►►haley
►►haley

Amy is my best friend and it’s always been a complete mystery to me why she is always single. She’s 34, thin, reasonably pretty, employed, and a good family girl. She has a big laugh, lots of personality, and loves sex. Sounds like wife material, right?

Anyways she’s been in a new relationship for about a year and I think she is going to marry this guy. In all ways he is just good enough. I wouldn’t be into him, but whatever, I am happy she is happy. And she is happy. They are talking about marriage.

The problem is that I’m pretty sure this guy is trying to hook up with random girls on Tinder.

Let me explain. I made a dummy Facebook account for my Tinder because I just got out of a very long, very shitty relationship and I am very much not interested in dating, but I miss sex. So that’s what my Tinder is for. I have a couple body shots on it, but you can’t see my face.

While I was swiping, I came across someone who looked and awful lot like Amy’s boyfriend, but like me, his face was obscured (though, from what I could tell, I would guess it’s him). He has a pretty unique name, and the name and age matched. The tone from what he said in his bio also matched the way this guy talks. He said, explicitly, that he is looking for NSA sex. We matched. He messaged me, “hi.”

I don’t think it’s completely out of the question that it’s a big coincidence, but that makes it harder to figure out what to do. One one hand I wonder if I should message him and pretend to go along with what he is saying, long enough to get proof that it is Amy’s boyfriend and then tell her? I really, really don’t want to do this but I wonder if I am obligated to. Unless something goes off course, my friend is going to marry this guy and he is going to cheat on her for no reason, forever, until they probably have an unhappy divorce.

On the other hand, is it really any of my business? I don’t want Amy to shoot the messenger and hate me because I exposed her boyfriend as a weird cheater. I really don’t want to get in the middle of this or be involved in any drama. But I wonder if I am obligated to, is this really something I can keep quiet about or will I regret it if they get married and it ends badly — and I could have given her information to avoid that fate.

What should I do? TC mark









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It started out as just a casual conversation about our lives and what was going on with one another. He had a daughter who was 2 and just the cutest thing in the world. We then talked about our relationships and what we were struggling with. It was comfort with him and we were immediately drawn to each other because everything my partner didn’t have, he had and I know he felt the same about me. We became closer and closer. Texts turned into late night phone calls and it got much more serious. We were both persistent and curious. Kissing and seeing each other when we could and sneaking around like a couple of kids in high school. It made me feel young and alive. He agreed and we both I missed it.

A few months later, his wife got pregnant and I think his world was crashing down before his eyes. He didn’t want another child because having one was enough for him at the moment. He thought he was already being stretched too thin but it was happening and he had to deal with it. You would think I would’ve backed off after hearing his wife was pregnant but it drew me closer. We joke about how we are both going to hell because of what we were doing. He was struggling and I wanted to be everything his wife wasn’t even though I could probably never fill her shoes. I knew that he was a great father to his daughter and would be even better with his new baby.

My relationship was different and everything felt forced but at the same time I was comfortable with my boyfriend. We had been together since college and I always said I wanted to marry him but now I was having second thoughts. I loved everything about the idea and the process of getting married and being married because it seemed like a fairytale. But the way he would explain it with his wife, was the opposite. He kept telling me to wait and live out the rest of my 20s before settling. Got me thinking of course and it was me who was putting the pressure on myself to get married. But why? My parents got married in their late 30s and divorced 6 years ago for what my mother says “the same reasons I married your father for”. I shouldn’t put the pressure on myself. It would just happen. My family would just happen. Things just happen.

Neither of our partners has found out what we are doing. I am not sure if they will. Do I feel guilty? Yes, of course I do and I feel selfish of what I could be doing for him and his family unit. Sometimes I think about his wife and what I am doing to her, I truly am the “other woman”. Something I thought was never going to happen and would never have been in my vocabulary months ago. We talk about the future sometimes and what it would be like to be together but only time will tell and I will just let things happen. In the meantime, I go to work and live this perfect life on the outside. But on the inside I’m struggling and wanting to spend time with the man I love but he is married. TC mark









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mid-december 1973 lga

Tuesday, December 11, 1973

At Brooklyn College this morning, I realized that the people and events there still have a strong hold upon me; they probably always will.

I wandered into 142 LaGuardia to find Sid, Mike and Debbie sitting around, shooting the breeze. I hadn’t seen Debbie in such a long time, and I’d forgotten how fond I am of her.

She read me the first story she wrote for Spigot and was pleased to receive my admiration and approval. We talked about our families; her sister is very happily married.

While Peter was doing the books, I approached him on the subject of Mike’s attendance at classes. Peter said Mike hasn’t gone to one class since the first week of school in September. I know by now that it’s utterly useless to reason with Mike on that subject, but I still worry about him.

Stefanie asked me to go over a paper she’d written for a TV class, and I was so flattered that I did a good job in turning it into something like recognizable English.

The new Mugwump buttons came in, and some guy I don’t know handed me one, saying, “Wear it; you’re an old Mugwump, Grayson.” It does wonders for my ego when I return to LaGuardia.beach boys ticket

Mason and I were sitting outside in the lobby to escape a bad scene in 142 – Ron accusing someone of scalping Beach Boys tickets – when Elspeth came by; I gave her an affectionate kiss.

She’s now working as a secretary for the Police Department. Elspeth mentioned seeing Larry, whose M.A. in Communications led to his job as a cabdriver, and Jon Z, who’s dropped out of grad school and is working in the Harvard bookstore.

Then Elspeth said, “I have big news.” She and Robin had been to the Gay People’s birthday party for Pablo and they saw Stacy there – and she came and left with a girl with whom she danced.

I didn’t like Elspeth’s gossipy tone, and Mason merely shrugged; he’d known it all the time and said that weeks ago Stacy moved out of her house to move in with her lover.

I said, truly, that I wish Stacy well and felt that Stacy and I could have been really good friends had we not gotten involved romantically.

Mason said that in the past few months he felt himself falling in love with Stacy, but he knew it couldn’t work out because of her lesbianism and so backed away.

“She’s still one of my favorite women,” Mason said, “after Libby and Cathy.” He said Cathy is now living with a guy.

grapevine rectangleIt’s such a small world. Elspeth told us she’s really happy seeing this guy – who turns out to be Josh’s crazy best friend from junior high, Andy.

I had a pleasant lunch with Carl, who’s decided to become a Dance major. He reported that his brother Alan is visiting Phil in Arizona and will be home for Christmas.

Back in LaGuardia, Carl and I met up with Avis, who said she’s given up her plans to fly to Germany and stay with Helmut during intersession; the problems were just insurmountable and while she’s disappointed, she seems to be taking it well.

Avis has learned something important, she said: “One doesn’t have to receive instant gratification because it seldom comes.”

When Ronna came out of class, I had tea with her and Susan, who’s very involved in st. mawrapplying to grad schools in English; I’m sure she’ll make something Ivy League.

Ronna seemed in good spirits; her mother agreed that she can quit working for Mr. Fishman.

I left BC to go to Richmond, where Prof. Ebel had another one of his fantastic classes, this time on Lawrence’s St. Mawr. I ran into John in the elevator, and he was quite friendly.


Sunday, December 16, 1973

There are times when I wonder if I won’t be happy until I destroy myself. I behaved so badly today and am ashamed of myself; my relationship with Ronna may be jeopardized beyond repair.

And the awful part is – or maybe it’s the saving grace – I understand it all now: my actions today. But now it’s too late.

Ronna brought Billy here this afternoon. I didn’t really want him to come, but he’s been making such a pest of himself these past few weeks, I wanted to quiet him down and look like a good guy to Ronna besides.

I had been in a black mood all day, blaming it on a bad night’s sleep and the wet, freezing snow that was falling all day. But everything was going fine: we all played pool, and Ronna and Billy were playing with Jonny’s hockey game as I watched TV.

Ronna was saying how it was time for them to go, and Billy began to whine as children do about how he wanted to play more pool. He picked up the cue stick and something came over me – I suppose that’s as good as phrase as any to relieve oneself of responsibilities for one’s actions – and I started to yell, almost shriek, “I said you’re going home!”

Instantly, I regretted it as Billy began to whimper and Ronna looked coldly shocked. I apologized immediately, but the damage was done. As I drove them home, we were all silent and I felt very mid-december 1973 kids in houseashamed.

Ronna took Billy upstairs, and I tried to scrape the ice from my car window. After a while, I went up and asked Ronna if she would speak to me in the hallway; I wanted to find out if she hated me.

“I don’t hate you,” she said, “but I hope I don’t feel sorry for you.”

She said it wasn’t that traumatic – so I couldn’t cope with children; then I shouldn’t have them – but she said she had never seen me act that way, as if I were out of control.

She said she still wanted to see me, and when she said she still loved me, I had to turn away, as I was crying, ashamed.

Ronna shook my hand, and I left, knowing that it would be a long time before she could feel close to me again. But I understood it only too well, for my self-laceration afterwards was the point of the whole emotional exercise.

The whole week emerged in a clear pattern: Stacy’s coming out, stirring up my own feelings of helplessness about my bisexuality; Ivan’s call, which exacerbated everything as at once I saw him as the straight-as-an-arrow male who’d be much better for Ronna than I am, and also as an attractive guy whose looks I once liked.

Last evening Marc’s friends were over, and I noticed one guy, Kyle, had his name tattooed on his muscular arm and he unzipped his shirt to reveal a soft, hairy chest. I had fantasies about him all night – maybe that contributed to my poor sleep – and for the first time I masturbated while fantasizing about sucking a guy’s penis.

apa homosexualitySo today’s dark mood was caused not by a snowy Sunday or a pesky little boy but by my guilt feelings – despite today’s page one New York Times story the American Psychiatric Association voting yesterday to take homosexuality off their list of mental illnesses.

When I yelled at Billy, I was very much in control, accomplishing several things at once: blowing off anger at someone who couldn’t defend himself; doing something to drive Ronna to break up with me and find a “normal” guy to be her boyfriend; and above all, to make my guilt feelings more concrete.

It’s too late now, but maybe I can avoid this next time. I hope so; it’s really not worth it.


Tuesday, December 18, 1973

It’s 2 PM and I find myself unable to shake off this deep depression that’s been haunting me these past few days.

I feel as though I am going through a time of crisis and I keep waiting for the fever to xmas stamp 1973break, for the pimple to come to a head. I can’t work on my term papers, I have an undying headache, and somehow I want to rage at the world.

Tonight is the Beach Boys concert. Once I really looked forward to it, but now I can’t wait until it is over. I dread the idea of sitting there in that crowd – counterfeit tickets were sold, and there are rumors of a riot – with Ronna, Felicia and her boyfriend.

In a little while I’m going to attempt to drive to Staten Island and pick up Jochnowitz’s final and attend Ebel’s class, and I’m not looking forward to that, either.

It’s so sloppy outside, and hard to get around, and the trees look so sad, broken and covered with ice; it makes me want to throw up my hands in frustration.

But although no doubt it’s a contributing factor, I can’t blame my depression on all the snow and ice outside.

Last night when Dad came home, we went over to the Male Shop, where Lennie’s tailor fitted my sport jacket and pants for Jonny’s bar mitzvah in February.

In my plaid flannel shirts and jeans, I feel so out of place in the Male Shop; next to Dad and his stylish friends, I feel like a mess.

Finally last night, our phones were fixed, and I called Ronna. We talked for a long time about the incident on Sunday; I know it’s changed her opinion of me.

But she says it doesn’t have to change things between us: “Now I just know that you can have temper tantrums.”

Ronna is seeing Ivan today, to give him the Beach Boys tickets she’s getting from Leroy, and I suppose that fact contributed to my masochistic misery.

I went to BC this morning, hoping that seeing people would cheer me up. It was good to see Avis, whom I hugged – I got her Christmas card today – and Mikey and Mike.xmas stamp 2

Meyer told me he went to a screening and met Rex Reed; Meyer’s becoming a big shot reviewer now.

Helen and Sid made me laugh, and this 12-year-old kid, a sophomore who’s a math genius, came in to see Sid. Everyone was looking at each other as the kid talked, almost as if he were a freak, which I suppose he is.

I had lunch at the Pub with Mara, who was such good company. I told her about my yelling at Billy on Sunday, and she said it wasn’t important; she feels that I’ll marry Ronna someday.

Mara is still seeing Eric, but I got the idea that she’d like to break off with him to go with this dental student she met, only she doesn’t have the guts to hurt Eric.

Mara and I didn’t do much gossiping but instead talked about important things, like what we want out of life.

She also mentioned that she was opening the mail for Mrs. Javits yesterday and reported that Nixon sent out an ugly Christmas card this year.

I love Mara so much; I’ve got to get her something for her birthday on Thursday. We agreed that we’ll continue to be friends even if we’re married: you need a person of the opposite sex to talk to, one besides your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend.

On my way off campus, I ran into Scott, who had an extra ticket to the concert tonight but was unsure who to give it to.


Wednesday, December 19, 1973

I’m feeling much better tonight. I don’t know whether the holiday spirit has finally gotten to me or what, but I’m no longer depressed.

ice storm nytThe drive to Richmond yesterday was hazardous, but I made my way safely. I went to George Jochnowitz’s office to pick up the final; the school had closed down on Monday night because of the storm, after all, so I couldn’t have gotten it then.

In the cafeteria to get a cup of tea, I sat down at a table with Dorothy, Andrea and Freema, and we chatted about school business.

The Board of Higher Ed named Edmond Volpe the new President of Richmond College, so that’s over with, and now holiday time is coming up.

Andrea said she can’t take the hassles from every new student government each year, and she wants to quit as secretary and go to FIT.

Dorothy expressed concern about her leaving – because Richmond, and the people there, are Andrea’s whole life – but Freema thought she’d get along fine. I think Dorothy, as Dean of Students, depends on Andrea a lot.

Prof. Ebel left a note on our door that he was canceling class. A woman in the class was dismayed, because she had no way of getting back to Brooklyn, so I offered to drive her home.

But once in the parking lot, I was stuck – literally – on the ice. For over an hour, I tried everything – shoveling, putting dirt and mats under my tires, pushing – until finally, when I was about to give up, six strong boys from McKee High School pushed me out.

Somehow it was there and then that my mood turned to one of optimism: if I could cope with a frustrating situation like that without losing my cool, and actually getting out of the jam, I felt I could cope with all my other problems.

I dropped off the woman in my class in Bay Ridge and drove to BC, stopping off to have a quick dinner at a deli on the way. In LaGuardia, I found Vito, Helen and Alex working in the office, and finally Ronna met me at 7 PM as we’d planned.

She said Ivan had called her that morning to say he’d thought it over and decided that for the ticket was too much – so I guess that’s the last of Ivan until he pops up again.

Fifteen dollars is a lot of money for a concert, but I don’t understand why someone with a trust fund and a millionaire father would think so.

We stood on line in the cold in front of Whitman with Avis and Carl and finally got into the well-policed auditorium (many guards and all the deans were out in force, patrolling the place).

Before the show, Ronna and I talked; there’s some resentment between us, but we’ll try to work it out. I just want to put Sunday in the past, and I hope Ronna can do that, too.

Felicia joined us and introduced us to her tall, friendly boyfriend Spencer just before the beach boys 1973show.

The Beach Boys gave a pretty good concert, starting with “Happy Birthday” and “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” and then going through all their hits: “California Girl,” “Surfer Girl,” “Surfing U.S.A.,” “I Get Around,” etc., ending with “Fun Fun Fun.”

The music was perhaps a little loud for me, but we had a good time. Felicia, Spencer, Ronna and I had a lot of fun when we got to my car, as we smashed the caked-on ice and watched it fall off: wonderful for relieving hostility, seeing the ice shatter.

We went to Fulton’s for coffee and cake, and I had a surprisingly good time, very much enjoying Felicia and Spencer’s company.

This morning I awoke late, decided not to bother going to class, and instead attended to various things I had to take care of. I went to Kings Plaza and picked out cards and presents for Mara, Susan, Melvin, Mikey, Grandpa Herb, and Avis: late December is a big time for birthdays for me.

I also mailed out the last of my Christmas cards. In Sam Goody’s, Mason helped me select an album for Mara and told me that Stacy moved back home, so I can send her Christmas card there. She and Mason went to the concert together last night.

When I returned home, I found Grandpa Herb and Grandma Ethel visiting, so I gave Grandpa his birthday card and he presented me with Chanukah money.

I received Christmas cards today from Alice and from Congressman Brasco. TC mark









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You said me that..
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Parenthood: Season 2
Parenthood: Season 2

My son stole a cola bottle from a sweetie display the other day.  I scolded him for doing such a naughty thing and persuaded him to take the saliva drenched sweet out of his mouth. Where to put it? No tissue, no bin and no chance of putting it back in the display. So I ate it.

He’s two and has no impulse control. I’m forty and supposedly do. It’s not rational. Parenting is frustrating, joyful and hilarious. It is also on occasion highly irrational. These are just some of those moments.

  1. It seems perfect normal to check your boots for plastic angry birds before you put them on.
  2. 6.30 appears like a great lie-in.
  3. You save a miniscule amount of food from the bottom of the saucepan because it might be half a portion for a small child.
  4. Your fridge contains a multitude of small unmarked Tupperware which you open at every mealtime in the hope that your child will eat these half portions, but after 3 days you always throw them away. But you still keep saving them in the hope that one day…
  5. Your normal response to viciously screamed insults is ‘Are you a bit tired darling?’
  6. Spiking dishes with hidden vegetables and lying about it is a good thing to do.
  7. You use food as bribery for good behaviour all the while knowing that this creates unhealthy associations.
  8. You sit boldly sucking the sauce off chicken or dissecting a casserole in a restaurant. Anything to make your child eat it (although they probably won’t).
  9. You don’t order food for yourself in a restaurant, or maybe just a starter. There’s a good chance you will have to finish your children’s food and you’re not even ashamed.
  10. You make the choice of restaurant based on how big the pram parking area is and the quality of the play activities given to your children beforehand. The food will probably be shit (but that’s not what restaurants are about nowadays).
  11. You evaluate potential friends not on whether you like them, but on whether they have children to play with yours.
  12. You don’t see the people you actually like because your kid doesn’t get along with theirs.
  13. You carefully balance tiny garments on the laundry line even though you know they will end up falling on the floor as they dry.
  14. Babysitting for a night out is worth so much more if it includes the morning after.
  15. You realize after the fifth ‘why’ that you don’t know very much about how nature does its thing and instead say that thing you promised yourself you would never say ‘because I said so’.
  16. You start referring to your friend as Sarah’s Mum.
  17. …and to your partner as ‘Daddy’ more often than his actual name.
  18. …and to yourself in the third person. Mummy’s cleaning right now.
  19. There is literally no way fair way to decide who gets the toy, so instead you confiscate it. After 10 minutes of screaming you give it back with a ‘I hope you learned a lesson”. What was the lesson? You don’t know.
  20. You lie ridiculously about why they can’t watch television because you don’t really understand ‘why it’s not good for you.’
  21. An ultra expensive parental aid which is blatantly not worth it, becomes a necessity because it will afford you a tiny amount less work (for about two weeks).
  22. You no longer judge other parents whose child is a biter, because you know that if you do the very next week your child will bite someone. It’s called parent karma. It works in mysterious ways.
  23. The bookcase contains extremely small cardboard or fabric books in which cannot be stacked or organized in any way. They do not belong in the bookcase, but for some reason, you still put them there.
  24. You’re not quite sure whether to be proud or ashamed when your child hits someone who hits them first.
  25. Looking after other people’s children also means you have accepted to wipe their bottoms after they’ve gone to the toilet.
  26. You don’t wear a significant proportion of your wardrobe when your children are around because the clothes will get ruined. In two years they will be too small because you have taken to finishing your children’s uneaten food. You will have barely worn them.
  27. After a long day waiting for bedtime so you can get a bit of alone time you get out your phone and watch the videos of them you took earlier that day.
  28. You find miscellaneous small pieces of clothing in your laundry basket and you’re okay with having no idea where they’re from even though this is basically stealing.
  29. You justify spending a lot of money on educational toys on the basis that you will sell them afterwards. Later on you will give them all away for free just to get a little more space in your home.
  30. The amount of prior planning has no direct correlation to whether or not you arrive on time.
  31. You give away perfectly good brand new shoes because your child just won’t wear them. You don’t understand why you cannot ‘force’ them to wear them.
  32. Made up collective nouns like ‘a grobble of straws’ start to make perfect sense.
  33. You agree after the fifth time that ‘diamonds and gold’ can also be pronounced ‘damas and goal’ (and start pronouncing it that way yourself to avoid further argument).
  34. You rejoice about your child turning two so that they can get their own seat on the airplane, but then realize traveling is simply not worth it – not only because you can no longer afford to go anywhere but also because they can move about and you don’t want the stress.
  35. You have learned the surprising art of keeping a straight face when your kid explains to you in front of guests that they just put a finger up their bottom.
  36. 5 minutes of longed for silence can’t be enjoyed because it means you have to go and see what they’re doing.
  37. You feel the utter panic you might if a nuclear war had been announced because your child decides suddenly they don’t like their best friend anymore and they’re only due to go home the next morning.
  38. You turn into a wild screaming maniac because your child is just about to touch some poo in the street (or in their own nappy). DON’T TOUCH THAT IT’S DUTTY. DUTTY.
  39. How-to raise a child manuals only confuse you. The more you read the less you know.
  40. You love another person more than you ever believed possible even though they make your life hell. But somehow this is completely and utterly irrationally… worth it. TC mark









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Warning.
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RihannaVEVO
RihannaVEVO

1. They want to cuddle more than you. Believe it or not, this is not a work of fiction. Ask your baby boy at any time if he wants to cuddle and he will say yes, guaranteed.

2. You can talk to them about ANYTHING. Literally. Your mushy-hearted goon’s ears will perk up faster than those of a hungry rottweiler. And the weird thing is, sensitive guys will ACTUALLY listen!?

3. They understand you. No matter what emotional contagion you harbor this morning, he can sense it. And he will adapt accordingly.

4. They are easy to please. No complexity to this one, just a kiss on his forehead and the holding of his hand will keep him content for hours.

5. Their concept for caring is unmatched. His excessive emotions will corrupt him into becoming a giant Care Bear. But that just means more kisses and chocolates for you!

6. It’s like having another girl friend. DO NOT tell him this, his brain will liquify. Consider yourself warned.

7. They will over compliment you. You can never get enough compliments! – Except after the hundredth time…

8. They can show you some REAL respect. Opening doors, pulling out chairs, they will gladly go the whole 9 yards.

9. They are incredibly loyal. You never have to worry about a sensitive guy cheating on you. The crown will forever be on your head. There’s only one true princess to a knight in shining armor.

10. They will make you feel beautiful. He will do whatever it takes in order for you to comprehend how worthy you are to him. You may not be the best looking girl around, but in his eyes, NOBODY can exceed your passion, beauty, and loveliness. TC mark









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Mom: Season 1
Mom: Season 1

1. Because her love for you will always be unconditional.

I am not a mother, but my own mother sure did a wonderful job of expressing her unconditional love for me and my sister. Though she is no longer physically with me, I can lay my head to sleep each knowing me that she will never stop loving me.

2. Because she will ALWAYS have your back.

No matter what you do, no matter how many rules you break, no matter how many times you get a speeding ticket, no matter if you went to jail, no matter what- who will always have your back? YOUR MOM.

3. Because she gave you life.

Not speaking from experience, but from the stories I’ve heard, child labor is painful. Your mother carried you for 9 months and endured those pains for you. Don’t take her for granted.

4. Because she will always forgive you.

You can be in a bad mood, you can basically tell her off, make her cry but no matter what she will always forgive you and take you back into her loving arms.

5. Because she has made MANY sacrifices for you.

She has sacrificed her life to make yours better.

6. Because she is the glue that keeps your family together.

Who always does all the cooking, planning, holiday planning, etc.?, most likely, your mother. She will always make sure you family stays close and sticks together. My mom passed away last year, she as 48 years old. Everything falls apart. Take my word for it.

7. Because she is your safe haven.

A sad, lonely, heartbroken you walks into the arms of your mother and nothing can seem anymore uplifting. All of your stress will wash away and you are at peace in her arms. You only get one mother, one chance to love her, to cherish her and to make memories with her. Don’t ever take that for granted. TC mark









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