Drake loves you and misses you. How have you been? Have you thought of him lately? He released these three songs and hopes you’re doing well. He thinks maybe you could get coffee sometime, catch up? No pressure. You can listen to the new songs below, or whatever, don’t if you’re busy. Oh, you’re with him? Word. Drake just wishes you all the best.
Every gay in America died when Connor Walsh, played by NYU grad Jack Oh God PLEASE Do That Thing That Will Make My Eyes Tear Falahee explained his “HUMPR” (lol) screen name “8 Is Great” to a straight dude on this week’s episode of How To Get Away With Murder. “8 Is Great? Is that your screen name? What does it mean?,” a puzzled Asher asks. “I can show you,” Connor says. Bloop!
LITERALLY GAGGING. I squealed loud enough for my whole house to hear. For those of you who don’t know, an eight-inch dick is the magical dick size in the gay male phallo-scrotal-centered industrial complex. All gay men on social media claim to have one, and it’s worth even more if it has a “mushroom head!” So this was basically a sexual innuendo to end all sexual innuendos.
And it was brought to you by Disney!
How To Get Away With Murder, created and produced by openly gay TV writer Peter Nowalk, is a great show. It’s exciting, there’s drama. It’s the type of series that gets you addicted and pulls you in because you really react to it when it’s on. I love shows that give me a visceral reaction — shows that make me either jump up and down or scream at my tv set like a lunatic. Scandal got so popular by tapping into viewer’s emotions, doing things you didn’t think network television could do — even at 10 p.m.
There’s been more and more gay with every episode of Murder, and every single time I see a gay sex montage or someone talking about big cocks or “typing faster so you can get your reward” (!) I’m left gasping for air – I mean really I’m just hot and bothered but also gasping for air — and wondering how such racy television could be broadcast throughout all of America on network tv.
I grew up seeing gay people on TV, from Antoine Merriweather and Blaine Edwards on In Living Color to Carson Kressley and those asexual dudes from Modern Family. But they were always people you laughed at, not with. The problem I have with non-cable depictions of gay people is that they are either fabulous accessories — caricatures — designed to make you look better, or they are neutered, like Ken dolls with no genitals. It’s pretty catholic if you ask me. It’s like, we’ll accept you, “gay people,” just so long as you don’t practice any homosexuality or like actually be gay.
At the same time straight sex is constantly shoved in my face every time I pop on a TV set. Affairs, make out sessions, impractically clearing off desks to “get it in” during a late night in the office, etc. You don’t even think about it because it’s so normalized. Gay sex, on the other hand, is something that for some people is still a bit pornographic, even when everybody has their clothes on. Why?
“The gay scenes in Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder are too much. There is no point and they add nothing to the plot,” one disgruntled viewer tweeted to Shonda Rhimes.
“There are no GAY scenes. There are scenes with people in them. If u use the phrase ‘gay scenes,’ u are not only LATE to the party but also NOT INVITED to the party. Bye Felicia. #oneLOVE,” Rhimes clapped back.
Can you imagine if I complained that there were too many straight sex scenes on basically all of TV? That those scenes add nothing to the plot?
There is something to be said, though, about the portrayal of gay men as sex crazed cockmonsters, which is what Connor is and IT’S HOT, a stereotype straight people already have about gay guys anyway. But guess what? People have sex! People love sex! And if we’re going to have straight sex montages well then I want a couple gay sex montages, too.
With its diverse cast and interesting approach to storytelling, I really hope that Murder doesn’t cave in to ratings pressure by softening its touch just to reel in a couple million viewers. Keep pushing the envelope. To my mind, Murder is so much gayer and interesting than recent shows that are actually about gay people.
1. “When I was in Rome, four unbelievably gorgeous Italian men propositioned me and asked me which one I’d like to sleep with for the night. They all offered to drop their pants to help me make the decision. Finally, one of them was all, ‘What about all of us?’ And, I was like, fuck it, I am young and alone in Italy… why not? (They also took a bit of video before I realized it so I could very well be on an Italian porn site somewhere, which isn’t awesome, but whatever, it’s my favorite travel experience!) — Claudia, 29
2. “One night, all my friends and I went to this night club. A couple of us traveling together had hooked up with each other and we were joking around about it, we had bottle service and we were pretty drunk. One guy was like “we should all know what it’s like to kiss each other, honestly. We practically do.” Instantaneously, everyone started making out. Everyone. Guys and girls, girls and girls, guys and guys. We still don’t talk about it unless we’re wasted.” — Jane, 23
3. “When I was living in Paris, I saw this guy working at the grocery store down the street from my apartment. He was this tall, dark, and handsome in this most cliché way. We made eyes a couple times when I went in there and, one time, he chased me down the street to ask my number and he came into my apartment building a bit and it was so hot and he kissed me. He didn’t even speak English! So, then I gave him my number and I had my French friend text in French for me to set up a date and, two nights later, he came over and I brought him upstairs and we fucked all night without even being able to speak to each other. It was probably the hottest experience of my life… felt like a page right out of an erotic novel.” — Claire, 28
4. “I was in Barcelona and set to stay in a private room with my four best friends in a backpackers hostel. They screwed up and placed us in a room with TWENTY beds. We were livid… until we saw that we were sharing a room with the Argentinian rugby team. I ended up making out with a guy who spoke no english for the rest of the night… he tried to propose to me and I pretended I didn’t understand what he was saying!” — Jas, 24
5. “On a cruise to Croatia from Italy, I had no bed to sleep in because buying a ‘regular’ seat instead of a “room” was cheaper. Even the “rooms” were just tiny cots in prison cell-style settings, but I really wanted a bed to sleep in. I saw a cute tall guy walk into the bar and I made my move…we ended up hooking up for the entire night while my best friend was in the cot next to us with his friend. I guess I didn’t get much sleep after all.” — Laurie, 25
6. “My friend and I were out drinking in Prague at a club and we met these two guys, one of them was Brazilian and the other was Russian. We danced with them all night, then went back to the little apartment I was staying in. The Brazilian guy (who was 19!) and I stepped outside for a cigarette and to make-out and, when we went to go back inside my apartment, we heard my friend and the Russian guy having sex, so we just got in the Brazilian guy’s car, went to his apartment to have sex, and I let my friend hook-up in my bed in my apartment. The sex was great, too, by the way.” — Zoe, 29
7. “Had a hot makeout session in the Vatican once. I don’t know how many people can say they were fondled in the holy city.” — Shannon, 21
8. “Italy has very strict noise policies, and the echoes are crazy because of the cobble stone and the way the buildings are structured around courtyards. One time, my friend was so blacked out and loud during sex that the police AND the military police were called. She spent the night in a jail cell. It was that good, I guess.” — Laura, 26
9. “I was staying at this tiny bed and breakfast in Switzerland and there was this beautiful Australian couple staying in the other room. One night, we were drinking wine and chatting and, I guess we had A LOT of wine, because, next thing I knew, we were in their room having a full on threesome. It was amazing, too, because they were both giving me all their attention, so I just sat back and let them do whatever they wanted. So fucking hot!” — Jane, 27
10. “I met a British guy named harry in line for the bathroom at this London nightclub and had sex with him in the ‘loo.’” — Katrina, 22
11. “I met this incredible Spanish woman when I was in Berlin and, even though I had identified as straight for my entire life, I fell for her so hard. We had the most amazing sex… I am getting turned on right now just thinking about it. We spent an entire month taking the train around Europe to find new and sexy places to have sex, including on the trains! After that month, we went our separate ways, but, even to this day, every time I’m on any kind of train—subway included!—I can’t help but get wet thinking about her and all those orgasms she gave me. Oh my godddddddd. So many!” — Jessica, 29
12. “We were bored in Ibiza (I know, white girl problems much?) and staying in an awful hotel that had no TV, wifi, anything. Just a bed and my best platonic guy friend…and some interesting conversation. Somehow sex tapes came up. We both glanced at his tablet. I know, a fucking tablet! Now we have a home movie to remember the trip by…and we saw ourselves on the screen the whole time. It was honestly the hottest thing I’ve ever done, that I would never do again!” — Julia, 25
13. “Met this guy outside of a random bar in Amsterdam. He was, like, all over me, and I thought he was pretty hot. He says to me, ‘Can I go down on you tonight?’ So, straight up, I took him back to my hotel, let him go down on me for 4 orgasms in a row, then was like, ‘I’m tired, going to go to sleep now, bye.’ Felt like payback for all the times I’ve given a blowjob with no reciprocation!” — Leslie, 31
14. “I went to a coffee shop alone in Amsterdam, I was waiting for my friends to get in the next night. Two very cute guys were working the counter. They invited me to try ‘the really good stuff’ in the back. I obliged… I’m down with mary jane, okay? And they were both Gosling-status. They put up a ‘closed’ sign, we went in the back and did these chocolate-espresso edibles that were nothing short of a full-body high. Before I knew it, I was making out with one of them…and then both of them…and then, well, it was a real full body high. Three bodies, to be exact.” — Hannah, 32
15. “So. Many. Taxi. Handjobs. I don’t know why, but I felt twenty times more comfortable getting low-key physical in dark cabs in a foreign country. It’s like I knew no one I knew could see me and I felt like it was all consequence-free.” — Kellie, 28
16. “I went on a long train trip across Europe with my friend and we were having trouble meeting new people, so we made an action plan: find and make out with one person on every leg of the ride. It definitely made the trip more interesting… but we developed a bit of a reputation with the conductor. Who was really hot. And was very interested in being the final cherry on top of a cross-continental sundae.” — Nicole, 27
17. “I was in Greece with my boyfriend at the time and we were having the absolute worst time. We couldn’t stop fighting and I knew it was the end of our relationship. So, I broke up with him and went downstairs to the hotel bar and flirted with the bartender all night. He took me up to an empty room and we had sex at least 4 times, once in the shower. My boyfriend and I went home early the next day and we haven’t even spoken since. It was so over.” — Sarah, 27
18. “Was in Paris with one of my guy friends. We were talking one night back at our hotel and just going down the list of things that would be super hot to do and so we were like, we’re young and in Paris, why aren’t we doing these things? So, at 3am, we went to the Eiffel Tower, found a secluded spot and had sex. It’s still one of our best, yet most private, stories. I was a guest at his wedding (he was single when we hooked up) and I just could NOT stop giggling thinking about that one night…” — Marie, 29
19. “My best friend and I went to Istanbul for a summer vacation. We had never done anything together EVER. We were out partying one night and we met this unbelievably good looking guy who, after we both were flirting with him, asked if we wanted to all hang out together at his hotel. We both looked at each other without even blinking and were like, “YES.” The rest of that trip, we ditched the guys and explored each other. We’re still best friends, yet, the moment we got back to the States, it was like the whole thing was a distant memory. We’ve never hooked up again, but, give us a few glasses of wine and we’ll be recounting each moment to each other, then have to go in separate rooms to masturbate.” — Kim, 27
20. “I was out dancing with a bunch of my friends at a club in Berlin. We were all pretty high and wasted. I started dancing with this super hot guy and we went over to a more secluded corner. I was wearing a dress and I was feeling totally anonymous and free, so I positioned his hand into my crotch and he got me off, all while my friends were just a few feet from us. I told them the next morning, obviously!” — Lara, 25
21. “The craziest experience in Europe? Well, I went to Amsterdam a straight woman with a boyfriend at home and came back a lesbian and broke up with my boyfriend so I could date women. That was pretty significant in my life.” — Nina, 32