1. Stop worrying about how other people are living vs. the way you live. Embrace the ordinary.

There’s a lot of us well into our twenties and thirties who are still living the lives we thought we’d have left behind already: working dead-end jobs, overwhelmed with student debt, living in our parents’ homes or driving cars that hardly start. The challenge of our generation is that what worked out in the past no longer works. But in a time of uncertainty, there is unlimited potential. Forget the stress of what isn’t working in your favor and figure out what is.

Who cares if that girl on Instagram has twelve thousand followers, lives in a Manhattan loft and drinks juice for every meal? She has nothing to do with your life, and you shouldn’t be getting down on yourself for not living the same lifestyle. Maybe you’re in Laramie, Wyoming or Newark, New Jersey — it doesn’t matter. Imagine yourself on a platform where thousands of people could see you. What positive aspects of your life would you show off? What would you want to represent? Embrace those things. Embrace your ordinary.

2. Allow yourself to be creative.

The first thing you should do when you wake up — before you check your phone, open your laptop or turn on the morning news — is work your expressive side. Your mind is fresh and palpable, and whatever ideas come to you will be your own, rather than the regurgitated ideas of someone else. Keep a notebook on your bedside table and utilize it.

It doesn’t matter what type of art interests you, and the subject of your work is irrelevant; doodle if you’re an illustrator, think of a few jokes if you’re a comic, write a haiku if you’re a poet. It doesn’t matter how good or bad your work is, because what you produce is not supposed to be some kind of high art for exhibition. Too often we are imprisoned by the idea that art has to exist in forms that are already glorified. This morning exercise exists to get you developing your own ideas, and, over time, will allow you to be more comfortable with the creative way your mind works.

3. Embrace what you are instead of trying to be what you are not.

My entire life, I really wanted to be funny. In grade school, I envied my classmates who met the teacher’s questions with a witty response to break the mundane silence of the lecture. In high school, I studied the movies I saw as brilliant to learn the time frame of comedic relief. After college, I tried my hand at stand up, and while there weren’t crickets in the audience, there weren’t roaring swells of laughter either. Finally, I realized I could enjoy comedy without having to partake as an entertainer. I just wasn’t built for it. I’m able to look at my skill set now and be happy with the hand I was dealt. The patience and motivation I was given in terms of communication and writing compensate for my lack of a funny bone. So if you don’t possess an eye for aesthetic and thus aren’t a natural photographer, or if you want to be a movie critic but hate independent films with inconclusive endings, that’s okay. You should never force anything. Just figure out what your strong suits are and how to apply them to what you love.

4. Support others and let go of the past.

Let’s do ourselves a favor and stop with the name calling, okay? That girl is not basic, the guy is not thirsty, your ex is not evil. We’re all just trying our best, ultimately for the sake of being loved. Remember: the attitude someone projects is just a call for some aspect of personality to be recognized. If you don’t like what someone is projecting, ignore it. The most successful people don’t talk poorly behind the backs of others; they’d rather spend time improving themselves. So while you’re working on being nice, work on weeding out the people who affect you negatively. You don’t have to remove them from your life in a harsh way, but recognize that a past relationship, whether it is a romance or a friendship, didn’t fail by chance. The past doesn’t belong in the present, and if you’re confronted, a gentle explanation of why you no longer choose to spend time with them is more respectable than lying.

5. Do something for yourself.

Sometimes life feels unbearable, like you are going to break any minute. But you don’t break. You keep fighting, even if it means fists raised in the dark. It’s human nature to keep going, to strive forward despite the heavy weight on our shoulders. But look around you now — you’re calm, centered, reading this instead of thinking about the pain. I’m here to tell you that you deserve something good for holding it together. Order dinner from your favorite restaurant for carry out. Pick up the book you’ve been wanting to read and curl up on the couch. Plan an adventure for the coming weekend. Do anything that is helpful to your mental well-being and commit to being present while doing whatever it is. It’s important to break out of your comfort zone, to feel good without feeling guilty.

6. Make a list of what qualities you want to have and what you’d like to accomplish.

We all did this as children in grade school, whether it was in the form of a t-chart or a letter to our future selves. Maybe it seemed futile then and it can seem futile now, but it does reflect our ideas of ourselves and where we’d like to go from here. You don’t have to figure out how you’re going to accomplish something, only that you will.

I’ve often asked my friends the question: “what would you do if you could do anything, money no option?” and it shocked me that most of them had no idea, until one of them turned the tables and asked me the same question. I didn’t know, either. Because it’s easy to get lost in a virtual world of far-off events and products we don’t have, it’s important to respect our own real-life interests enough to define them. When we’ve made this list, we can at least then see who we are vs. who we want to be, and work on improving areas that doesn’t match up entirely.

Bonus points for re-reading the list daily, so over time we can realize how we’ve grown and how far we’ve come. (If you’re not a “list” person but rather visually oriented, draw a picture. Cut out pictures in magazines and make a collage. Figure out a way you can physically see what you want from yourself. After you figure out what you want from yourself, demand it.)

7. Take out the trash. Do what you’re putting off.

I know, I know, there was no sign posted and that parking ticket totally wasn’t your fault. You’ve been eyeing the orange envelope on your kitchen counter for weeks, and every time you leave the grocery store you cross your fingers and hope there’s no boot on your car. Suck it up and either contest it or pay the damn thing. That extra stress weighing on you isn’t doing you any good, and it takes away from your enjoyment of the little things.

You can’t check out that good-looking specimen of a human loading groceries in the trunk if you’re straining your neck looking for cops. Take a deep breath and chill out. Take care of the things you’ve been putting off for your own mental health, and from now on, deal with them as they come to you. Clean your closet. Sell your Pokemon cards on eBay. The fewer stresses you have to deal with, the better off you are.

8. Break a bad habit.

We’ve all got our vices and it’s time to give them up. Whether it’s smoking or allowing yourself to be half of an abusive relationship, you have to stop. There’s no point in partaking in something you know is harmful to you. Consciously, you’re caught up in the habit of it, but unconsciously, you’re driving down your self worth. You deserve more. You have to value your life enough to know when to say, “No, I refuse to allow myself to be a victim of circumstance.” Stand up, because if you can’t stand up to yourself, you shouldn’t be surprised when you have a problem standing up to someone else. You are your own worst enemy and best friend. Be nicer to yourself. Start right now.

9. Get dressed. Pull yourself together. Develop a routine.

It’s easy to sleep until you absolutely have to wake up, but it’s more beneficial to develop some pride and take care of yourself. Eat a good breakfast. Allow yourself the time you need to shower and get ready. Appearances aren’t everything, but you know as well as I do that you’ll have a much better day if you’re feeling good about yourself. It’s also important to develop a routine. Even if your job doesn’t allow you the luxury of a fixed schedule, make sure you’re fitting in time for self-care every day.

It doesn’t have to be a fixed routine, but shoot for at least a half hour a day to exercise, relax, and be productive. I don’t mean be productive in the sense of doing something for your job. I mean to invest in yourself, not for financial gain but because you want to. Paint. Volunteer. Garden. Whatever it is that increases your own value in your eyes. Every day. Don’t fall asleep with the TV on or with your fingers glued to your phone; make a conscious decision to go to bed and rest. And every week, do something on a bigger scale that makes you feel good — sign up for a cooking class, go to yoga, ride that bike path close to your house. And no matter what, don’t let anyone else make you feel selfish for doing these things. You aren’t good to anyone else if you aren’t good to yourself first.

10. Feel good about where you are.

In the digital age, everyone shows off the highlights of their lives via photo albums and status updates. But because the normal moments fall far below the radar, we all feel insecure at times, wondering if we messed up or why our lives seem so mundane. When you feel down, remember to look up. Try to feel happy, and if you can’t do that, at least feel hopeful that things will turn in your favor.

Hold your head high, knowing you’ve done the best you could. We all have, so remember that too. Be confident; confidence is sexier than worry. And remember that this is only one moment in the long line of your life, and that it will pass. Things will get better. So feel the moment in full, and be conscious of your life this second because soon it will be gone. Learn to love the present moment, even if you have nothing more in the present moment than hope for the future. TC mark

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The feeling of being “inspired” is very often just finding something brilliant, and trying to emulate it. The rush and desire makes us manic and driven because we think we are actively becoming greater than ourselves. We find something we perceive as so great, we want others to perceive us – our take, our idea, our belief, our creation of it – similarly. But the foundation of that is what we are not. That’s why we have to find it, that’s why we run dry. It is not inherent or internal – at least the whirlwind, overwhelming kind of inspiration isn’t.

Acting without feeling inspired is us saying what we naturally know, feel and think, and this is vulnerability. When we believe that we must be inspired by an idea to create something of it, it is a mechanism to avoid placing ourselves bare into something that other people can judge.

The same goes for the idea of “passion.” Passion is the crazy, grandiose, brilliant idea for the epic novel, but it is not the every day work that gets it written. Ryan Holiday just wrote about this idea, in that Passion Is The Problem, Not The Solution.

Passion does not get the work done. Passion does not sustain you for more than a moment’s worth, neither does inspiration. It is not what gets your ass on the floor and your fingers on the keyboard and your mind in a space of determination. Please take my word for this.

But we’ve based most of our cultural aspirations on these ideas. That is to say, we’re supposed to choose what we feel consistently strongly about, and pursue it madly and wildly and at any cost. It’s why, I think, so many people feel lost. Because they don’t feel compelled by a single, conveniently-career-transmutable activity or idea (and most people aren’t supposed to… I have a hard time believing that “life purpose,” if it exists, is an isolated experience or job or action.)

You’ve probably heard (and read countless articles and studies) on why “following your passion” is the worst career advice you can get (“passion” is something you build; it’s what comes after you do something you enjoy repeatedly and gain skill and accolade, etc.) It’s not something that comes over you one day, at least not to any conceivable end.

But we don’t want to misstep. We want to base our decisions on something solid, on a singular purpose, on the truth gauge we’re promised we have. We are basing our life choices on feelings that other things give us, rather than the instincts we naturally have, and we’re calling that intuition.

There’s nothing wrong with the idea that you should do something each day that is fulfilling, but there is something dangerously misleading about the idea that you should feel passionately inspired each day (it insinuates there is no work, or rather, work shouldn’t feel like work.)

This makes happiness “good” and anything else “bad.” This makes the spectrum of emotions that human beings are meant to experience obsolete. This closes us off and stoppers our progress. This is how we induce our own suffering, by believing that the things that are “meant to be,” that are actions of passion and divine grandeur are going to make us feel consistently “good.”

If we were “meant” to feel good all the time, it wouldn’t be such a struggle. And we create that struggle for ourselves. Every time we look to something else to give us that high, we externalize our purpose. We step over vulnerability, we idealize a certain feeling, a certain job, a certain partner, and that’s it, it becomes the end goal, the only goal, the only way we’ll be content.

Passion is not what gets the job done. It is not what sustains a relationship or a career. Inspiration will not “find you” every single day. If you believe it’s supposed to, you’ll only be a failure in your own mind.

These things are drops, not constants. They are sparks, not flames.

You can prove this to yourself by the sheer fact that in retrospect, you probably realize you do not value the isolated moments of inspired thought as much as you do the work and love you consciously choose to put into them every single day to create something out of them. You value what you make, what you choose. Not what happens upon you. TC mark

image – girl/afraid

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Imagine going to the doctor for whatever reason. He or she diagnoses the problem and the two of you mutually agree upon a desirable option to solve the problem. Then, right when you’re about to take care of it, she says, “Oh, now you’re going to have to wait three days because the government doesn’t think you know what’s best for yourself.”

That’s what’s happening to women all across the United States thanks to 72-hour imposed waiting period on abortions.

What if you get pregnant because of a rape, molestation, or incest? If you’re in Missouri or South Dakota, you’re out of luck, you still need to take three days to think about what you did.

Half of all states have a mandatory waiting period of 24 hours, but Missouri, South Dakota and Utah took it a step further. And sorry not sorry, if your pregnancy falls on a weekend or holiday, you’ve got to wait even longer.

According to a recent study, more restrictions were passed on abortions between 2011 and 2013 than at any other period during the preceding decade. The abortion-hating choo choo train continues on election day next Tuesday, Nov. 4th.

Colorado, Tennessee, and North Dakota all have proposed amendments to their constitutions that would further restrict abortions. Colorado and North Dakota have personhood measures, which would define the fetus as a person in criminal proceedings. The Tennessee measure would allow legislatures to pass abortion legislation more easily.

The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists sharply oppose personhood measures, saying that they, “erode women’s basic rights to privacy and bodily integrity; deny women access to the full spectrum of preventive health care including contraception; and undermine the doctor-patient relationship.”

But who cares what they say, they’re just the doctors most knowledgeable about women’s health, what do they know?

Jennifer Mason of Personhood USA says that the 14th Amendment of the Constitution requires equal protection under the law for everybody, “…so we believe that every human being, regardless of their location, whether they’re in the womb or out of it, deserves those protections and those rights.”

Waiting periods aka Rape Time-Out Corners, new definitions of scientifically proven medical facts… what’s up with all this concern with women’s vaginias? Imagine the explosion that would happen if there were a 72-hour waiting period on men seeking a Viagra perscription.

I can literally think of so many other things I’d much rather the government impose a three-day waiting period on people doing. Like…

  1. Getting Big Gulps.
  2. Posting Instagram photos of whatever you’re eating.
  3. Posting Facebook pics of your baby.
  4. Status updates that include your current mood.
  5. OkCupid sending that “Quiver” email.
  6. LinkedIn letting me know that dummy asked to follow me.
  7. Websites posting those ads that start to play without my consent.
  8. Any phone call ever.
  9. Inviting people to Facebook events.
  10. Inviting people to “Like” your Facebook page.
  11. My mother asking if I have a boyfriend.
  12. My compulsive obsession with bread.
  13. Debt collectors calling.
  14. Turning in my timesheet.
  15. Basically turning in anything ever.
  16. Between dates (I’m getting older and tired).
  17. Google’s launch of Google Plus.

Point being, conservatives talk a lot about getting the government out of our lives, even though they consistently have their faces down the pants of every woman in the United States. There’s a reason Roe v. Wade was passed, and it was because the United States recognizes the right of women to make their own medical decisions. Imposing waiting periods and redefining scientific facts are just swarmy ways of getting around a constitutionally proven issue: that women have a right to an abortion. TC mark

featured image – Shutterstock

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Ghost World
Ghost World

1. We’re always messing with you

Don’t take it too seriously. We’re playful, like cats with laser pointers. You’re the cat and we’re the laser pointer. Or something, I don’t know. Just take the joke and throw it back, okay?

2. Mean comments are displays of affection

There’s nothing more intimate or affectionate than me calling you an asshole and kissing you afterwards, trust.

3. We remember everything

That time you tripped outside the movie theatre, that embarrassing picture of you dressed as a LAX bro on Halloween freshman year. We like to keep our joke bank fresssssh, so don’t think that anything goes unnoticed or is off limits.

4. You can make fun of us too

We can honestly take a joke, even about our appearance. It’s fun when you bite back.

5. We come off cocky, but it’s a front

We’ll say inflated things about our appearance, like “I’m just so gorgeous” or “damn I look good” when we’re at our worst. We’re not infallible and we don’t spend hours on our faces. We don’t actually think we’re the shit…well, okay, we kind of are, but we will not say it like that.

6. If you don’t know if we’re joking, safe to assume we’re joking

The default mode of your phone is silent, and the default mode of my mouth is sarcastic.

7. We ARE laughing at you. But that’s because we like you

I wouldn’t laugh at you if I didn’t think you could laugh at me too. Your misery might make me smile, but only because I want to be the one to help you up and hug you after you fall down.

8. We have soft, gooey centers under the hard exteriors

We’re like rude Entenmann’s cookies. We’re only this sarcastic because we have mad layers of depth and feelings. For every mean thing we joke about, we have five more nice things to say about you.

9. If I’m ignoring you in a big group, it means I like you, yes you, the one I’m not talking to

Don’t get used to the loads of attention we pay you when we’re alone. We’re not really about PDA or making you feel like royalty when there are a bunch of people around. We’ll never be the ball and chain, and the more we ignore you, the more we can make eyes at you and mouth “I hate you,” which is basically a sign of head-over-heels, stupid crazy affection.

10. I hate you = I love you

Always. Always. Always.

11. Learn to take a little hit

We’ll shove you, playfully slap you for a good joke, and obviously hit you with a verbal shot to your glass jaw. The better you take it, the more we love you.

12. We will say something really mean and immediately wish we didn’t say it

It’s almost like sarcasm is this involuntary reaction and we. can’t. stop. being. sarcastic.

13. We will occasionally say something incredibly sincere, but you won’t notice because you’ll think we’re being sarcastic

..And then we feel pretty foolish for putting ourselves out there.

14. There’s nothing in my eye

I am actually having an emotional reaction to something. I’m not sure what this salty watery substance is coming out of my eyeballs right now but it happens sometimes when I get upset. You don’t need to stare at me like I’m on fire. I have feelings!

15. I actually have a lot of feelings

I’m not an emotionless robot, I’m just a sardonic lady. I like to joke and mess around, but that doesn’t mean I’m a stoic rock.

16. I know it may not seem like it, but I’m not trying to play it cool

We are so sensitive, if that wasn’t obvious by now. Too sensitive. Could be why we are so sarcastic, but whatever, that’s dumb, we cool, we cool.

17. We’re bad with making moves

We truly, honestly do not know how to give you the signal that we like you or that we care about you. We are hoping you will see through our sarcasm and see we’re basically dying for you to notice us.

18. Being sincere doesn’t come easy

So when we get serious, you need to pay attention. (Or like cherish it or whatever).

19. In the truest reality, you’re dating a sensitive, affectionate, loving lady

Sarcastic girls are really the sweetest girls. Just shut up about it, okay? TC mark

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Sometimes my boyfriend begs me to give him head. “Your blowjobs are completely epic,” he tells me, and I believe him. I love going down on him and watching how he loses himself, and I love knowing I can do this thing to him that drives him completely wild, every time, without fail. But what he doesn’t want to know is that I’ve gone down on a lot of guys in my life. Not quite porn-level oral, but I’m 26 and I’ve had several boyfriends so you do the math. I’ve always heard guys talking about “deep throating” but I never know what it was or how to do it. Some guys insist and hold your head down or force you, which isn’t really that comfortable, or they’ll ask you politely to deep throat them and you sort of try but aren’t sure if you’re doing it right? Now I think I’m pretty OK but I don’t know how I got here, so I went to these two Reddit threads to see what tips people have on deep throating. Maybe some of these will work for you?

1. The Kneeling Method

I like kneeling over him (a lot of people don’t, but I find it helps with his curve) while he plays with my hair, grabs my boobs or whatever. Then, go as far down as you can without gagging (even if it’s just the tiniest bit), and just stop there. Swallow a bit, breathe and just get used to the sensation. When you feel comfortable and your throat is relaxed, try a little further. Don’t push too quickly, just breathe in and ease down. Try moving your head to find the angle of least resistance to the bottom of your throat, as that will likely trigger your gag reflex. I find that pushing the head of the penis against the back of your throat whilst breathing in had the most success. Just keep doing this every couple of times you guys have sex, and slowly you should get used to it.

2. Breathing Is Key

a little add on to this, when you actually get yourself to the point where you are able to deep throat, take a deep breath BEFORE you go all the way down. with him in your throat you will have a very difficult time breathing, even through your nose. it can also make you gag a little if you try to breath with him all the way in you. most importantly, PRACTICE!!! you will both love it!!!

3. This Guy Is Eager To Give Advice

Penis shape makes a huge difference. If you try to deep throat against the curve, failure is inevitable. Try every position you can think of. In my case, with a straight and thick at the tip penis, the easiest for most girls is he classic ‘road head’ position, in which I sit on a couch facing forward, and she curls up beside me on m right, on her right side, and then sucks. Picture the position you would use in a parked car.

4. LOL

move to england.

5. Road Head Makes For Easy Deep Throating???

If you’re going to do it I suggest and emptyish road without a lot of other cars around, no point endangering other people any more than you have to. Make sure the asphalt is smooth, you don’t want a bumpy road for obvious reasons. The best place is probably a controlled access highway (like an interstate) without much traffic. You don’t have head-on traffic to contend with and they are typically smooth without sharp curves. Set the cruise control so he is less likely to accelerate unintentionally when it starts feeling really good. Oh, and don’t forget to video tape and share the results with us. :D

6. Growing Not Showing

It is way easier for me to do it when he’s soft or just a little hard and he gets bigger. The feeling is pretty weird, but it works much better to start from 20% and have him go to 100% in my mouth, than to try and go from nothing in my mouth to all of it at once.

7. Work Those Knees

I completely agree with the position thing. I’ve found being on my knees in front of a man is best for me. Try different positions until you find what’s best.

8. Out-Willing Your Gag Reflex

I usually have him lay down in the bed and I get on my hands and knees between his llegs. This works really well for me. I haven’t ever really had too much of a.problem deepthroating but some of the tips here.really make sense. Breathe before you go down as they said. I have found that if I need to, I can just open my mouth a little wider and breathe that way. If you aren’t good at it yet I wouldn’t suggest this until you are a.little.more comfortable. I also conveniently had boyfriends whwho started small and the one I have now is the biggest I have been with. It just worked out consecutively luckily. For this reason the advice to go down as far as you can before gagging makes sense. Just kinda sit there for a minute and then work your way down. It will take time but eventially you will out-will your gag reflex.


Ah. This may sound strange, but is she sucking very hard? I found that when I felt nervous or like I wasn’t doing a good job, I would start to suck quite hard and that would make my jaw and my lips ache very quickly. If she tries to remember to relax her jaw and just move up and down and let her tongue do the work she may not tire out as quickly.


There are a few positions where it’s supposedly a little easier to do, basically if the head is back so the throat and mouth are in line. Probably the easiest one for doing this is lying on your back with your head a little off the edge of the bed and him standing on the floor. You also need to relax, if your throat tightens up no amount of forcing will get it in, also probably easier if you do the position I suggested above if you grab his ass and pull him into you rather than have him push, that way you can control the depth a bit better.

11. [deleted]

ahh yeah i finally taught myself how to do this with my curent bf. first thing, lots of saliva. i like first putting the head just to the back of my throat. as youre moving up and down his rod, try to push the tip barely into your throat and swallow a few times to help work it in. i usually go a half dozen times balls deep and hold there to get used to it. a lot of times he will flex his dick in my throat. feels amazing. i like burying his cock down my throat just as he cums. once he starts shooting down my throat, i swallow several times while his cock is in my throat. he says its the most amazing feeling and almost feels like im pulling the cum out of his balls when i swallow down on his cock. this is taken a better part of a year but ive been able to practice almost daily :)

12. It’s All In Your Head (lol)

Thank you! Maybe the secod time I blew him, he pushed my head down and I gagged and had to stop for a bit because I wasn’t expecting it. I haven’t been able to go down as far since then, but hearing multiple times that it’s mental and can be worked up to again gives me a lot of encouragement :)

13. Guys, Don’t Flex

Tip for the reciever: resist the urge to flex when she does it, the more pliable you are, the easier it will be on her.

14. Deep Throating Is Not A Sustained Thing

Well, in my experience, you deep throat it, back off, repeat. Deep throating, at least from my observation of the guy’s reactions, should be mixed in with the whole blow job experience. You should probably deep throat, back off, breathe through your nose or mouth a little, then go back for more. When his cock is down your throat, your airways are most likely both blocked, thus preventing air even from your nose from getting in.

15. When In Doubt, Give Him A Titty Fuck

Also, while giving a blowjob with deep throating I like being on my knees while he’s sitting. If you need to breath or need a break and want to add something to it, give him a titty fuck. This really helps me since my jaw tends to get soar and he really likes it. Then go back down when you’re ready. :)

16. No Forcing!

For me, the most important thing is pacing. If I’m controlling the pacing and know when I can expect his dick to be where, I can (and do) deepthroat. If I’m allowing him to control the tempo, however, I will gag almost every time. This is usually made worse by things such as having my head pushed down by his hand or him changing the angle of his hips to make thrusting easier– both of which are unfortunately common behaviors in facefucking.
Basically, my advice is this: make sure your guy understands that he needs to sit back and let himself get deepthroated, not try to make it happen himself.

17. :)

Thank you for making the world better for many people!

It’s all in a day’s work. TC mark

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Annais Ferreira
Annais Ferreira

I am terrified of you.

I’m always afraid now, afraid that I’ll turn a corner and you’ll be there. Walking where I walk, browsing grocery shelves, at the gas pump next to mine. I will walk right into your silhouette. I live in terror, knowing that you’re coming back, that you’ll begin to haunt the places I go.

And so I have to change my clothes, dye my hair, tattoo my skin, be a different girl — change so you don’t recognize me and I forget all about it. Selective amnesia, maybe. I am terrified that you’ll be standing somewhere and I’ll stop and we’ll lock eyes and our Midwestern upbringing, always so polite, will force us to speak.

I will just have to smile and walk by as if nothing had happened at all, make you the perfect stranger. Never ever bash you over the head the way I want to, scream at you, stab little spiky words into your skin to hurt you and make you feel like your suit is made of glass shards. That’s what I want to do.

I used to be afraid of snakes. I remember a summer on the farm, when I was very small, that garter snakes ran rampant across our yard. They coiled in slithering, dark clumps in the grass under the clothesline and I’d watch them, horrified and frozen near the screen door, as they took refuge under our deck. My mother didn’t let us out to play on the days the snakes were thick; she chopped them up under the blades of our big lawnmower.

I was afraid of snakes for years after that. Over time, the population lessened, or they got smarter and didn’t sneak around our yard. But I’d see them while driving, or going for one of my long, rambling solo walks on the gravel roads. And I’d scream for the dog and stand petrified. Sometimes I’d pull over and vomit. My fear was so fast and so intense that my guts just flew right up and out my mouth.

Lots of things scare me. Big things, little things, silly things.

I was afraid you were going to find out what I did to you, but you never did.

The funny thing is, snakes don’t scare me anymore. I just throw a rock at them and they slither away to hide. Plus, when you live in the city, there are no snakes.

And the funniest thing is that I know you’re terrified of me. Even though you won and you’re probably so coated in the glow of your newfound love that you don’t give a shit that I’m still so angry. I don’t want to burn bridges — I want to fucking torch them. Sometimes I think I like the hatred more than I ever liked the being in love part, but then I tell myself not to be crazy and fold that thought away.

I hope you’re scared of me. You should be. You should let me haunt all your dreams and be spooked by my ghost. When you’re inside her, you should think of me and remember how my blood boiled under your hands. And remember that it still boils, even now. TC mark

featured image – Annais Ferreira

Thought Catalog

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