1. Don’t assume anything. Ever.
2. It’s a good rule of thumb that the more brilliant the person, the more eccentric and difficult the personality.
3. Don’t expect praise. You may perform perfectly and never get that pat on the back you thought you deserved. But you’re a big girl; take the gold stars out of the equation and simply take pride in your own work. You will be a far more content person.
4. Never take anything personally.
5. Nothing is impossible. There’s always a solution somewhere; sometimes it just requires a more roundabout or creative approach.
6. Always think three steps ahead if you want to prevent impending disaster and keep your sanity (and often your job.)
7. Often if you don’t take the initiative, it will never get done.
8. Never accept “no” for an answer. There’s always a way to bend the rules, always a way to use flattery and persistence to get what you need. A “no” is just an initial offer.
9. Always look busy. Even when you’re bored to tears and feel completely underutilized, make it a point to appear hard at work and you will receive far more respect.
10. Successful people take risks and act boldly.
11. Don’t burn your bridges. You never know when you may need that person for a future connection, reference, or simply basic counsel. Your reputation will thank you.
12. Using discretion is one of the best ways to project professionalism.
13. Always be good to doormen, vendors, your FedEx Guy, everyone who provides a service for you. Not only is it just good code of conduct, but that person could potentially save your ass when you really need it. And a little goes a long way.
14. When all else fails, fake it ‘til you make it. Seriously — it works.
15. In the theater, one of the most important lessons I was taught was that there are no small parts, only small actors. As an assistant, it’s easy at times to feel demeaned or not valued — don’t let yourself go there. Remember that you are an imperative piece of the puzzle, and that it all would fall apart without you. Job well done.
1. I think I’ve been there.
2. Brunch on a Tuesday? This makes no sense.
3. Why do I follow her?
4. I get it. You went running today.
5. I don’t think she has a job.
6. I bet Kanye gives her a limit on how many pictures she can Instagram of North per week.
7. Is that a different beach?
8. That’s not even a creative hashtag.
9. Is everyone a nutritionist? How does that salary provide for the comfort of purchasing 20 Kind bars?
10. She doesn’t look like that in real life.
11. I’m not creative enough to adequately participate in “#TBT”
12. How does everyone have their own baby pictures on their phones?
13. Maybe they’re taking iPhone pictures of real life pictures.
14. That seems like a lot of effort.
15. Aspen? Wasn’t he in Cabo like last weekend?
16. They got a dog?
18. What is he doing in Vegas?
19. Who is that?
20. She looks fat.
21. Private profile? Are you kidding.
22. …did I just request to follow her?
23. Unrequest. Unrequest.
24. X-Pro II is actually really flattering.
25. I wonder if Kylie feels awkward that Kendall is so much prettier than her.
26. You can tell Kendall isn’t even wearing makeup in this one.
27. That crabcake actually looks really good. Where is that restaurant?
28. Aruba? Are you serious?
29. #100happydays? I don’t get it.
30. I can’t tell if the blonde girl on Rich Kids of Instagram is pretty.
31. No, she’s like really pretty.
32. Guys shouldn’t even have Instagram.
33. More clothes I can’t afford…
34. Does he have a job?
35. How did that get 267 likes?
36. Okay seriously…does anybody else work during the day?
37. So you go out to dinner like…every night?
38. Kourtney is so down to earth.
39. Penelope is going to look really cute in that.
40. If Nat Geo doesn’t use any filters, why do they have Instagram?
41. Sh*t. Is there a way to turn off the volume on these videos?
42. Is that Chanel? Isn’t she in grad school?
43. #nofilter? #BS
44. That outfit isn’t even that cute.
45. STOP Instagramming quotes, Khloe.
46. What filter is that?
47. I could definitely get a dog if I wanted one.
48. Maybe I should move to LA.
49. That filter makes you look fat.
1. Mad Men – Arousal
It makes sense. The entire cast is so beautiful you actually can’t look directly at them in real life. They are collaboratively the solar eclipse of people. However, arousal can also apply to the alert state needed to view this show. It’s a world where silhetted ad men fall lawnmowers attack and just when you think you’ve tapped into the essence of a character, they morph into a completely different person. And by “they” I mean Bobby Draper.
2. 30 Rock – Hysteria
The music is so good throughout this show. The incidental music is nearly another zany character. Yet, something about the bonkers jazz intro fills me with an excitable panic. Not unlike the panic Jenna experiences on those Czechoslovakian organ-slimming pills or a non-fictional human experiences she really has to pee.
3. Family Ties – Nostalgia
What’s that? I can barely hear this song over the deafening longing for my childhood.
4. Tailspin – Frenzy
This song is the closest I’ll ever get to ingesting a club drug.
5. Community – Optimism
This song, like the earlier seasons, lifts hopes only to dash them.
6. Dexter – Conflicted
Such a jaunty theme set against the most visceral, sanguine breakfast of all time. Plus, this song reminds me it is time to, again, decide whether or not to root for a serial killer. But doughnuts!
7. L. Word – Sadness/Rage/Comprehensive Distress
The people who wrote this are good people, they do good things, but this is not one of them. It’s the worst theme song I’ve ever heard. This song haunts my daymares. That’s right, it doesn’t even wait until nighttime!
8. Gummi Bears – Vague Patriotic
Somethings cannot be explained.
9. Teen Wolf – Nervous, but Excited
Watch a show for teenagers. Have the emotions of a teenager… on a first date… in the 1950s… in the movies.
10. West Wing - Wistful
I wish President Bartlett was the President. Well, really I wish Rizzo from Grease was the President. However, due to the sorry state of our nation–people BARELY care about musicals anymore–Stockard Channing is, sadly, not going to carry enough electoral votes. Not even if Toby and Sam wrote all the speeches, CJ was Vice President, and Olivia Pope ran her campaign. This theme song reminds me of the death of a dream: a Bartlett White House.
11. Dawson’s Creek – Contempt
This song is mildly irritating. It is like blond, boxy sweatered 1990′s James Van Der Beek. It isn’t the worst Van Der Beek (See: How I Met Your Mother’s balding jerk Van Der Beek.) It also isn’t the best Van Der Beek (See: Present-day Van Der Beek, or that time he tells that guy he doesn’t want his life.)
12. Pretty Little Liars – Tension
Got a secret? I do, in fact. It’s that I watch this show. Fine it’s not a secret. It’s not even a guilty pleasure. It’s just a pleasure. Now that I’ve cleared the air, I can focus on what the gang will do when the police find ANOTHER, another body.
1. “Make sure you’re hard, but whatever you do, don’t finish yet. Think about something not sexy occasionally but don’t focus on it too long or you’ll lose it completely. Stay in the moment but let the plot of Man in the Iron Mask pop in every once in a while. That should work.”
2. “Was that a good moan or a bad moan? I honestly can’t tell if she’s loving this or just wanting it to be over right now.”
3. “Wait, she stopped making any type of sounds. Should I switch it up? Does she hate this? I can switch positions but maybe that’ll only be worse. Let’s do this for 45 more seconds and then we’ll switch. Ok maybe a minute because it feels awesome.”
4. “GET OFF HER HAIR, IDIOT!”
5. “Oh god, stop asking her if your move feels alright. Obviously it feels alright because it’s your move. Now slow it down. Slow, slow, sloooow. Now speed it up like Vin Diesel just hit the nos button under the seat of his car.”
6. “OK she’s mentioned her butt like five times. Is she just naming body parts or am I supposed to try some butt stuff?”
7. “I should say something sexy but I don’t want to sound fake and ridiculous. Is bosom still a word people use? Oh god don’t say bosom.”
8. “I’ve been on top way too long. My thighs are going to feel like I did every P90X workout in a row. Would it be rude to ice my hips after this?”
9. “This has been going on way too long. It just feels like we’re sloshing our crotches around at this point. Should we stop and watch House Hunters?”
10. “Who won Best Actor in 2007? Didn’t Forest Whitaker take that one? Good for him.”
11. “Ok hold on. We can both be moving our hips at different speeds. I can stop and you can move or vice versa, but right now we’re out of sync and literally nothing is happening.”
12. “She just finished! Time to go 100mph!!!”
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You tell us that you’re nice guys, and it’s our fault that you can’t seem to hold our attention.
You tried to prove that chivalry wasn’t dead by holding the door open for us and by paying for an incredibly expensive dinner we didn’t ask for when we were in the bathroom, so we couldn’t even offer to split the bill. You looked disappointed when I squeezed past you to get into the doorway of the popular, crowded café – what, you’re angry I didn’t thank you making sure the door didn’t slam in my face? Would you be upset if there was a man behind you, and he didn’t offer thanks? Would you have held the door for a man in the first place?
I probably shouldn’t have mentioned the ex on the first date, but that should set off warning bells in your head anyway. Maybe I’m not over him, and maybe I claim to be, but anyone keeping score at home could have told you to chalk it up to a frustrating evening and just let me go. The wine I was drinking kept my mind from wandering back to the ex who just wouldn’t stop texting me. The steak was to show you I wasn’t “that girl” who ordered a salad; I was the girl who genuinely wanted you to like me.
And when I realized that I just couldn’t wrap my head around dating the guy in front of me, I tried to make a graceful exit. How graceful it actually was shouldn’t be a matter for discussion, and it shouldn’t be an excuse for you to insult my choices in men. Aren’t you supposed to be a nice guy, after all?
On that note, Mr. Nice Guy, let’s talk about how wonderful you were to me. Sure, you listened to me talk, and gave me your full attention. You say you didn’t expect anything in return, but you clearly expected a goodnight kiss and a second date, since you’re so still so upset about this date days, weeks, months later. If you were really a nice guy, you’d understand that this wasn’t working for me, drown your disappointment in a beer with your buddies tomorrow night, and try another date with another girl next weekend.
You think you get it, explaining my insecurities as a reason for me to consider you once more, when in reality, it just makes you as disgusting to me as the self-proclaimed jerks you hold yourself so highly against. At least with those men, I knew what I was getting myself into. And while we’re on the topic, who the hell are you to judge my stretch marks and sagging skin? You’re in your thirties and still can’t manage to shave without cutting yourself. Your belt never matches your shoes. You’re so proud of your life accomplishments, but I’ve managed to balance my checkbook and my social choices. Go ahead and show off that fancy new car of yours. You’ll be riding in it alone, you know.
As the insults keep coming, my suspicions keep rising. If you know where I’ve been, why did you want to date me in the first place? If you’re so convinced that I don’t need a nice guy, why are you still dwelling on my meager existence? If you’re such a simple guy, find a nice simple girl who’s never dated anyone in her life and will dote on you like a housewife from the ‘50s. They opened doors for women and paid their dinner bills back then – they also discouraged married women from having careers and you know, living their lives. Times were simpler back then.
If you’re so convinced that the only reason I’m interested in you is because I’m washed up, maybe you should step back and re-evaluate your own perfect life with the little accomplishments you’re so proud of. Maybe you’d notice that I’ve grown up and moved on, too, and realized that I was looking for someone I could share my life with, not my bed with. I wasn’t expecting you to be sitting by the phone for me – but since I called you, clearly you’re not finding that “nice girl” you’re looking for, either. I’m glad I’ve taught you some lessons by now, but it’s clear you’ve still got some learning to do.
Bottom line – I thought I was ready to date you, but judging by your frustration, you were never ready to date me. Stop dwelling on my own emotional baggage and learn to unpack your own. You’re not nice, honey, you’re bitter. Stop pushing for pity as The Nice Guy, and start actually becoming one.