The other night I decided to give Tinder a shot. Not sure if it was because of the New Girl episode where they used a similar app or because of my complete loneliness. Could be either one. After falling into a Tinder black hole I emerged a different man with new found knowledge.
1. Age is more than a number
I hate to say it, but Pretty Ricky was wrong. Upon signing up Tinder assumed that the age group that I was looking for was 18-34. Seemed reasonable enough. That was until I started making my way through and saw some of these supposed matches. I pulled out my calculator and realized these girls could still be in high school. Do I really want to talk to someone who knows Will Smith only as Jaden’s dad? I mean they were born after Fresh Prince was off the air! Soon there after I also realized I had a problem looking at women in their 30s. That was more a case of me worrying about my own mortality while looking at them.
2. There is such a thing as too hot
I’m realistic, I think I’m a good looking enough guy. I’m no Idris Elba, but I’m solid enough. That being the case I ended up passing on some of the hottest girls I saw on Tinder. You’re probably asking why I’d do that. Isn’t it worth the shot? No, I’ve got too much respect for the process. This isn’t the movies.
3. I’ve got fast fingers
Browsing through a group of beautiful woman should be a nice, slow process where you take the time to fully evaluate. Each girl should get a few minutes to study just so nothing can be missed. Unfortunately for me it seems I have a quick trigger finger. I’m ripping through these girls like I got somewhere to be. The result has been me instantly realizing I accidentally swiped left on some real winners. These ladies could’ve been my future ex-wives and now we’ll never know.
4. Being a cat lady is cool?
We’ve always been told that being a single lady and having a cat was something bad. According to Tinder though cat ladies are making a comeback. I lost count of how many attractive girls either had pictures with their cats or mentioned their cats in their profile. I’m thinking not having a cat might be the weird old lady thing.
5. Not easier than in person
On paper it should be a lot easier to start talking to a girl online. You don’t have to worry about face to face rejection and there are no witnesses to the possible humiliation. Yet after typing and then erasing at least ten opening lines to my first match I realized this was just as stressful. People always say what is the worse that could happen. Complete rejection that makes you question everything about yourself is pretty bad. P.S. I’m open to some good opening line suggestions.
6. Feels like a buffet
Just like a real buffet I get full just looking at all the possibilities. I mean I have my favorites, but do I want to go with a meal that I can get anytime or do I be adventurous and go with something I’ve never tried before. It’s overwhelming.
7. Instagram promotion
Girls really like promoting their Instagram on there. I’m not a fan of that, almost guarantees a left swipe. It’s like if I put a link to my articles on there. Hmm…I may be on to something.
8. I’m an easy catfish target
I’ve already started researching how to get ahold of Nev and Max just in case. I’m smart enough where I should know if something is up, but I also know myself well enough that the minute I get matched up with a perfect ten that I’d volunteer my routing information.
9. I like Ashton Kutcher?
By far the number one shared interest I had with girls was Ashton Kutcher. That is alarming to me for multiple reasons. The biggest is that I don’t remember being a Kutcher supporter. I mean don’t get me wrong I enjoyed Kelso as much as the next guy, but not enough to give Kutcher the Facebook seal of approval. I want an investigation launched.
10. Guys in girl’s pictures
Why? Sending a very conflicting message there. Is that your boyfriend? Brother? Both? I don’t know and that’s a problem. The one time I didn’t have a problem with this is when a girl had a pic with her and Ty Burrell together. That got a right swipe.
11. Being not DTF is a big thing
It’s easy to understand why a girl would want to advertise that they aren’t just DTF, but this brings up a bigger issue. Are you only not DTF right now or is that ever? Because that could be a problem for me. I don’t need to get lucky tomorrow or anything, but I probably would like to sometime during the rest of my life.
12. Tinder profile used to get modeling gigs
Sure seems like some people are taking these pictures specifically for the purpose of getting modeling or acting jobs. These aren’t just senior picture quality. They are paid thousands of dollars type quality.
13. Sister or Mom’s name is a no-no for me
If you have the same name as one of my sisters or my mom then it doesn’t matter if you’re Kate Upton hot I’m out. I just can’t do it.
14. I’m judgmental of stuff I like
Having things in common can a lot of times be the basis of a beautiful relationship. Its great to have shared interests. Even with that being the case I found myself judging girls for liking the same things as me. I started wondering if I really wanted to be with a girl that is a fan of DJ Pauly D.
15. A lot of people with no profile
If you couldn’t take a few minutes to come up with a witty line or two about yourself then I’m automatically going to assume you’re fake.
16. Many people don’t get the point
Found many people who seemed to think this was letsbefriends.com. If you’re just looking for new friends go try a bowling alley or arcade.
17. One line can make the difference between a swipe left or right
There were definitely a few lines that jumped out to me in a good or bad way. Examples:
“Going to school to be a nurse, specializing in premature born babies.”
I like nurses. Nurses are cool. Did we need to know about the premature babies? That’s just a downer.
“Bears. Beats. Battlestar Galactica.”
Boom that gets a like no matter what. Could be Roseanne for all I care.
“Not a stage five clinger.”
The fact that you said it makes me think you are.
18. A lot of photos with multiple people
This is just confusing and purposely misleading. You can edit your photos to prominently feature yourself. Having to use my detective skills to try and tell which girl in the pictures is the profile I’m looking at isn’t what I’m trying to do with my night.
19. I’m a like whore
I found myself handing out likes like Oprah hands out cars. It really started to get out of hand. Not sure if this is a sign that I’m so desperate that I’ll take anyone or that I’m really just a nice guy that wants to make ladies feel good about themselves. Yeah it’s probably the desperation thing.
20. I think my app is broken
I’ve only gotten one match and she had no profile. I need to look up the tech support number.