1. You like to sing to yourself a lot. Like, a lot.
2. Your stripper name may or may not be Tiger Boobs.
3. While PMSing you feel that inexplicable mix of wanting to murder someone while also wanting soft pretzels.
4. You use strange accents and voices during sex and you don’t think it’s weird at all.
5. You believe you’re always the one who loves more in relationships.
6. You’ve been known to belt out in song while trying to awkwardly do a strip tease.
7. Pretty much everything you do is awkward or weird but it’s okay because everyone knows that’s just your thing. Except the people who don’t know you, in which case you profusely embarrass yourself on the regular.
8. Dirty Dancing is your go to movie to binge watch after a breakup.
9. You’ve made up your own theme song and sing it regularly.
10. You think the best thing about being unemployed or not having a steady commitment to be somewhere is the fact your boobs don’t have to be put in boob jail.
11. You’ve been known to fall over just standing there.
12. You’re in love with your roommate or a good friend but are in denial over it because you don’t want to mess up your friendship.
13. You believe you’ll probably die alone and talk about it all the time.
14. When you’re upset about something your favorite thing to do is drink blush wine and listen to Taylor Swift alone.
15. You always seem to be into dudes that are afraid of success and who have a bit of a bubble belly going on.
16. You don’t care if someone throws shade your way because you like who you are and you’re not going to change.
17. You believe you can be a strong feminist without having to sacrifice your love of all things girly like hats made of ribbons or checks with baby farm animals on them.
The are parts of life that suck and not a single one of us—successful, unsuccessful, rich, poor, gorgeous, or grotesque—can avoid. You might call these the trivial but universally loathed aspects of the human condition.
1. When your headphones get tangled worse than a Garter snake breeding ball. You could’ve listened to like 15 songs in the time it took to get them straightened out!
2. The avalanche of ice that slams into your face when you try to sip the last few drops of your drink.
3. Tripping a bit and then walking it off like nothing happened, even though your panicking inside and hoping that nobody saw it. They saw it but are just being polite.
4. Waving back at somebody who wasn’t waving at you.
5. Responding when someone calls your name but was referring to a different person with your name, not you.
6. Preemptively walking up to the counter thinking your food is ready but it’s someone else’s.
7. Embarrassing medical examinations. I mean you could escape these but it might not be the best thing for your long-term health.
8. Embarrassing medical problems. We’re all human and the body does weird shit sometimes.
9. A typo in an important document. It will happen once in your life. Doesn’t matter if you proofread all your documents 20,000 times, it’ll happen at least one time.
10. Flatulence in a public place. The gas is escaping whether you want it to or not.
11. Inappropriate laughter. My sister always used to laugh whenever waiters would read the specials for some reason. Hopefully, you’ll only have one instance of inappropriate laughter and it won’t be during something worse than a semi-casual dinner.
12. The coughing fit that ensues when something you drink goes down the wrong pipe and everyone yelling “ARE YOU OK? ARE YOU CHOKING?”
13. People asking you “Is something wrong? Are you alright…emotionally?” when teary-eyed due to allergies
14. Not being sure how to react when a young kid says/does something insulting to you. We’re talking about a kid that’s too young to get social norms and etiquette but the little brat dissed you! Their too young to insult back though. You just have to take it and deal with the combination of red-hot rage and awkwardness.
15. Receiving the wrong order at a fast food place. Deciding who at the table has to eat less because of the screw-up is always the toughest part.
16. Seeing a hair in your food. Gross. I learned what “pube” meant when my sister found one in her McDonald’s french fries. I was in first grade.
17. YouTube ads.
18. The awkward impasse when you’re at an intersection and you give the other driver the wave but they insist on letting you go, so you go. But then they go too. Then you both stop. Then you give him the wave, and it starts all over again.
19. Losing your keys.
20. Losing your wallet.
21. Losing your phone.
22. Spilling a drink on something important.
23. Unpleasant gatherings with (estranged) family members.
24. Pushy salespeople.
25. Trips to the DMV.
26. Speeding tickets.
27. Running into your ex.
28. Running into your ex’s significant other.