1. Hannah goes to Iowa Writers’ Workshop and gains the freshman (graduate student) 25.

2. Turns out Adam has a thing for overweight girls — they’re back together, doing long distance.

3. Marnie learns how to masturbate — for her first time, she needs to do it alongside a Youtube tutorial — and stops home-wrecking her best friends’ love lives.

4. Shoshanna falls into a deep depression after finding out about Marnie and Ray.

5. Marnie finds solace in PR and vows to never forgive herself for not discovering her love for PR sooner.

6. Shosh starts screwing the homeless man who lives on her block and becomes addicted to bath salts.

7. Jessa figures Shosh just really likes The Body Shop, and so it takes her an exceedingly long time to finally recognize that Shosh might have a problem — and a drug one at that. How was I supposed to know? she whines to Hannah, Her demeanor hardly even changes when she’s on bath salts!

8. Jessa makes a new friend, Branch, who she meets during the HPV Pogo Walk, a newly-founded event that’s sort of like the annual AIDS Walk except, instead of walking, they jump on Pogo Sticks and, instead of AIDS, the money goes to HPV research.

9. Branch convinces Jessa to go on a trip with her to Malaysia where they encounter some bad luck and end up in child slavery.

10. With Jessa now out of the house, Shosh has more time to herself. One bath-salt-fueled night she writes a poem in epic form — 75 stanzas in total — submits the poem, and becomes a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize in Poetry.

11. For the first time ever, Hannah is jealous of Shoshanna.

12. Meanwhile, Adam continues to lose his grip on reality. Ever since Hannah went off to Iowa and his Broadway show came to a close, he began to fall deeper and deeper into his feedism fetish. Recently, he’s been forcing Hannah to feed him full cakes as she sucks his dick.

13. With Adam’s weird fetish and Shoshanna’s success, Hannah becomes very insecure — like nothing we’ve ever seen before. She learns about this new exercise class in Manhattan called “Model Fit” and comes home every weekend just to take this class as many times as possible. She begins to starve herself and develops a habit of eating only Q-tips. Model Fit eats away at her wallet, and, eventually, with no money left for school, she’s forced to drop out and come home.

14. By mid-season — once Hannah is fully dropped out and back home — Adam looks atrocious. He spends his days teaching a free Interpretive Theater “class” in Washington Square Park of which only the homeless attend.

15. One day, while Adam is teaching his “class,” he sees his sister Caroline and Hannah’s neighbor Laird pass by in a horse-drawn carriage, laughing haughtily and taking pretentious puffs from their quellazaires. You see, the two discovered a particular strand of bacteria (in their sink, no less) that doubles as an intense and unparalleled aphrodisiac. With such high demand, the drug was finally sold in a billion deal, and Caroline and Laird now live comfortably and ostentatiously in a penthouse on 79th street and Park Avenue.

…but, idk. These are just theories… TC mark

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LIFE IS GOOD | love the life you live, live the life you love
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1. You know the entire life story of St. Ignatius of Loyola. You know this man. His teachings have truly been the background of your entire education. You know his prayer for generosity backwards and forwards. The Spiritual Exercises are nothing new to you, and you’ve taken part in an Examen or two.

2. You know what S.J. and AMDG stand for. You know that if someone’s name has an S.J. after it chances are they’re important, and you should probably behave in their presence. Also, AMDG has probably been engraved on a building on your campus along with all the other meaningful quotes that are ever so strategically placed.

3. You’ve been on a service trip or two, and loved them all. It’s true. You’ve put out a nice chunk your own (your parents) money to get on a plane, to go help someone else, and it was everything you’ve ever wanted. After your first service trip, you realized how fortunate you are, and that you have endless opportunities that aren’t given to everyone. You now understand why you were required to do service, and it has most likely become a part of your life.

4. Latin and Greek were once offered to you as class choices. Let’s face it, the Jesuits really enjoy the classics. Greek and Latin were a part of your education, and you just learned to accept it through all the pain and tears.

5. You can still pray in Latin. “In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritūs Sancti.”  You know more, but who wants to brag….

6. In your eyes, anything less than 2 weeks is not a sufficient Christmas/Easter break. As expensive as your Jesuit education was, you really never spent that much time there. Along with Latin, the Jesuits enjoy some time off in excess amounts. But let’s be honest, you didn’t complain.

7. You have a favorite priest who has taught you some of life’s most important lessons. This man is the absolute shit. You go to him when you know no one else will understand/listen/care. He always knows what to say, and you know he genuinely cares about you to this day. He is like your own personal Aristotle.

8. You’re actually slightly confused/offended when people don’t know anything about the Jesuits. “What? I don’t understand.” *** In Talk Dirty- Jason Derulo Asian’s woman voice *** How could someone not know about something that has been such a big part of your life? This is a problem in your eyes. To fix this issue, you do as the Jesuits would ask of you and “go forth and set the world on fire” every day. You truly think it is important that everyone knows about the Jesuit mission.

9. You’ve been on a countless number of retreats. The Jesuits also seem to love retreats. There’s literally one for everything. The important ones probably made you cry and think that you “found yourself”. (They’re also more days not spent in class, but again, you didn’t mind).

10. You know what it means to be a good human being. Your parents literally spent tens of thousands of dollars so that you had the best education possible, but it means more to you than that. Yeah you’re pretty smart, but you also know what it feels like to do something for someone else, and you know importance behind it. You know what it means to live to serve others before yourself, and you have the Jesuits to thank for it. TC mark

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Love has always been something difficult for me to express, and discuss. To me, love was something that almost didn’t even exist at first. Everyone that I thought loved me, in terms of relationships, always left or just ended communication. Love had became something that was just a word with little or no emotion behind it. For several years I decided it was easier to not even tell people I love them because that meant giving them a piece of me they could break. Since high school there have been very few people that I have allowed to become the exception to this rule.

When I started college and moved away, I realized that I was missing out on something I so desperately wanted to know about. Love. So, I started trying to figure out what this mysterious word meant that had somehow created a void in my heart. I searched, and searched, and then I met him. I think I knew the moment that he hit me with a rubber band that I would give him a piece of me I would never get back. I would give him a piece of my heart, a piece of who I was. Within 3 months I finally told him I loved him.

After saying I loved him, things were amazing. For awhile. Then, my Grand Mother passed away, and I lost all sense of self. I was in a very dark pit that I felt as though I couldn’t leave. Shortly after, I ruined everything, made us miserable, and soon, we called it quits.

So there I was, back to not telling people I love them, and lonely. I met a guy and talked to him for awhile. Even though he said he really cared about me and wanted a future, he was also telling that to another girl (he chose her).

It was at that point that I realized I needed to work on me, I needed to figure out what makes me happy, and how to achieve happiness on my own. So, I took some time to figure out myself, to realize that I could be happy single and on my own. Once I realized what made me happy, I realized what was missing…you. We started talking again, and eventually you took me back. Things were amazing, I was happy, and I was in love. Everything was great, up until I realized where things were going, we were headed for promises and commitments. And I panicked, and I let you go, because to me, that was easier than letting you have all of me, and all the power to destroy me emotionally.

After you, I chose to date a guy who at the time I thought, “Oh, maybe he’s the one.” Things were great, until my life started changing, graduation, moving home, and getting a job all were rapidly approaching my present. And while my life was changing for the better, his was going downhill. Apparently I was supposed to sit patiently waiting on him to decide to get life back together, and then the arguing started, then the deception, and the going through my phone, and hacking my social media started. So I took entirely too long, but I ended things.

Now, I am back to working on what makes me happy and I realized that I need to learn to like people first, and like all the things about them, and then if I find something that I do not like, I hope that I can learn to still like them and not like everything about them. By learning to like them you are able to learn to love them. I have started learning to like myself and realize what I want with my future. So, if it takes me 3 months, 6 months, a year, or three years, I will work each day to show You that I am trying, I am changing, I want You. Each day I am finding something new that I like about you, and something new that I like about me. So until we are there, I like you is better than saying I love you, because I am learning to like every part of you, and give you every part of me. TC mark

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it's where my demons hide | via Tumblr
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Do you ever get to the point in a relationship where you feel like you’re both just taking care of yourselves all the time? You’re seeking advice and happiness from others and he’s seeking it in running his errands?

There’s space, and there’s distance. Make sure you know where that line and turning point is. Space is healthy and beneficial to a relationship. Do you; don’t lose your individuality — but don’t forget you’re not just an individual anymore. You’re part of a couple. You get the best of both worlds if you’re in a healthy, mature relationship.

However, space is no excuse for not caring about the maintenance of your partner.

Now, there’s a negative connotation with being “high maintenance” and honestly, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. It just takes an extraordinary person to maintain them. So it’s not bad, just different. And for those that don’t fall under that label, it doesn’t mean that they don’t need maintenance at all.

Maintenance, to my understanding, is when a partner is selflessly caring for their significant other (and vice versa) — remembering what they need, what makes them happy…and DOING it. The only difference is the degree of maintenance a person needs. It doesn’t mean you have to be doing something big every day or even every month. It’s all about keeping the romance alive, not just in the areas of skin-ship and intimacy. They can take the form of little surprises, and as cliché as this phrase is, it is truly all about “the little things”.

Be creative. Keep things fresh. There are a billion and one things out there to do, to learn to do. There are no excuses to be bored in your relationship or to fall under a monotonous routine, other than laziness and a closed minded mentality!

Maintenance doesn’t require an incredible amount of effort — a post-it note, a random text that reminds them you’re there for them, getting them a little bouncy ball from a 50 cent machine, a backrub, a random hug, a picture of a cute puppy they want in the future, even a personal Snapchat — those are things that show your partner you’re thinking about them, even when you’re off doing your own thing. All basically priceless and it shows you care.

It’s only when we feel like we’re lacking in something that we become overly high maintenance and needy. If you take the time to maintain the relationship as it goes along, it’ll be smoother and less stressful. You’ll both be happier because you have an understanding of what you both want and need, and are willing to do that for each other. If you don’t maintain it as the relationship goes, you’ll end up trying to fix it or scrambling to do those things when it’s already hit rock bottom. By then, it could be too late. And usually, the fixes are temporary until the next blow up. If you do it along the way, it becomes a wonderful habit.

Listen to your partner. Understand their needs. Be willing to mutually respect them, and try your best to fulfill their needs in your own, unique way. And remember, even if you’re not high maintenance, you deserve and need maintenance just like everybody else does. TC mark

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Brain wash
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Ralph is not your typical run of the mill granddad. This man is over six feet tall with hands the size of my face. He’s weathered from the long days spent on the farm and has a “this is how it is” kind of attitude. He wears overalls seven days a week and is usually sporting a trucker hat from either a feed store or some other bizarre place he’s been. He doesn’t blame anyone for anything and takes things at face value. He is just as strict and coarse as he is forgiving and gentle. Ralph is the kind of man who, when he towers over you and tells you to do something, you ask if there is anything else you can do. Don’t disagree with Ralph; that was the unspoken rule.

Now on a farm in Oklahoma you can pretty much do whatever you damn well please. I started riding horses as a child and found that the farm was a place of safe haven for me. I could go to granddads for the weekend pretend to be Wyatt Earp and ride across the plains searching for outlaws. I continued going to the farm to ride horses, dehorn and castrate bulls, brand cattle and play cowboy. As time progresses little boys grow to be teenagers and so on. Soon I was taught how to drive the old farm truck. Now this is just a small two door, standard transmission Toyota pick up that’s already beat to hell. But to me, this was a brand new cherry red Ferrari. I drove that thing like a mad man. I would tear across the fields, rip through any water I could find, and “herd the cattle”. Well it wasn’t too long before I found out that an old 90 something Toyota is no Ferrari.

I was screaming across the field one day and decided to try my hand at a few drifts. Now with Oklahoma being the way it is dry and dusty, drifting was very feasible. The first couple attempts weren’t too bad — I would gun it and then slam on the brakes and turn to the right. Yea I slid a little…but I think I need just a little more speed. Yea that will do it. OK. Here we go… Slam it in to first peddle to the metal. There we go 3000 rpm’s time for second gear. Done. Now were gaining some speed ok shift to third… Keep on pushing, fourth gear there it is.

Now I’m flying down the old gravel road way faster than any 14 year old who can barely see over the steering wheel should be. I crank the wheel to the right and pop it into neutral then slam on the brakes. Ohhhh yea were sliding baby! Wait a minute uh ohh, ohhh no this isn’t good. The world starts to go vertical on me. Next thing I know the truck has flipped onto the drivers side. I’m trapped inside the cab. My door is flush with the ground. The windshield is cracked from one side to the other. The passenger door is jammed and I can’t get out.

Now keep in mind this is a farm truck. So as I look around I notice that the old coffee can that was in the passenger seat is now no longer filled with the nails it once held. There are nails everywhere! And I’m not talking your little house hold nails that you use to hang that “artsy” photo you picked up at hobby lobby. I’m talking big ass farm nails. Nails used to hold fences together. Nails you drive through steel when your fixing the feed trough. I was scared out of my wits! So finally I am able to squeeze through the window out the back of the cab into the truck bed and out onto the dirt. Keep in mind I am fourteen years old wearing black jeans, a black long-sleeve shirt with pearl snaps and of course my cowboy boots. Now as a fourteen year old I have seen my fair share of car chases in the movies. When a car flips over it explodes. That’s just the way it is. So as far as I’m concerned at the given moment I have just barely escaped with my life!

I’m about a half a mile away from the house, so I’m not worried that Ralph saw. But I’ll tell you what. That was THE longest walk of my life. So the whole way back I’m thinking to myself what am I going to say? What will he do? Maybe he will castrate me like we do the bulls. Oh god this is going to be terrible. “God if you let me live through this I will never ever…”followed by tons of empty promises. So after my own Green Mile Walk I am nearing the house. Oh god he’s already outside. Why, why does he have to be outside!? So I get closer he’s leaning on the fence chatting with one of his buddies about who knows what probably where to move the cattle or what truck he’s gotta fix next. Who knows. So I muster up the courage, walk right up to him, and blurt out “I flipped the truck in the pasture.” He looks at me…Looks out to the pasture… Looks back down on me and says “Well we better get the tractor and flip her back over.” I can’t believe my ears. What has just happened there is no way there are no repercussions from this. I don’t have to go find my own switch for you to spank me with? My mother has told me stories. This can’t be happening. So we saunter over to shed, find ourselves a heavy duty chain, fire up the tractor and head out to the pasture. Me perched on the over sized wheel well of the tractor dreading what’s to come, him driving down the gravel road as comfortable as if he were in a rocking chair on a Sunday morning.

Ralph hooks up the chain to the truck then the other end to the front loader on the tractor. He flips it back over then turns to me, “Welp, get in there and start her back up.” I look at him like he is crazy. “Are you kidding me?! That truck is going to explode.” He was adamant that I must get in the cab and start it. However I think he quickly realized that I to was adamant about not getting anywhere near that truck. I was terrified. He understood. He strolled over to the truck, tried starting it a few times, then showed me the battery cable was disconnected. We reconnected it. He tried again. Nope the engine was flooded (or something to that effect) we waited. Finally the truck started again. He was patient as he told me I would need to drive the truck back to the house. After some careful thought and seeing him (as far as I was concerned) risk his own life starting the engine. I decided I would most likely survive a short drive to the house. We got back to the house. Not much was said about me flipping the truck. We had a few laughs about it but nothing more. He knew it was just a farm truck and I think he was happier that nothing had happened to me.

I’ve thought about this experience quite a few times over my life. There are a few lessons I pull from it. Using compassion allows for healing where as reprimanding tends to cause people to shut down. Had my granddad not had any compassion I quite possibly could have never gone back to the farm on my own. I would have been scared to death of him. However he took pity on me, realized I was a young boy and that I didn’t know any better. He didn’t chastise me for the mistake and then send me inside. He helped me work through it. He taught me that even if you make a mess you still need to clean it up. He welcomed me back with open arms and then showed me how to take care of the problem. Sure I was a little terrified of going fast in the fields after that but with good reason. Ralph taught me too have compassion for others. To listen and help solve the problem instead of telling others what they have done wrong. He showed me how to immediately forgive someone and how to find a solution. Had my grand dad Ralph not helped me that day. I would not have this story to tell. I would not have this fond memory of him. Now as I look back, I am able to recall a time when my granddad loved me and taught me to be a man. TC mark

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Sad but true :/
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