rare time of traction in your respective careers. Where once your relationship had been the morale buffer against disappointment and creative setbacks, it’s now become the less stimulating of the two channels. How easily the intoxicating rush of ambition overrules the gentle sentiment of home. It shouldn’t, but it does.

Lying awake at night, your mind ebbs slowly towards the horizon. You let it dance drunkenly with a myriad of hypotheticals: the “would have”s and “could have”s and “should have”s and “might have”s. You ask questions. Big questions. Is there a greater, untapped love waiting somewhere in the bends and folds of time? Is this very moment pivotal in a way you can’t possibly conceive? You feel the pressing weight of choice — recognizing, perhaps for the first time, the power you have to change it all.

Mortality didn’t used to be of much concern. You were young — and still are —but each day, you notice changes. Small changes in your body and mind and the way you view the world. Cynicism trickles in slowly, the looming shadow cast by another setting sun. Another morning alarm. Another coffee to go.

It’s nearly Christmas again. Gift-wrapping and torn-apart boxes and messily chopped meat. Lipstick stains on wineglasses. Dishwashing powder, scattered across the glistening bench-top like cocaine over a mirror.

The idea of leaving terrifies you almost as much as staying. You don’t want it to end. You’re still in love. You’re still happy. But despite your best efforts, you can’t silence those damning voices, piercing through every moment of silence. They push you into a shallow discomfort, prod you into a state of wanting. As you grow older, you crave new beginnings. Fresh starts. Blank canvases. Unspoiled pages to unopened notebooks.

Monogamy, you feel, threatens discovery. And you need to explore.

Perhaps, you think, love isn’t the answer after all. Love always lay so surely in the safety of tomorrow. But now it’s here, in today, and you fear its finality transcends its beauty. You’ve always preferred reaching in hope, to sitting in contentment. Just like your mother, it’s in your blood.

Morning comes again, as you thought it might. They awake and kiss the nape of your neck in the same way they do each morning, and you smile. You love each other, yes, but it’s dying. It’s dying quietly, drowning in a festering discontent. Chipping away, moving forth; realizing your inherent desire to be alone. Your need to have nothing.

Your stomach sinks. This, you realize, is how your relationship will end. TC mark

featured image – Thomas Hawk









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image - Flickr / haylee -
image – Flickr / haylee -

Most of us women are familiar with the old saying “pain is beauty“, but that doesn’t even account for the time, money and (typically as a result of trying — and not succeeding at various products and procedures) frustration that are typically par for the cosmetic enhancement course.

As lovely as it is being a woman, let’s face it, we really did not wake up like this … we just didn’t! (But thank you dearly Beyonce for the ego boost. Love you).

We’re all guilty of going to extreme (possibly embarrassing) measures to build up our inner goddess. From life-altering acne treatments to Botox (which some men absolutely hate), we asked 11 real women to dish on the lengths they’ve gone to for self-improvement— and wow, are they intense. One woman used an actual iron to straighten her curly hair! Ouch.

After this we’re almost convinced, we’ve officially heard it all. But we could be wrong, so ladies, leave a comment below and let us know the most outlandish, maybe even agonizing, thing you’ve tolerated —or tolerate—to enhance your beautiful self. No judgement. If it’s crazy enough we may just add it to our list.

  1. I got Accutane. “After a decade of awful skin, I decided to go on Accutane, which meant giving up drinking for seven months and going on birth control, not to mention having to deal with insanely chapped lips. I couldn’t even smile without first applying a coat of Aquaphor!” – Lindsay, 26
  2. I used a blow dryer with at-home waxing. “When I was a teen, my best friend and I experimented with at-home waxing for the first time. When we went to remove the wax, it had cooled too much to stick to the strips. We then used a blowdryer to heat the wax back up (on contact). It was the most painful bonding experience I’ve ever endured, and even left bruises behind. Our (secret) nickname for each other has been ‘Purple’ ever since.” – Nikki, 29
  3. I used breast-pumping lotion. “I bought breast-plumping lotion from Victoria’s Secret and massaged it into my breasts daily. I actually thought I saw a little bit of a difference, but it could have also been a mental thing.” – Jamie, 27
  4. I got a Brazilian… laser style. “I got a full (as in back-door-friendly) Brazilian laser so that I’d never have to shave again. Watch out — a laser shock where the sun don’t shine proved one of the most painful moments of my life!” – Michelle, 29
  5. I used an actual iron on my hair. “When I was younger (in my teenage years), I hated my super curly hair as most girls with curly hair do. So I thought of what in my mind was a brilliant, easy idea for getting straight hair… to iron it with an iron used for clothes! Well, not such a great idea as it turned out as I not only burnt my hair and neck, but also melted the carpet in my hallway!” – Mayra, 31
  6. I shaved my eyebrows. “When I was about 14, I used to shave my eyebrows to prevent a unibrow, which I had to be pretty careful with or I’d shave too much and end up patchy. A few years later, I got the strength to wax.” – Lindsay, 29
  7. I fasle-lashed in high school. “In high school, I spent a brief period of time obsessed with individual false lashes. I would spend about half an hour every two weeks having them put on for a more ‘natural look’.” – Nhya, 25
  8. My hair-removal of choice is needles and electricity. “For as long as I can remember, I’ve been extra self conscious of my excessive hairiness. Thanks to a genius who somehow thought to combine needles and electricity, I no longer have to be. Every few weeks, I sit in a chair holding an ‘Indifferent Electrode’ (a conductor that makes my body an electric cell) as the seemingly sweet woman sitting in the chair next to me sticks a needle into the hair follicles (above my lip, on my chin, boob, belly, finger, toe or any other place where hair grows). She activates the electric current and it surges through my body, sometimes causing tears to flow from my eyes. There’s a buzz and, just like that, another hair is gone. If you ask me, it’s a small price to pay for confidence!” – Veronica, 30
  9. I got chemical straightening. “When I was 16, I endured chemical straightening so i wouldn’t have to straighten my hair every day. It put me out somewhere between three and four hundred bucks, and became a real annoyance because as my hair grew out, so did my curls (which meant having to manually iron it regularly anyway).” – Bianca, 24
  10. I get botox. “I had no idea what to expect from Botox when I first tried it in my mid-20s, but since I’m so expressive when I speak, my face was showing lines early. Now I completely love getting it and think it has taken years off my face. I only go twice a year and am thrilled with the results.” – Kristen, 33
  11. DIY Nair Brazilians. “In college, I couldn’t afford the maintenance of a Brazilian wax, so I began giving myself Nair Brazilians… you learn how to minimize the burning, eventually.” – Kiarra, 21 TC mark

This post originally appeared at YourTango.

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