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Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Feel free to print this out and bring it along with you, or preload to your iPhone (lol what is paper even?).

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: The Bronze

What I’m trying to say is: I crave a chill place that we can call our own (and if incredible melodrama were to maybe go down there, I would not be opposed). Let’s get out of here.

The Matrix

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: Neo’s in a car with Switch, Trinity, and that dude with the long hair who dies first. Neo gives Switch lip and she is like, hi, there are agents of the fucking techno apocalypse everywhere I have ZERO time for white male privilege right now. If you’re gonna be this way get out of the car. Neo opens the door, and Trinity tells him to wait. It’s raining outside. There’s a lonely looking rain-splattered road outside. “Why?” he asks. “Because,” says Trinity, “you have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends. And I know that’s not where you want to be.”

What I’m trying to say is: I like to try new things. Do you like to try new things?

Naruto

Reference Level: MEDIUM DEEP
Specifically: Kurama the Nine Tails Demon trapped inside a little ninja orphan boy

What I’m trying to say is: It’s hard for me to control my emotion sometimes, but I’m a good person; or, when I’m drunk I like to dance. Do you want to dance?

Grant Morrison’s X-Men

Reference Level: DEEP af, honestly (sorry)
Specifically: Emma Frost stops the cab, returns to Xavier’s Mansion for her designer purse just as genocidal maniac Cassandra Nova is about to murder everyone, and nonchalantly snaps Cassandra Nova’s neck.

What I’m trying to say is: I’m feeling a little overdressed, but listen: I still maintain a vigorously masculine thirst for justice and do not believe these things are mutually exclusive.

Kevin Smith

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: Any casual name drop of the first five titles: Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, or Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

What I’m trying to say is: I’m from New Jersey, and I will never apologize for that.

The Sun Also Rises

Reference Level: MEDIUM DEEP
Specifically: The tortured mirror moment

What I’m trying to say is: I have legitimate intimacy issues but I am aware of them, I am working on them; also, I do sometimes read real things.

Dragon Ball Z

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: Gohan, the last man standing between a genetically-designed super-being and the end of the world, witnesses the murder of his robot friend. Exhausted, broken arm clutched tightly to his chest, he screams and goes ‘Super Saiyan 2,’ which no one even knew was a thing. (respect)

What I’m trying to say is: If you want to get with me, you gotta get with my friends.

Steven Spielberg

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: The moment they first see the brachiosaurus in Jurassic Park; Indiana Jones runs from the giant boulder; literally everything in E.T.; bonus: Elle Fanning’s makeup being done by that little boy in Super 8 which is technically J.J. Abrams but please.

What I’m trying to say is: I eventually want to have kids. Do you eventually want to have kids y/n ?

Pokémon

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: Pikachu defeats Raichu (in the most adorable way)

What I’m trying to say is: Will triumphs over power, always; and, hey, am I being cool and assertive enough or… ?

Star Trek: The Next Generation

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: “We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.”

What I’m trying to say is: Oh, right, politics. Listen, babe, I’m a libertarian. Deal. With. It.

Star Trek: Voyager

Reference Level: MEDIUM DEEP
Specifically: When Seven of Nine says “Voyager is my collective now.”

What I’m trying to say is: But I have a ‘softer side.’

Snowcrash

Reference Level: MEDIUM DEEP
Specifically: The Metaverse

What I’m trying to say is: Yo, the future is gonna be pretty cool but complicated af socio-politically, culturally, spiritually. What is reality, even? What do you think about this? Do you think about this? Or think? I find your high-level attractiveness and generally-affable nature highly suspicious and am frightened you may be ‘the whole package.’

Scream

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: Neve asks Skeet Ulrich for a PG-13 relationship, shows him her boobs, and laughs, because she does not yet know that her high school boyfriend is a psychopathic killer (who also raped her mother p.s.). She is just a sweet, simple girl with a hot boyfriend and a #dark past.

What I’m trying to say is: I’ve been burned before, bad, and I don’t know if I can do all that again. Can we take this slow?

Battlestar Galactica

Reference Level: MEDIUM DEEP
Specifically: Casual Starbuck or Caprica Six name drop

What I’m trying to say is: “Let’s have another shot of whiskey” for Starbuck; “we can make out now if you want” for Caprica Six

BONUS ROUND — IF THE DATE IS GOING POORLY

The Invisibles

Reference Level: DEEP af, honestly (sorry)
Specifically: Lord Fanny, a transgendered Brazilian shaman, real talking some hardcore basic, makes clear the situation: “I’m an international freedom fighter and a photogenic witch, darling. I’m the most glamorous creature you’ll ever meet. And you know what’s so sweet? You don’t even believe a word I’m saying, do you?”

What I’m trying to say is: bye

BONUS ROUND — IF THE DATE IS GOING WELL

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Reference Level: MEDIUM DEEP
Specifically: “AND THEN FIRE, SHOT DOWN FROM THE SKY IN BOLTS, LIKE SHINING BLADES OF A KNIFE, AND IT RIPPED, RIGHT THROUGH THE FLESH, OF THE CHILDREN OF THE SUN AND THE MOON AND THE EARTH, AND SOME INDIAN GOD SEWED THE WOUND UP TO A HOLE, TO REMIND US THE PRICE WE PAYED, AND OSIRIS, AND THE GODS OF THE NILE, GATHERED UP A BIG STORM…” etc.

What I’m trying to say is: Have I told you yet I live alone? TC mark









Thought Catalog

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Travel quote
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Chiara Cremaschi

You want to know something that has controlled me for years?

I associate “letting go” with accepting defeat and admitting unworthiness.

Raising a white flag never feels like a healthy surrender for mental freedom. It seems like conceding that I’m not worthy of the person who left, of the job I didn’t get – or worse – that I am of the slight from a friend or the terrible, false judgement from an acquaintance or yet another petty yet harrowing transgression. I thought that I must agree with something to accept it. I didn’t realize I was twisting mental images of things I couldn’t control, trying to turn them into something I could be okay with, no matter how delusional they were.

In reality, the things we can’t let go of are the things that still have something to teach us.

I tried to numb the things that were lingering to teach me those very things about myself, and I called that healing. I tried to fight them off, and I called that being strong. Not being able to let go was never the problem – it was not understanding holding on was a symptom of a lesson I was refusing to learn.

Real healing is not moving on, it’s learning to be present. It’s realizing you can’t control what lingers, you can only control the environment of your body and mind and spirit, and whether or not they can and will sustain memory or fear or love. You do not create a thought in place of another one, you create a mindset. Healing is learning how to value every experience and know every experience has value. You learn to place what you’ll learn above who you are. You have faith that you’ll become more. You promise you’re going to try.

When you replace your loss with a new lover or job or idea or distraction and it still lingers, there’s more to be revealed. It means you don’t have to try harder or reach further. It means you have to allow what is and look within.

Because there is no such thing as loss. Nothing is ours forever anyway. Even our bodies aren’t ours eventually. You either acknowledge the impermanence of all things, or you let yourself suffer by your own lapse in awareness. Attachment is an idea, and awareness is the antidote.

The things that are physically gone but still alive in your mind usually remain to teach you acceptance and forgiveness and the ability to experience without attaching. To ‘achieve’ without needing to believe something is yours – that is unconditional love. That is the place from which you access the entire spectrum of emotion and sensation and experience.

Healing is changing your mindset, not your circumstances. Healing is realizing the former must always precede the latter. Numbing is deflecting, it’s holding others responsible for your inability to address the issues that are preventing you from moving on. It’s trying to disprove what you already know. Healing is trying to work with what you realize is inevitable.

The things that come, come with reason. The things that go, go with reason. The things that linger, linger with reason. Numbing is trying to control what comes and goes and lingers. Healing is exploring the reasons. Numbing is trying to figure out answers. Healing is being okay in the questions. TC mark









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Make today count
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In many ways, my adult life can be defined by the lengths I’ve gone to avoid the tyranny of a conventional 9-5 job. General wisdom holds that a distinct difference exists between the activities one may love to do, and the tedious, soul-pulverizing activities one must do to earn a living.

While there may be some truth to that, it seems the universe also has a funny way of revealing the most exceptional (and sometimes absurd) vocational opportunities only to those with open minds and the mettle to walk the road less traveled.

Welcome to America’s Most Random Jobs.

As the saying goes, God laughs at those who make plans. That statement could literally not be more apropos than in the case of Aaron Miller.

Due to the of the viral nature of the YouTube clips, you may already be aware that Kanye West’s Yeezus Tour features a theatrical intermission, wherein “White Jesus” emerges from the top of a massive volcano and (amidst roars from the arena) approaches Kanye to dramatically unmask him and dish out praises.

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Thought Catalog: What qualifies you to be “White Jesus”? Is there any training for this sort of a thing?

White Jesus: I’m from Chicago. I’m a musician, used to touring, and my father is the Lutheran Bishop of Chicago (so I actually know quite a bit about Jesus). I look like the lie we were all sold, the blue-eyed white Jesus. So really, silly as the whole thing was, in hindsight, I can see how I was the perfect guy for it. “Ye” actually liked that I am a foot taller than he is. (He liked the idea of Jesus towering over him.) And yes, there was an “acting coach”… which wasn’t all that needed. Not that I’m a good actor, but just due to the job being so simple.

TC: Why did Kanye want a “White Jesus”?

WJ: Well, A: the album is called Yeezus. So there’s that. It came out of a production meeting. If I can say one thing about his crew, they aren’t limited. They do whatever the fuck they want. Someone literally said, “We should have Jesus appear.” Next thing I know I’m getting a call.

TC: Was there a job interview?

WJ: Sort of. A mutual friend called me asking, “Can you go meet with Kanye?” I turned my car around, drove to where the dancers were rehearsing, met with Ye and his production heads. I should note, I had no earthly clue why I was there at first. You can imagine my confusion.

Since I’m a musician, hearing them say, “Soooooo… we want Jesus to appear,” I’m like, “Uh huh… okay.”

“We’d like YOU to be Jesus”

“Say what now?!”

Even after the meeting, I somehow thought that was as far as it would go. But an hour later, I got the call, “Can you get on a plane to Seattle and go on tour for 4 months?”   I really wasn’t sure I wanted to do it. It seemed so uncharacteristically silly for me. My wife was thoroughly confused. But she loves the Yeezus record even more than I do. Anyhow, I got on the plane.

TC: What were you thinking the first time you were standing in the volcano waiting to walk on stage before 20k people?

WJ: For the first show in Seattle, I really didn’t have time to process what I was doing at all. It all happened so fast. I did have some of those weird lucid moments—standing at the top of that giant mountain, staring down at Madison Square Garden, thinking, “I have the weirdest life ever.”

TC: What’s the most conventional job you’ve ever had?

WJ: I was a temp for a minute, doing things like night-shift data entry for UPS… shit like that. 

TC: Was the backstage environment typically debaucherous? Drugs, etc.?

WJ: If you consider weed a drug. I didn’t see much of anything else. It was kind of a “rite of passage” that everyone in the inner circle has to do a “dab.” For those who don’t know, a dab is a high-powered, ultra-concentrated bong hit. Mike Dean was King Dab. My induction into the club came on my first night. Afterwards, I spent about an hour alone looking for our tour bus.

TC: Any tour highlights?

WJ: Man. Such a whirlwind; hard to say. it was great when I got to spend time alone with Ye. I realize it’s shocking to hear, but he’s a super great guy. Funny, warm, even patient. Not at all what we’re trained to expect from him. Playing with North, his baby girl, was memorable. I had some interesting conversations with Kris Jenner. She likes me for some reason.

TC: Weirdest thing that happened?

WJ: There was literally nothing that wasn’t weird about the whole thing.

TC: Any fallout from the religious community?

WJ: Yes! Lutherans like my father just laughed (he loved it), but the far right made me Public Enemy No. 1 right away. Glenn Beck has a site called “The Blaze”, which you should check out if you wanna get your racist hillbilly comment fix. Anyway, they were all saying that I’m going to hell, which I wear as a badge of honor. Those folks couldn’t be lower-functioning—brain dead.

TC: What did you tell your friends and family when you were hired?

Nothing at first. I did the first week of touring without anyone but my wife knowing. So as soon as photos and footage hit Buzzfeed, HuffPo, etc., the cat was out of the bag. If you know me, this was not something you’d expect me to do. Most of my friends just couldn’t believe it.

TC: What are the best perks about being White Jesus?

WJ: Well personally, I genuinely love the Yeezus album. I 100% would NEVER have dressed up as fucking Jesus for anyone else.

TC: Any memorable private moments with Kanye you can share?

WJ: Yeah. For some reason, rehearsing our bit in front of Kim and her family (and the camera crews from her show) really seemed to wig him out. So he would grab me and say, “Let’s get outta here.” We’d go into some other room alone. He’s really great one-on-one. It’s strange trying to merge the image we all have of him through the media lens, with who I experienced him to be in person; they don’t seem like the same guy. Not that all the crazy shit he says is an act… he’s just complicated like that. In person, he’s a sweetheart; on stage he chooses to project a huge ego or whatever. You’ll just have to take my word for it. He’s a good dude.

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TC: What’s the funniest thing Ye ever said to you?

WJ: In Washington D.C., he walked up to me and said, “Man! I can’t imagine how much pussy you be gettin’ bein’ White Jesus.” TC mark









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Love hurts
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Where I round up the most inspiring editorials of the week. TC mark

1. Jamie Bochert styled by Sarah Richardson.

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Jamie Bochert, moonlighting as a raunchy kitten for W Magazine’s Fall 2014 issue, shot by Sebastian Faena.

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2. Catherine McNeil styled by Natasha Royt.

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For Vogue Australia’s October 2014 issue, Robbie Fimmano shoots Catherine in some of the more grander items of the season.

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3. Frida Gustavsson styled by Virginie Benarroch and Margot Rousseau.

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I think Frida is trying to tell us that she’s fun in this editorial from the September issue of Glamour France, shot by Stefan Heinrichs.

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4. Rihanna styled by Nadia Rath.

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Rihanna goes Cruella de Vil for TUSH Magazine’s 35th issue, shot by Steven Gomillion.

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5. Crista Cober styled by Elizabeth Sulcer.

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Crista Cober shows her neat tattoos and her nipples for Vamp Magazine’s second issue, shot by Santiago & Mauricio Sierra.

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1. Tipping, it’s not just a city in China

Let me just throw this out there in the nicest manner possible. You tip your hair dresser, right? You tip your nail technician, right? You tip your eyebrow waxer, right? You tip your masseuse, right? Well we are all of these things in one visit. Not to mention we brush your dogs teeth, comb out knots, get bit and keep going, deal with the growling and snarling, all while your dog is dancing around on our table. I bet you sit still for your dentist, hair dresser, and so on…well your little pooch does not. No amount of you standing there staring at him telling him to be a good boy will help. My point is, we put up with much more than you think. Fluffy isn’t going to sit still, nor does she want to.

2. When we seem upset, it’s usually not because of you or your dog

Don’t take it personally, but the world does not revolve around you or the new hair cut you got while Bella was getting hers. You, as one person, do not carry the power to throw us completely off. The reality is we have on any given day 5-30 dogs in our salon at a time. Doesn’t sound like that many with 6-12 employees huh? Let me fill you in on a fun fact. While you took 5 hours to get your asymmetrical bob cut to just the right angle, and your highlights brought to just the right tone and shade, your little pom-a-poo had to poop, twice. This means she was washed a total of three times because Bella decided it would be in everyone’s best interest to prance through her gift she left us. Not only do we now have to rewash your little bundle of joy, but we have to wash and sanitize the cage each time as well. This gets frustrating, because guess what? It wasn’t just Bella who had to release herself all over her fresh do, but half of the other dogs too.

3. Designer breeds…

I’m going to break this to you gently. Your dog is not a pom-a-malt-a-peik. I know you may have paid a price tag as cute as the “breeds” name, but sadly Sparky is considered a mutt. Let me break it down even easier. Michael Kors and Dolce and Gabanna did not team up to create “Korsbanna”. Your dog is in our system as whatever is resembles most to us. You may come in with a “malt-e-poo” and we may put it under a shih tzu. It all depends on the type of coat, size, and look of your fur baby.

4. Can you make him look like Boo?

No, no we cannot make your German Sheppard look like the famous Pomeranian.

5. We are not a baby sitter

Yes, we are many things but a baby sitter is not one of them. We would be more than happy, overjoyed even, to give you the name of a doggie daycare. The general gist is you bring Princess in, we make her pretty and we send her on her way. We do not take Princess out for a walk just because 3:17 on the dot is her daily stroll. That is not our job. If you feed your dog at or around 6 pm and Rufus’s appointment is at 5pm, we do not feed him dinner and I can guarantee you he is hungry at 8pm. Just a heads up, if he didn’t already relieve himself in our cages, that little dance he’s doing is not an “I’m so glad your back dance”. That would be the potty dance. So before Rufus jumps in the back seat of your new Buick with leather seats, let him do his business. Otherwise you’ll be getting your car detailed.

6. So you called to see if Milo finished?

Guess what? Everyone else did to. Here’s the breakdown of this one. The owners of Princess, Rocky, Fido, Bella, and Rufus also called to see if their pooches were done as well or when they will be done. I can promise you that when you dropped off your fluff ball, we told you an approximate time and that WE would call YOU to let you know your angel is finished. Every time those phones ring, someone has to put down their dog to answer it, delaying the time it takes to finish Milo. If the phone rings 28 times in the 3 hours we said it would take to have Milo looking as fresh as the ink on the matted release form you signed, we most likely had to take him off of the grooming table at least 6 of those times. If each phone call is 5 minutes long between booking appointments, owners checking on the status of their baby, and so on, that is an extra 30 minutes in just calls that put us behind. I bet a large sum of money on the fact that if owners did not call while their pooch was in our care, they would almost always be out sooner than the time we promised when you dropped them off.

7. We look stressed?

Telling us to smile won’t help. I can guarantee you that whatever we have going on we have under control. With that being said, having Cujo try and attack us every time we clip a nail becomes stressful, on us, on him, and on your dog who is listening to Cujo’s displeasure. There are 20 nails and when they decide to put up a fight it takes longer than 20 seconds to finish cutting them. You are telling me to put a smile on my face while I have a 200 pound beast on my table with a muzzle on him. Smiling is the last thing on my mind. What I’m more concerned with is that dogs safety and whether or not he’s going to tear that muzzle off and possible end me right there. So pardon me if I look stressed, but in situations like that, I’m not concerned with how I look. On the other hand, if I do not have a dog on my table and I am sweeping up hair or answering a call, maybe that’s just the way my face looks. It’s sometimes referred to as resting bitch face. We can’t help it. We can only fake a smile for so long when some people were just born with this issue.

8. Can you leave her as long as possible?

9 times out of 10 when you ask this the answer is no unless you brush her every day. It is with my deepest apologizes and a heavy heart that I have to say Nala has 8 months of mats on her body tugging at her skin. She is in constant pain but does not show it. She has become used to this agony and I nor any other salon member I know, will inflict pain on her by trying to comb them out. I’m sorry but it is in Nala’s best interest to be shaved and start fresh. Why shave her you ask? Because I’m not going to sit there and comb thru each mat that is urine soaked, causing them to rip her delicate skin open. Imagine having one big dread lock on your head. Now imagine me standing over you with a comb for 3 hours pulling and tugging on it endlessly. It would turn into a literal bloody mess with noises that will haunt me for years to come. TC mark









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