The To-Do List
The To-Do List

1. They ask if it’s cool that they Snapchat their ex halfway through.

2. They ask you to call them “Daddy” and then they start calling you “Mommy” and asking why you never loved them like you loved their brother, Brian.

3. When you’re starting to take off each other’s clothes, and they insist everything needs to be folded or hung up.

4. They refuse to break eye contact. Ever. They’re not even blinking.

5. You’re about to orgasm, and then they spoil Game of Thrones.

6. When you’re role-playing, and they insist on being Bill from Freaks and Geeks.

7. The Spotify playlist you’re listening to starts playing Nelly Furtado’s “I’m Like A Bird,” and you flashback to your cousin’s bar mitzvah when your bubbe started hitting on the caterer.

8. They want to try something they read about in Fifty Shades of Grey, because their mom recommended it.

9. They start whisper-singing “A Whole New World” from Aladdin in your ear, and when you ask them to stop, they transition to “Friend Like Me.”

10. They ask if their life-size Stormtrooper can watch.

11. They start sobbing uncontrollably and lamenting why Jordan had to leave them.

12. They constantly ask if you’re liking it, and then ask about your opinion on Indiana’s religious freedom law.

13. With each thrust, they call out a Harry Potter spell. Expecto patronum! Wingardium leviosa!

14. They ask you to remind them that they need to pick up a prescription for an infection after you leave.

15. They start calling out the wrong name, and when you correct them, they apologize and explain, “That’s their cousin’s name.”

16. They start to recite R. Kelly’s “Trapped In The Closet.”

17. They need to change positions, because their goldfish doesn’t have a good view otherwise.

18. They wanna do some dirty talk and start listing off all of their favorite foods.

19. You starting nibbling on their ear, and they warn you to be careful because they’re not totally sure when they cleaned there last.

20. They grasp the nape of your neck, and you’re like, oh yeahhhh, and then they marvel at how “thin and fragile” your neck is, and they could probably “snap it like a twig.”

21. Their name is Howard Stern. TC mark









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Photo provided by Molly McAleer
Photo provided by Molly McAleer

1. HAVING A WASHER/DRYER AND/OR A DISHWASHER

Similar to New York, it’s highly unlikely that you’ll wind up in an apartment with a dishwasher and almost definitely not an in-unit washer or dryer. Yeah, you can find them in some of those newer buildings on Wilshire or below Olympic, but those places are for unsociable weirdos. If you want to live in WeHo, Silver Lake, Echo Park or anywhere with a pulse, you’re going to have to buy yourself a drying rack and pick up a roll of quarters at the grocery store.

2. MURDERING THEIR BOSS

Everyone everywhere wants to murder their boss, but the odds that the head honcho at your place of business is a narcissistic monster with sociopathic traits is multiplied infinitely when you live in LA. This will, in turn, most likely turn YOU into a narcissistic monster with sociopathic traits by the time you finally work your way up the ladder. Significantly fewer people in this city aren’t dying for the day they can finally be an asshole to people and get paid for it.

3. BANALITY

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just shelf your dreams of making it in the ‘biz and move some place like Houston and work as a receptionist? Or like, what if you never left your hometown to begin with and you had a decent job in marketing and married someone who grew up like you did? Of course, you can’t fantasize about this stuff for long — you’d never actually want to do it, but once in awhile, it’s kind of nice to wonder “what if…”

4. FINDING A LIVABLE APARTMENT IN ATWATER VILLAGE

Trust me, I tried. For months. And I was willing to throw down serious coin on rent at the time. The closest I got was a one bedroom for 00 that had green shag carpeting on the floor and smelled like cat pee. All the good places in Atwater are taken right now, just move to Glendale or Eagle Rock or kill yourself.

5. THE ABILITY TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT USING A VEHICLE

Complaining about how you HAVE to drive everywhere in LA is trite, but let’s be real for a sec: Wouldn’t it be so nice if you could put your sneaks on after work and take a stroll down to the grocery store without having to lug your bags a mile-and-a-half home, probably uphill? Walk scores, guys. They’re real and you should look them up before you pick your next place to live in LA.

6. NOT KNOWING HOW PATHETIC THE PLACES THE CAST OF ‘VANDERPUMP RULES’ DINES AT ARE

Seriously, could these people be stuck going to restaurants, bars and salons that are any more random or unremarkable? I would love to be able to watch the show without knowing that the place Katie and Stassi are getting salads isn’t a failing hole-in-the-wall out in the deep valley.

7. FINDING SOMEONE TO DATE WHO’S NOT AN EMOTIONAL TEENAGER

Okay, not everyone in LA suffers from the stereotypical woman/manchild syndrome that people tend to spend so much time talking about here, but a shitload of them do, which is why so many people spend time talking about it here. Even if someone in LA wants to grow up, they’re usually surrounded by friends who don’t or have no idea what “adult” really is, so they move to Venice, spend Sundays at flea markets and take obsessively good care of their vehicle. And that’s just annoying.

Photo provided by Molly McAleer
Photo provided by Molly McAleer

8. A NIGHT OUT THAT COSTS LESS THAN

Of course you can leave your house for less than , but only if you want to stay sober so you can drive, find cheap or free parking, and don’t anticipate wanting a midnight snack. If you want to have a fun night out, you’ve got to factor in the Uber, the cost of drinks and late night munchies. The Uber alone (even UberX) will usually run you at least total, drinks are – a piece and I assume you’re not a three beer queer so like, you better bring out the QuickBooks if you want to party.

9. HAVING ACTUAL FRIENDS

Yeah, you can make friends in LA, but it takes at least two years of cycling through awful people to find at least one or two homies that you actually consider to be reasonable human beings that you can trust.

10. GETTING ANYWHERE IN UNDER 20 MINUTES

Like Cher’s dad in Clueless said, “Everywhere in LA takes 20 minutes,” but that’s only if there’s no traffic and you’re traveling less than 10 miles, so actually, fuck you, Cher’s dad. I’ve had two and a half hour commutes for jobs 15 miles away from my house before. There are always freeway closures, accidents, and public transportation is… a disaster. If you’re taking the bus, give yourself 20 hours.

Photo provided by Molly McAleer
Photo provided by Molly McAleer

11. NOT FEELING OBESE EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE LIKE, A SIZE ZERO

No matter how skinny you get, there will always be someone skinnier than you at any pool party you go to. I felt like a fat ass when I was full-blown starving myself and weighed 93 lbs. Why? BECAUSE I HAVE EYES.

12. BEING ABLE TO AFFORD SOMETHING ON RODEO DRIVE

Just… no. People who live here don’t even go to Rodeo Drive. That entire street is for Asian tourists and film and television.

13. KNOWING AND ENJOYING YOUR NEIGHBORS

I have lived in my current building for over six months. I do not know any of my neighbors’ names, I rarely see them and when I do, we don’t talk. I did have a neighbor whose name I knew, but that was because I had to call the cops on him like, three times for hitting his girlfriend. A lot of my other neighbors seemed lovely, but there was a major language barrier and I don’t think we ever got past a smile and the occasional “Hola.” If you grew up running around your neighborhood and playing with the kids who lived on your street, you probably really miss that feeling in LA.

14. NOT GETTING HPV LIKE, SIX TIMES BEFORE THE AGE OF 30

By some miracle, I have never gotten HPV, but practically every other person I know has and they’ve had multiple strains. I knew a girl who got four different strains in one year! That’s one strain per quarter! Granted she was doing lawyers and agents rawdog after staying up with them all night doing blow, but like, that’s a lot of HPV, guys.

15. HIKING RUNYON CANYON WITHOUT HEARING ABOUT SOMEBODY’S PITCH MEETING/AUDITION

Runyon Canyon is actually an excellent workout if you take the harder route, but as my friend Jordan once put it people there walk “in casts of CW shows.” Everyone there is talking about some commercial they didn’t book or how their script is coming along. You can put on headphones, but that won’t block out all the aspiring somebodies taking selfies at the top of the hill.

16. NOT HAVING TO ASK “IS ANYBODY VEGAN?” IN AN EMAIL RE: DINNER PLANS

It’d be so nice to send an email to a group of friends or colleagues about dinner without just saying, “We’re going to ______, they have vegetarian options if anybody doesn’t eat meat.”

Whether or not someone’s going die from consuming gluten or feel like a murderer for eating a dish made with milk is kind of a pain in the ass when you have to deal with it All. The. Time. And it really sucks when a vegan restaurant is just picked for you and you’re stuck eating “nachos” with cashew cheese because the question, “does anybody really dislike eating vegan?” is NEVER asked.

17. BEING ABLE TO RIDE A BICYCLE WITHOUT BEING MURDERED

I know like, two people who frequently ride their bikes in LA and haven’t been in some sort of serious accident. Most parts of the city don’t have bike lanes, you can’t ride on sidewalks—a perfectly normal and fun way to exercise and travel is basically off the board because at any minute you could get sideswiped by an actress trying to memorize her sides on the way to an audition for The Fosters. TC mark









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Untitled
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1. Brunch bitch

You know the type: orders the eggs benny with alllllll the damn trimmings — hash browns. Coffees on coffees. Soft drinks. Juices. They binge on mimosas like their wallet is bottomless until the check comes, at which time they look around like, “fun brunch guys, split it even?” Nah. Pony up. Bring home the bacon or don’t order the bacon at all, damn.

2. ‘Can you get this round?’ bitch

They order drinks for the both of you and ask you to get the round, conspicuously disappearing into the bar-flirting kerfuffle when it comes time for the second round to be gotten. Have you been had? Yes. Next time, this bitch needs to have the money before the shots are ordered. Because you call the shots. I’m so sorry. This is going to continue to be corny, so.

3. The bank bitch

Ever roll up to your buff bank teller dude with a < 0 paycheck like you’re ballin? No? I’d recommend it. Feels great. Ask for it all in ’s and then shower your bed with it and then return an hour later like, “hey, I have all these ones. Thank you so much. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

4. The dining hall guest swipe bitch

Your friend who’s maxed out their meal plan and is living off guest swipes — that bitch better have your money, or a sunny disposition and delightful personality that makes dining with them a worthwhile experience.

5. The gas money troll of days old bitch

The one who drove you around in high school — before you were able — to places they would’ve been going anyway and charged like, every time. This was the original Uber, and they were caking off your lack of license. Collect on those dollars. Well, don’t. That’d be insufferable. But think on how shitty that was. Damn.

6. Uber bitches

Here’s a good place to direct that misplaced high school ride deficit rage. The supremely evil board that runs Uber, those supreme Atlas Shrugged bitches, owes every driver a ton of money. Let’s be real. Rides in Los Angeles are so cheap that you could drive around the city like three times and stop for every person who’s their zen-ass way to yoga and it would STILL be less than . That’s stupid cheap. All the Uber overlord bitches owe money…not us, though.

7. The bitch who should know you well enough

Because they shouldn’t act like they forgot — Venmo exists. Paypal exists. Mail exists. It’s very much like, “where y’all at?”

Again, so sorry this listicle exists. You know what’s good for making bad things good? Money. So I guess I’m not sorry, because you clicked on this and in some way? I got my money. So go get yours where you can.
BECAUSE BITCHES BETTER HAVE IT.

For more bitches and less money, follow Crissy on Facebook









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Friday Night Lights
Friday Night Lights

1. “How was your day?”

What you tell your mom: “good!”

What you’re really thinking: “I have in my bank account and twenty-seven things to do but it would sound whiny to complain to you at this point — please offer me money. Please just offer.”

2. “How’s work?”

What you tell your mom: “Can’t complain!”

What you’re really thinking: “Do you have 20 minutes for me to complain?”

3. “Are you eating right, sweetheart?”

What you tell your mom: “Oh, you know. Taking my vitamins. Uh —”

What you’re really thinking: “PLEASE MOVE IN WITH ME FOR A COOL DAY AND MAKE ENOUGH FOOD FOR THE MONTH. I HAVEN’T EATEN ANYTHING BUT CARBS FOR SEVEN WEEKS.”

4. “Are you seeing anyone?”

What you tell your mom: “No one serious, ha, Mom come on. Anyway —”

What you’re really thinking: “I’ve downloaded, deleted, and re-downloaded Tinder 12 times. You can’t handle the truth.”

5. “How’s *insert named of estranged friend here*?”

What you tell your mom: “Oh, I don’t know actually! Haven’t heard from them in a while.”

What you’re really thinking: “Fuck if I know. Dead? Lol jk I’d never wish death on someone. Just like, fuck that bit— Mom? I’m sorry for the language, okay? Hello? Mom, — hello?”

For more bitches and less money, follow Crissy on Facebook









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Scott Worgan and his girlfriend Caitlin have 2 adorable daughters together, Scarlett and Sienna. After being with Caitlin for 6 years, Scott decided to make a declaration of his love for Caitlin by finding inspiration from the movie Love, Actually and asked their girls for help. Check out the touching video above to see the proposal. Be prepared for tears. TC mark









Thought Catalog

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Don't wait for sleep to dream.
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Drinking Buddies
Drinking Buddies

1. You have three hairstyles: down, ponytail, and bun.

2. You have one pair of shoes that you wear with 95% of your wardrobe.

3. Most of your outfits are just some combination of t-shirts and jeans.

4. This makes getting ready massively easy. What are you going to wear? Throw on the first pair of jeans and t-shirt you can find. Put on aforementioned shoes. Boom. Done.

5. Sundresses are also great because they look like you put more effort into getting ready, but you definitely didn’t.

6. You have to be very clear with your hairstylist that you need a cut that’s easy to maintain, because you’re not about that life. Your idea of styling your hair is making sure the part is nice, and if you’re feeling fancy, throwing a clip or headband up there.

7. You find make up a little terrifying. You understand the basics, and might even throw some on before leaving the apartment, but you once watched a YouTube clip about contouring and contemplated the existence of witchcraft.

8. Whenever you hear that you have to wear heels to an event, you get considerably less excited.

9. Then you get all dressed up, and get kind of excited! Heels aren’t so bad! Your legs look so much longer! You should wear them more often!

10. And then about half way through the event, you remember why you hate heels, and wish you could just 127 Hours your feet, and hack them off with a dull pocketknife. It would probably hurt less than wearing these shoes for another three hours.

11. You envy that somehow men can get away with wearing Converse with a suit for certain occasions, because that’s the dream, honestly.

12. When your friends want to go out, your favorite thing to wear is a cool jacket over a t-shirt and your nicest-looking jeans.

13. Your friends relish the days when you let them dress you up. It’s like Christmas, but with dresses! And heels! And eyeliner!

14. Every time you dress up, you get a semi-Cinderella moment from your friends. Wow! You look so different! Who knew you had such a defined waist under all those sweatshirts! You should wear that more often!

15. The back of your closet is where all of your “nice clothes” reside. You pull them out for weddings and funerals, and that’s about it.

16. When you first got a job/internship that required you to dress “business professional” you cried a little bit because honestly what could you wear.

17. Then you figured out that you could rock “business professional” by mixing and matching a handful of items, and you’ve already mastered that technique.

18. You own contacts, but will often just wear your glasses, because you don’t feel like exerting the effort.

19. Going to the gym at the end of the day is really just an excuse to wear your comfy gym clothes for hours leading up to it. TC mark









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Give me something that I can feel.
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