This sketch, written by Alan Starzinski and John Timothy for College Humor 2, takes the childhood game of pretending the floor was lava and blends it perfectly with every apocalypse movie trope ever conceived. Worth a watch for the fantastic writing and spot on end-of-the-world style cinematography, worth two watches for the skillful way the cast avoids touching the floor. Spoiler alert: a fuck-ton of pillows, duh.
Pizza is like ice cream—if you don’t like it, you’re probably a murderer.
Actually, scratch that—one can be a murderer and also enjoy a nice spicy pizza pie, as many of the following true-life stories will demonstrate.
According to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, professional drivers—a category that includes pizza-delivery peeps—suffered 748 fatalities in 2013, which is more than three times as many deaths as construction workers, who represent the second most-fatal occupation. The Baltimore Sun cites an Association of Pizza Delivery Drivers website claiming that police reports show that one or two pizza drivers are assaulted daily.
Although it’s true that pizza can make you flabby and give you gas, I’ve designated these 15 pizza-related crimes as “flabbergasting” due to their uniqueness. After you’ve swallowed all 15 slices, I’ve generously served up another 20 links to pizza-related crimes.
California’s “Three Strikes” law—in which you get a sentence of 25 years to life for your third felony—struck Jerry Dewayne Williams especially hard. In July 1994 he stole a slice of pepperoni pizza from a group of children eating at a seaside pizza shop and was convicted of felony petty theft. It would have been a misdemeanor, but his prior felony convictions upgraded it to a felony.
High-school dropout Brian Douglas Wells had been delivering pizza for almost three decades in Erie, PA. In 2003, he had become enmeshed in a labyrinthine plot with accomplices that involved being strapped to what he thought would be a fake bomb. Instead, his co-conspirators called for a pizza delivery at a remote location and when Wells arrived, they fastened a real bomb around his neck at gunpoint. They gave him a shotgun and instructed him to pull off a bank robbery. Police tried to apprehend Wells after the heist, but he warned them to keep their distance because he was strapped with a bomb that was scheduled to explode. While a bomb squad was on its way and TV reporters were covering the event live, the device exploded and killed Wells.
DO NOT play this video if you don’t want to witness a man lose his life:
An alleged serial killer that LA police dubbed “Grim Sleeper” was suspected of at least 10 murders, nearly all of his victims black females, between 1985-88 and 2002-2007. When police realized that the DNA of a felon named Christopher Franklin was very similar to that found at several crime scenes, Christopher’s father, Lonnie David Franklin, Jr., became a prime suspect in the slayings. Detectives set up a sting operation at a restaurant where a detective posed as a waiter and collected a DNA sample from a pizza crust that Lonnie Franklin had left behind. It matched saliva found on several victims, and Franklin was arrested in July 2010. He is still awaiting trial.
Robert Wheeler, a morbidly obese, grey-bearded man in Florida who has the word “Fat” tattooed on his left arm, was arrested in August 2012 after allegedly punching a 19-year-old delivery driver in the face because the driver forgot to include garlic knots with his order.
Domino’s Pizza came to national prominence in part because they used to guarantee that they’d give you a discount if your pizza wasn’t delivered within 30 minutes of your order. In 1990, a teenage Domino’s driver from Indiana who was rushing to deliver a pizza on time smashed into the van of a 41-year-old woman, killing her. Domino’s paid her family .8 million in a settlement.
This past January, an 86-year-old Alabama man was beaten and stabbed to death in his home, allegedly by a trio of young suspects. According to the District Attorney handling the case, they stole his wedding ring, pawned it, and bought a pizza with the money. “It’s just a senseless crime – for pizza. That’s what they got out of it,” prosecutor Ashley Rich told a reporter.
In the 1980s, Domino’s Pizza used a savagely annoying cartoon character they called “The Noid” in their TV commercials:
In 1989, an Atlanta man whose real name was Kenneth Lamar Noid, paranoid that the ads were making fun of him, held employees at a Domino’s hostage for five hours. He successfully copped an insanity plea.
Using his cell phone from jail, a Kentucky shoplifting suspect named Michael Harp allegedly ordered five pizzas this past July for the policeman who arrested him. In addition to the shoplifting and public intoxication charges, authorities tacked on charges of identity theft and impersonating a police officer.
In 2011, a New Orleans teenager named Terrence C. Alexis reportedly admitted to police that he waited for a Domino’s delivery while holding a cup of bleach, then tossed it in the driver’s face upon his arrival, temporarily blinding him. Alexis was charged with robbery but apparently didn’t do too much time because he was arrested again in May of this year.
Angry that a customer had ordered a family sized pizza with Canadian bacon and extra cheese shortly before closing time, 18-year-old Austin Michael Symonds, a worker at a Papa Murphy’s franchise in Texas, rubbed his testicles on the customer’s stuffed pizza. Problem was, the customer was walking into Papa Murphy’s as it happened and witnessed the ball-rubbing incident. Simons was fired and charged with food tampering.
After bailing out of jail last year on charges of molesting his three-year-old daughter, Christipher [his spelling] Baker of Clifton, CO, drunkenly argued over a pizza with his alleged best friend Matthew Wilkerson. He placed Wilkerson in a chokehold and strangled him to death. Baker eventually accepted pleas for manslaughter and aggravated incest but only received a 14-year prison sentence.
Last month in South Carolina, a woman who was rebuffing sexual advances by a man in her home called 911 and temporarily deflected his attention by pretending to order a pizza. Police arrived to find the male suspect on top of the woman. He was handcuffed and is facing assault and burglary charges.
In 1995, an Albuquerque strip club called The Ice House featured an “adult entertainer” named Stephanie Evans, who touted herself as the “Human Super Soaker.” As part of her act, she forcibly ejected things such as water and ping-pong balls from her vagina onto the crowd. A visit from the local Environmental Health Department resulted in a report stating that “Pizza was readily available for consumption and was being consumed during the show.” It recommended that the club “Prohibit the serving of any food or drinks during the show that involves fluids being violently ejected from a vagina.” Although violently expelling fluids from one’s vagina onto a willing customer’s pizza may not technically be a crime, it is at least criminally distasteful.
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20 More Pizza-Related Crimes That Didn’t Make The Cut
Here are 20 more headlines involving pizza-related crimes that, although horrific, monstrous, and brutal, didn’t quite flabbergast me as much as the links above did.
Day man, ah ahhh. Fighter of the night man, ah ahhh. One of the most epic moments in one of the darkest comedies on television was recreated by a pretty hip band, and this is what it sounded and looked like.
It’s a cool fall day and you’re new in school, new in town, new to adulthood. You smile to yourself as you pass the old buildings and hand planted trees. This is the time of freedom and self sufficiency, time to grow up and shed the old you. You are prepared with your boots and scarves that make you look sophisticated yet trendy. It is then that you see him. He’s nothing near the conventional standard of good looking. He’s lanky and scruffy, his head may be a little too big for his body. Yet you notice he dresses in button ups and carries books, real books! He’s smart and funny in a quirky way. You exchange glances and then you part ways.
You are walking with your friends to a party, nothing too fancy just an apartment get together. When you arrive it is hot and cramped and you want to leave. Then you see him, he walks around talking and smiling to all the people he knows. Then he walks up to you and says one simple word “bourbon?”. You take a swig of the brown liquor he’s holding out to you and you do your best not to wince as it slides down your throat like molten lava. You lie through your teeth and say it’s so delicious. Then he smiles. He’s impressed. The night continues and you don’t talk.
Finally it is time to take your drunk friends home and you start walking home. He joins, wanting to leave as well. You’re both slightly annoyed by the drunk people and start talking. You talk about literature, you have found someone who loves reading as much as you do and you’re pleasantly surprised. He’s pretty drunk now at this point but the conversation is fantastic. Though you wonder if he is always this feminine, you find it cute. He almost walking in front of a car and you stop him. He looks at you with a brilliant smile and thanks you for saving his drunk life.
Then it starts to pour. You have about a mile to walk and you are cold and wet but so happy. Finally you get back home and invite him to stay so that he wont have to walk in the rain home. He accepts. You lay in bed and talk for hours, smiling and laughing. Finally when it is time to sleep you jump into your roommates vacant bed and allow him to use yours.
He wakes you up early the next morning, you are not a morning person but for him you are. He makes you food and you hang out all day and it is not long before you are communicating every day. He hasn’t asked you on a date yet and you’re getting nervous. You make the move, you’re sly about it and you ask him to show you a good bookstore since you are new here. He agrees and your date begins. Donuts and books and intellectual discussion follow. You can’t believe everything has gone so smoothly. You end the day sitting on a roof of a building, overlooking the city and he says what you have been dying to hear, “I really like you.” He says confidently. You shyly admit to having feeling for him and then your heart races as he asks to kiss you. The moment couldn’t have been more perfect and in a split second it’s over.
You can’t stop smiling and listening to love songs you pretend to hate. Life is wonderful, he is wonderful. You’ve forgotten what it’s like to be wanted by someone and you’re addicted to it. You crave every word that comes out of his mouth. Your friends love him and you love his friends. Parties are great and in the second week of dating you have sex. You do not make love, that’s for clingy girls. Mature girls have sex, for pleasure. It’s ok but he gets bored and you’re left feeling insecure. Why was he bored? Why weren’t you good enough? You try harder, having sex more and more. It’s not fun for you and he likes it at first but then bored again.
The stress is getting to you and he starts critiquing your literature choices. He challenges you on your opinions but not in a stimulating way. You’ve always prided yourself on your wits, since you were young. Then he speaks and you feel dumb. You want to prove yourself to him so you read his favorite authors. It’s not your style but you trudge on, you try so hard to be smart for him. To him you are an infant who knows nothing.
Weeks past and you’re at your wits end trying to impress him. To make the one who can’t fall in love, fall in love with you. He ignores you now and you don’t know what happened. You get him to take you home and you try to be romantic but he sleeps at the edge of the bed and all you can do is stare at the cold, dark ceiling and pray it wont happen. Hope it wont happen. Make it not happen. It happens. He says what no one wants to hear. He’s over you. You mean nothing to him. Just like that he’s on to the next and you’re left crying into your books. You aren’t so smart anymore.
It wouldn’t be so bad, I told myself. It wouldn’t take too long, fill too many boxes. It would be easy to erase myself from the walls and the rooms of this house, to disappear on a Wednesday night and never come back.
It would be good for me, this new start. I had done it many, many times: swept the products off their shelves, packed my things, tossed them in bags in the trunk and delivered them to their new home. Surprise! We moved.
It would be good for me to feel distracted. To focus on something besides what was happening around me, to have new floors to wash, neighborhoods to navigate, a new routine. I always liked to pack and unpack, playing house, and I was good at it. I could pack up whole houses in the time it took you to unpack a single room. Packing and unpacking suited my nervous energy, the constant need to have my hands full, a trait I inherited from my father. Go, go, go.
I would have my own space now, and once I had erased myself from this house with Clorox and a dustpan, I could create myself anew a few miles away. Burn sage at the door to keep them out, keep them from haunting my days and my dreams. Maybe burning sage is a superstition, but I’d do it just the same. I would have rooms to fill exactly as I liked: white and pale pink and gold, and piles of books stacked wherever there was space. It would be a safe place for me, a fortress I could build on my own. I would step out of this skin like a snake, shed this phase and begin anew. I was good at that, too.
But I still hurt, badly. This project was only a distraction, a detour from what was bubbling underneath.
I wanted his head on a silver platter. That was what I really wanted. The whites of my eyes constantly felt itchy and ragey red. I wanted the power of Salome. She had to have felt awfully bitter to wish for a man’s head to be severed solely to suit her whims, but I understood. Salome got what she wanted by virtue of her pretty face and swaying hips and I get what I want that way too, usually – except when I don’t, when someone stands impervious to my charm and the ambition in my eyes. I don’t like when that happens.
John and I were laying in the grass on the last sunny Saturday of the summer. We were both idly flipping through magazines, looking at books and half-absorbing their contents. We were comfortable enough with one another that we didn’t need to fill the empty silences with a flow of words, but we were talking about someone in a rich person’s magazine. “It’s like I always think, ‘Am I ever really going to be happy?’” John said. I was looking straight up at the sky, cloudless and blue, trees stretching their green limbs to touch it before the cold came. I didn’t answer his question because I didn’t know what to say
Am I ever really going to be happy? I ran his words through my head over and over as I packed boxes and prowled thrift stores in search of perfect white plates. I had been happy, and I had infinite space to be happy; I never thought that before, but I knew it now. I had tremendous capacity for joy, but it was hard to find.
I had been happy for awhile, and then it ended.
After a few glasses of wine, my fuzzy, sentimental brain would think I could just shake it off, write this off as a mistake, a stupid fight and we could fix it, but that’s not how things work. If everyone went around the world just a little bit buzzed and hopeful like that, maybe we could be really happy in the end.
But I thought about it and wrote my mental lists, checking off my pros and cons with every bead and groove of my steering wheel. I do my best thinking behind the wheel. And I realized that what I liked about you anyway was the sad, sappy hangdog look you’d get when you looked at me, and how I could feel your eyes follow me and caress me every single minute. This was what I had held onto for so long, because above all else I am vain as anything.
That’s not enough. I needed to pack my boxes and reset my rooms and let it all go with the newness of the season, start my little sage fire and breathe in its cleansing air. Maybe one day I would pass you on the street, my skin smelling of grass and warmth and all good things, skin that was always warm to the touch, sunshine dripping down my back, and you would take a minute to stop – stop right there as I walked away. And you would think, “That, that is what I had. That is the fire I had held in my hands.”
We planned a wedding for less than ,000.00. For real. But, in order to really get your money’s worth, you’ll have to let go of those fairytale horse-drawn carriage weddings, escorted by a thousand white doves and decide why you’re actually getting married in the first place (it helps with the whole ‘letting go’ theme).
My fiancé and I were both college graduates working toward paying off my loans and were also responsible for paying for our own wedding — something we hadn’t really prepared for until the day after he asked me to be his wife. We decided we weren’t going to plan our wedding based off of what we ‘should’ do, but how we actually wanted things to be on our wedding day. And five grand later, we had an incredible ‘us’ wedding and were married by the end of the day.
1. You need to realize that you CAN do whatever you want for your wedding. There is no rule book, no standard that says you must have a sit down 12 course meal to make it a wedding. This is the chance you get to really portray what you and your significant other are all about. For us, that meant mason jars, blue, brunch, coffee, and lots of untraditional things. Make a budget….a realistic one. This will affect everything.
2. Food: you CAN create an awesome reception without spending a ridiculous amount of money on food. Since we’ve always been breakfast people and many of our dates centered around Friday morning breakfasts, we figured that would suite us the best. I talked to everyone from included caterers in venues to family friends.
Finally, we heard of a caterer and set up a meeting. He explained the package, the price, and we said that was impossible based on our budget…so right then, he pulled out a paper and started figuring an entire menu based off of us buying prepared trays and dishes…let’s just say our food budget was ,000.00 and we were WAY under. All our hot food was taken care of. We were responsible for all the ‘cold’ items: yogurt, granola, mini bagels, desserts, ham etc. but we hit up Sam’s and saved a bunch. If you find a good caterer who really wants to help, they’ll give you more options that what packages they say they offer….DO NOT go for the included caterers with locations if you’re trying to save money.
3. Stationary: RSVP cards, invitations, information cards, menus, programs….everything. it can cost you SO MUCH MONEY which we didn’t have and which I didn’t want to spend on something I could figure out, so, I came across this site which solved all of my paper needs. I literally got everything from that website..for free. Go to staples, buy 60 lb cardstock, print everything at home and bring it back to staples to have it cut for 10 bucks. DONE
4. Location: I must have called 20 venues only to find that just the rental of the space was half of our entire budget. ridiculous. SO I started asking around and found 1. our ceremony site: Where my fiancé used to work and where we had premarital counseling — cost us 75 bucks for the wedding coordinator and 2. our reception site was FREE. that was incredible.
I called them and they literally said their building belonged to God so it was between us and God what we decided to donate. WINNER. So instead of renting tents and spending 00 just on shelter, we found both locations at an unbeatable price. it IS possible. Don’t pay 10 grand just for a space — there are a ton of places that would love to have you super cheap without the strings attached.
5. Things to rent: surprise! we didn’t rent ANYTHING. we got all our plates, silverware, cups (mason jars), tables, chairs, chaffing dishes, serving utensils, table cloths..etc. for free. Luckily my friend’s mom rents out all of her supplies for FREE so we didn’t have to worry about any of that budget wise. The little things I needed (extras) I hit up the thrift store for and saved a TON of money. You will have to do a lot more work coordinating when to pick things up, where they go, setting up, cleaning up etc. but, once again….it was free. We asked the church before we committed about tables and chairs and they had both: free. Most churches will have everything from tables to chairs to coffee things, super convenient. so start talking to people! they really want to help you, you just have to ask around.
6. Flowers: My sister’s boyfriend’s mother is a florist and is wonderful. She wouldn’t let us pay her, but only pay for the flowers. We had a 0.00 budget to work with and we stretched that as thin as possible as we bought flowers from Trader Joe’s and Produce Junction. She did an incredible job making the wedding come alive with flowers everywhere. Those of you girls who have been envisioning your wedding for 20+ years may have issues with doing flowers like this because flexibility is necessary. We didn’t know what flowers we were having until Friday night. We also had flowers for each girl/parents/grandparents, but we kept it pretty simple on the tables: mason jars everywhere filled with all different kinds of flowers. So if you know someone who is crafty enough to put together some flowers, trust them to do what they do and let go…they’re only flowers.
7. Photography/Videography: This is a HUGE expense for most weddings. We talked to some photographers who charge a minimum of 00….nope, not happening. So, after talking to the wonderful friend of mine, she referred Sarah Brookhart, a fellow college grad and incredible photographer. She had never done an engagement shoot or photographed a wedding, but once we looked at her blog photos she had previously taken, we were definitely willing to take the risk. She did both our engagement photos and wedding for a FRACTION of the price (because it was her first time) and she brought in an additional shooter for the wedding…if you’ve seen any of her photos so far, you can see why we went with her: amazing. SO, don’t feel like you have to go with someone who calls themselves a ‘professional.’ we got professional (if not better) photos for a super reasonable price, if you look at their previous shoots you can tell if you like their style or not. If you’re still not sure, get them for engagement photos and if you like those, book them for the wedding.
8. Dress/Alterations: I found my dress by accident at David’s bridal the first time I’d ever tried on dresses. I got it off the rack and walked out of the store with the dress that day. HOWEVER, I did not get my alterations there. Why? Because I found out about a wonderful little old woman who works out of her basement and took my dress to her — WORD OF MOUTH PEOPLE! The first time she had me try it on and literally started cutting my dress. CUTTING. I stopped breathing to make sure I wouldn’t throw her off (Thank God I had seen this done on Say Yes To The Dress or I would have really freaked out) but she hemmed the dress right there…with massive scissors. She had my dress for 3 weeks, fixed EVERYTHING and charged me a whopping 40 bucks. Incredible. Also, something I found out after I bought my dress — buying dresses off the rack (esp. at David’s Bridal) is way safer and better than ordering it because you can see everything right there and some places are notorious for getting your dress in and there being all kinds of things wrong with it.
8. Hair/Makeup: My sister is a magnificent hairdresser so she took care of that part and her friend did my makeup — didn’t charge me, but I did tip her because she did a great job ( aka threw money at her and ran out of the room since she wouldn’t take it). make sure you get both a hair and makeup trial so you don’t have to worry about looking like a clown or a hooker when you walk down the aisle. Get someone you trust to do your hair or just a friend who knows how to work a curling iron and bobby pins.
9.Decorations: this is really where the DIY comes in. everything from the escort cards (got the string and tags from Hobby Lobby and keys from etsy) to the wooden centerpieces/video booth (all made by my fiancé’s uncle) and the table runners (hobby lobby) was mainly inspired by pintrest. I came to LOVE Hobby Lobby and make weekly trips there to stock up on crafty things. They always have 40 percent off so things like the burlap for 26 tables: got it for around 25 bucks. This part takes the most time, but if you like doing crafts, it’s perfectly productive and fun I got a recipe for chalk paint, painted frames, printed out table numbers(for free online) and got our candles and lanterns for super cheap at Ikea. We also had favor bags which i just printed out little labels with our monogram on it (weddingchicks.com), printed them on address labels and put them on bag. This stuff is so easy, it just takes time and a little imagination. if you suck at DIY things, have a crafting party and get some of your friends to help.
10. Desserts: all homemade. my fiancé’s mom made ALL the coffeecakes from scratch, a bunch of friends and I made what felt like thousands of cookies, and the rest came from wonderful people wanting to help us pull our wedding off…they were great and they filled our dessert table…FILLED. We didn’t go with the typical wedding cake (we don’t really like cake anyway) and got creative with a dessert buffet which we still hear about to this day.
So, it can be done and look wonderful, you just have to 1. be organized, 2. ask people for help and 3. not give in to what people are telling you you NEED to have because honestly, at the end of the day, you’re just as married as those couples spending 30 grand on their wedding, you just walk away with everything paid for instead of a stack of bills and a melting ice sculpture.