It’s spring! Hooray! As soon as it gets just the teensiest bit warmer, I am all up in the beauty blogs looking for new products to buy to celebrate the season. Spring is the perfect time for makeup launches in bright colors and floral scents that would be odd in fall but perfect for April and May. These are the products I’m most excited about adding to my (massive) Sephora cart.
Buxom Full-On Lip Polish
As a bonafide lipstick girl, gloss is not my number one favorite product in the world. However, I really like the plumping glosses from Buxom, especially in the warmer months when matte lipstick (my preferred medium) can feel a little heavy. Buxom glosses are not sticky nor too shiny, which is what I hate about gloss in a nutshell. I’ll probably pick up the peachy-pink Lily shade, or perhaps glossy red Natalie.
Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure polish in Blue Crush
Have you ever seen a blue more vibrant than Blue Crush? A few years ago, I was obsessed with finding a Yves Klein blue nail polish and couldn’t find one anywhere; luckily, there are tons from drugstore to department store now, and Blue Crush is one of the best. I’m obsessed. (The other colors are pretty too!)
Dior Addict Fluid Stick
Is it a lipstick? Is it a gloss? Is it a liquid lipstick? Well, these futuristic new lip colors are a blend of all three. I actually shrieked when I saw this ad in a magazine. They’re supposed to feel incredibly lightweight and go on shiny like a gloss but pigmented like a lipstick. At , they’re not cheap, so I’m going to my local Sephora ASAP to test out their red shade, Pandore.
Deborah Lippmann’s spring & summer nail polishes
Now that I have beautiful almond-shaped acrylic tips on my nails, I’m actually excited about nail polish again. The spring pastel collection, Reveries, is perfection; I really like the buttercup yellow shade Build Me Up Buttercup and the divine Blue Orchid, which is the pale blue shade I’ve been searching my whole life for. Her summer collection is based on the ’80s, with an electric orange shade perfect for sandal weather and a pretty teal green.
Marc Jacobs Daisy & its flankers
I am kind of uppity about my perfumes, but to be entirely honest I think Marc Jacobs Daisy is really great. It smells just a bit like shampoo, but not in a cloying way. It’s young, innocent and appropriate, never too subtle nor too loud. I like the original the best, but they keep releasing flankers that aren’t half bad either.
Maybelline Color Whisper lip color
These aren’t a new product, but I really love their sheer wash of color and balm-like feel during spring and summer. Coral Ambition is my favorite shade when I have a little color on my face, which I may or may not be amplifying by laying in a tanning bed every couple days. (I know, I know!)
MAC’s Proenza Schouler collection
Ultra-cool designers Proenza Schouler partnered with MAC for a mini spring collection of lipsticks, nail polishes and super-pretty blush. Primrose is the lip color I’m lusting for; it looks vampy in the tube but goes on like a sheer berry. The packaging is too cool for school as well, a surfer-esque pattern of teal, yellow and plum. Get them ASAP, because this one won’t last too long before it sells out!
Progressively, at the end of post-postmodernism, it would be tragic for the actor not to address the irony in his or her portrayal of a character. There are reasons actors are cast as characters and so the actor is just as inherent in the character as the character is in the actor. We all know this, then why do we still take characters so seriously? (Or do we? / Who’s “we?”) For example, I was never watching Kevin Spacey as a politician; I was watching Kevin Spacey pretending to be what he thinks this character, which is just a projection of the screenwriter, ought to be. The easy access to reality doubles in everyday life, via sous and surveillance, make this ambiguity possible.
The prevalence of reality television: this was a big thing that scholars talked about when I was a baby. So then what is the value in its opposite, non-reality television, today, two decades later? Is there value?
People enjoy watching fictional stories still, under very fantastical or obviously non-fictional clauses… People still go to movie theatres and spend hours of their lifetime watching Netflix or HBO. I prefer short videos because then I don’t have to dedicate as much time watching something for a nice little start-middle-end package…
The amount of money and talent that goes into the production of music videos today is fascinating. Meanwhile, Hollywood is dying, filmmakers are constantly moaning about production costs, Bret Easton Ellis repeats “post-empire” a lot, and I’ve yet to see the genre that I, personally, would like to see emerge. Maybe Lana del Rey comes close to it with her ridiculous (but much-appreciated) short film. Beyonce with her “Visual Album.” I don’t watch short films, at all, really. Maybe the only problem is that short films are not popularized and therefore I cannot engage with their autobiography…
20 minutes with a story arc, that would be nice. 40 minutes, even. I thought “Her” should have been 40 minutes. Available for free. Interesting to watch. Western dramatic arcs are usually 90 to 120 minutes, so I wonder if or how this would change the structure in a shorter narrative. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate anything over 40 minutes; I just don’t want to devote that much of my life to something so immobile. Rarely do I get excited about a director enough to go, “Sure, I’ll spend 3 hours with this guy, no problem.”
In 1666, people generally felt cheated if their theatre didn’t last minimum 5 hours. I would like to go back in time to see this. It would be like going to Cirque du Soliel mixed with Titanic mixed with a drag queen contest. Sometimes there would be trained swans on stage, performing tricks. Most importantly, I think, you would have the entertainment of being inside of the audience… You’d get free snacks, like organic locally grown fruits and nuts. People would be heckling and throwing tomatoes and being insane. On a good night, maybe church groups would be protesting outside.
No one wants to go home after getting drunk, watching swans and transvestites and beautiful musicians perform; I’m sure they partied v v hard afterwards.
After a good show, any good live show, an audience member should feel so elated and fresh that all they want to do is fuck. Inspired to be with humans. It is a human endeavor, after all. Social, cultural, communicative. What is the point, then, of going to see a show, without this element?
Today we know that the future is not bright. We know that humans are fucking up in so many ways, it’s almost too hard to process. We know shit’s gone beyond repair so what are we going to do about it, as a species? Jerk off and watch other people jerk off? Homework? Meditate? Jog? Jiu-jitsu? Get high? Get low? Get fucked? And fucked? And fucked?
I feel like we’re turning inside out, as a species. Hollywood is crumbling because the audience has access to smaller, more democratic networks. Just like buying locally grown produce sustains the environment and economy, entertaining locally would be sustainable too. Small film festival companies complain about this all the time. It’s not enough to say, “Wahhh, entertain locally,” though.
In order to entertain locally, I think, you actually have to entertain people. The people who want to be entertained. Locally.
Alongside technological progression, I feel we demand starker autobiographical elements in our media consumption and this extends into every sphere of social abstraction. As the voyeur becomes participatory in the experience of the subject matter, we see success. I used to enjoy seeing 24-hour theatre shows, wherein 20-minute plays were written, produced and performed all within 24 hours. Every performance was experimental, revealing the human’s capacity to work, interpret, memorize, etc. I like things with parameters because it makes whatever product satisfies within reference, no matter what.
I think it is only natural that new art forms emerge with shifts in cultural projectionism. Incorporating Oculus Rift into theatre would be magical. I don’t know.
People have been talking about Avril Lavigne’s new music video “Hello Kitty.” They’re saying it’s racist…it’s guilty of cultural appropriation…it’s shitty. I’m not a huge Avril Lavigne fan, but I’ve never seen her say anything that indicated she was a racist. Other than agreeing to suck Nickelcock for the rest of her life, she seems like a decent human being with the fashion sense of your little sister who just discovered punk music.
Because “Someone got mad on Twitter” is now considered news, even The New York Times is reporting on the response to the video. I didn’t read it, but I think it probably says that a 22-year-old male feminist squirted sriracha on his ramen, queefed in his college dorm room, and typed “#racist” on his iPhone. However, when I saw that the empowered chubbies at Jezebel were popping their ass-pimples over this, that changed everything. They called the video “offensive on absolutely every level.” Now I absolutely needed to see it on every level. Those gals really know what they’re talking about!
So today, on my day off from work, I took a break from killing hookers in GTA5 to watch Avril Lavigne’s new video—a music video that is apparently worse than Hitler raping and eating a litter of Hebrew kittens. Here are 10 thoughts I had while I jacked off to it.
1. There are no homos in Japan or wherever they made this turd.
What is with the weird poor man’s Macarena dance going on in this video? I can understand not being able to find a professional choreographer if you’re on location in Japan, Canada, or wherever the fuck they filmed this piece of shit, but come on. Even a normal, non-dancer gay would come up with something better than this. Even just a guy who trolls for cock in rest-stop bathrooms would at least throw a Kid ‘n Play in there or something. This is terrible.
2. This music sucks Chad Kroeger’s balls.
What the fuck is this shit? Did they want it to sound like workout music? The guitars sound like the default guitar in GarageBand with a shitty overdrive effect thrown on top of it. The vocal track is 16 Avril voices laid on top of each other, then auto-tuned. The part at the end sounds like Skrillex took a break from giving Avril Lavigne his haircut to drop a second-rate beat for her. What the shit is this?
3. Oh God, she put on glasses!
Shit, gonna have to pace myself here. Oh fuck it, too late. I’ll be right back; I need something to clean up all these bubble tea globules.
4. Is that a cupcake dress?
Great, now I’m hungry, too. Have you ever had the red velvet mini cupcakes from Baked by Melissa? I could just sit there and eat them for hours.
5. I figured out what’s racist about the video.
No one came out and said it, but I’ve figured it out. Since it’s not possible that simply being in love with someone else’s culture could possibly be considered racist, here’s what is racist. The part of the video where Avril shows the Japanese chicks her Polaroid—I heard that in the director’s cut they show the photo and it’s the mushroom clouds over Nagasaki and Hiroshima. OMG, Avril! What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought Canada was the epicenter of all things civilized and tolerant! This is not OK, okay? Period. End of discussion.
6. There’s something seriously wrong with me.
Isn’t the thought of a racist Avril Lavigne hot? I kind of want Avril Levigne to tie me up and say racist shit to me while she shoves dumplings up my ass. On second thought, not the dumplings. We can eat those later after I’ve been sufficiently shamed and drained.
7. The chorus of this song is an ancient Shinto aphrodisiac.
“Come, come, kitty, kitty. You’re so pretty, pretty. Come, come, kitty, kitty…” Your clitoris should be the size of a spicy tuna roll before the chef divides it up.
8. This video needs more tentacles.
If you’re going to bounce around to shitty dubstep in a cupcake dress, at times kicking your leg in the air and revealing delectable pale thigh, at least have the common decency to make it tentacle porn. Just so you know, Mrs. Nickelback, tentacles are a big thing in Japan and have been for a long time. Have some respect for the culture you’re gouging for monetary gain. Make it hentai.
9. We’ve forgotten what anti-Asian racism looks like in America.
Let me remind you. It looks like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
10. Was this whole thing an advertisement for Hello Kitty?
Did Sanrio bankroll this shit? If so, then shame on them for not including more tentacles. On second thought, scratch this one. It’s much more likely that the record company intentionally created some social-justice bait by making a Japanese-themed video. Either way, we’re all tools for biting the hook.
Thankfully, Avril isn’t letting any of this manufactured controversy get to her. When asked about it by reporters she said, “I’m totally not racist. Also, I’ll totally give head to the next chubby Puerto Rican Thought Catalog writer who writes about me!” and then she giggled and licked a giant phallic lollipop. I’m paraphrasing.
All right, I need to go get a sock to clean all these poutine curds off my chest.
I spent two weeks working at the Mall of America, a tourist attraction populated almost entirely by teenage girls. I work at a store that attracts such specimen, which means I had plentiful time to study the teens of 2014 and compare them to the teen girl I was in the mid-2000s. I feel old. Teenage girls have so much more access to everything than I did at their age. We had the internet, but it was dial-up. We had cell phones later on in the decade, but we couldn’t text message until like 2006.
Observe my research below.
Then: Abercrombie & Fitch flare sweatpants, rolled two or three times for maximum midriff
Now: Lululemon everything
Then: Adidas shell-toe sneakers, kitten heel flip-flops, knee-high boots with pointy toes, Uggs
Now: Fake combat boots, Crocs with socks, Top-Siders. No teenage girl I polled can quite answer WHY the Crocs are so popular. Still wearing Uggs!
Then: Light wash, flared, low-rise. The lower, the better. Often from American Eagle.
Now: Black, high-rise, skinny. Often paired with crop tops.
Then: Lancome Juicy Tubes in every shade. Sephora has yet to hit every mall.
Now: Teenage girls wear red lipstick, purple lipstick, hot pink and orange. If I would’ve done this in 2002, the older girls would have had a field day.
Then: Abercrombie. Duh. Online shopping was something you COULD do, but nobody did because everyone paid cash for everything; none of my friends had debit or credit cards until college.
Now: Urban Outfitters, Nasty Gal, H&M. Anywhere, as long as you have a credit card. Abercrombie is NOT cool.
Then: Gwen Stefani, J. Lo, Paris Hilton, Mischa Barton, Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Bilson, Lauren Conrad
Now: Jenner sisters, Lorde, Taylor Swift
Then: Gossip Girl series, as yet to hit TV
Now: Dystopian YA fiction, “The Fault in Our Stars”
Then: Pin straight. Thick, chunky highlights in corn yellow. Yellow-blonde hair in general. The flip. Prom-appropriate cornrow braids.
Now: Suuuuuuuuuper long. Seriously, these girls have hair down to the top of their jeans. Pretty braids.
Then: AIM. MSN Messenger. Email. DIalup internet. I got my first cell phone in 2006. Livejournal. Myspace in like 2005.
Now: Snapchat. There are probably a million apps and websites I don’t even know about, because I’m old. Apparently teenagers don’t use Facebook? News to me.
Then: Digital cameras with giant floppy disks in the early 2000s. Disposable cameras – always make sure to order doubles to share with your friends!
Now: Literally everything is a camera. Your phone, your computer, your iPad…
What did I miss?
10. By virtue of putting a number in the headline, I made you click on this list. It was that simple because you thought this would be quick and easy to read, and you were right.
9. Lists are incredibly viral and have saturated every nook and cranny, cobwebbed corner, and node of the interwebs, bringing even the most esteemed publishers to their pandering knees.
8. The more you click on them, the faster they multiply. (Viral? More like vi-RUS!) Publishers and content creators produce more and more of them in an unvirtuous cycle of mostly vapid content because they’re so digestible and sharable, which in turn results in higher pageviews, ad impressions, and revenue.
7. They’re usually advertised as “definitive” or “ultimate.” Hello—this is obviously someone’s opinion and they’re just trying to get a rise out of you so that you a) respond and b) share your inevitable outrage or sympathy.
6. And they work. All too well.
5. Moreover, they encourage quick-scroll skimming rather than structured thought and complete sentences. In a way, they make tl;dr socially acceptable while systematically undermining our attention spans and ability to focus.
4. I often find myself clicking on lists against my will, when I know perfectly well that I should be reading more editorially complex pieces to maintain a healthy, well-balanced reading diet and lifestyle.
3. When illustrated with GIFs, these lists tend to make me literally laugh out loud at inappropriate times.
2. They gave rise to the portmanteau “listicle,” which not only sounds disgusting but also undermines the credibility of journalism.
1. I also love them. (Not really, sort of, it’s complicated, but I wanted to pay homage to the ’90s teen classic, 10 Things I Hate About You.)
1. People who piss on the seat.
2. People who don’t flush their turds (especially in public bathrooms—EW).
3. People who say “You’re just not the right fit” when denying you without giving you any specific information, even when asked.
4. People who don’t even give you that much courtesy when rejecting you. They just don’t answer you at all. They justify this by being “too busy” to take 10 seconds out.
5. People who share their quiz results on Facebook. You got St. Swithun’s Day on Which Christian Feast Day Are You? NOBODY. FUCKING. CARES.
6. Companies that data mine you with said quizzes.
7. This guy.
8. The 1%.
9. People who send anon hate on Tumblr.
10. People who post twee pregnancy announcements on Facebook. These aren’t cure. They’re obnoxious.
11. Griefers and gankers in online games.
12. People who post about how amazing their job or love life is on social media.
13. People who go on the express line not with just a couple items over the limit—but a few dozen.
14. Parents who can’t make their screaming banshee children behave in public. Oh it’s OK, I wanted to be serenaded by a drooling toddler with a voice like an emphysemic cat while I’m out to lunch. It’s all good!
15. Parents who name their kids Khaleesi, Katniss, or any other painfully trendy name.
16. Internet commenters—the bad kind.
18. Climate change deniers.
19. Evolution deniers.
20. Anti-vaccine people.
21. The commenter who’s inevitably going to write “People who write lists like this” or some other lame joke.
22. People who post spoilers.