I mean, let me start off by saying that you’re great. And not in the same way that I think my dog or my UPS man is great…I mean in the most sincere way possible, you are an awesome person. You’re considerate, you’re an awesome listener, and kudos to you for being a successful guy with a bomb job (and I will admit you aren’t half bad looking, especially naked).

But for me, the feelings just never made it past metaphorical first base. And instead of forcing something that can never be, I am going to have end this. I am trying to do this in a painless manner so if you haven’t noticed it yet…here are the subtle hints I have been dropping to let you know it’s not happening:

1. The duck-and-dodge texting.

Notice how in the beginning, I responded within the second to your text messages? One could assume my phone was literally glued to my hip and with every alerting ping my iPhone made — my witty yet casual responses were soon to follow. But now, my texts aren’t so punctual. Maybe you’ll get lucky and get a text from me in 20 minutes or in 2 hours. It’s not that I’m purposely ignoring you, I am trying to let you know that hey…..*45 minute pause*..…I’m just not that into you.

2. You haven’t met my friends — or anyone else in my life for that matter.

No, you aren’t a social pariah and you don’t have lazy eye that follows people weirdly across the room. You just haven’t met my friends yet because I’m trying to create some distance — you know, quit while we are ahead. As stated, you’re awesome and I think you could get along with my friends but remember, I am just not that into you. So I’m sparing you the nervous pit sweats you’ll get when you are worried about meeting my roomies hoping they like you. I am sparing you from the awkwardness if you were to ever run into my friends out at the bars. See all that avoided discomfort? You’re welcome.

3. The elusive “maybe” responses.

Hey, want go for a hike? Wanna make dinner at my place? Are you up for a movie tonight? My response: “Maybe, swamped with work right now.” If I am constantly using the word maybe in my vocabulary, it’s not because “maybe” is my word of the week. I’m purposefully being hard to pin down because I don’t want to hang out; organizing my closet is really a pressing task in my life right now. I will have you know though this point I’m not entirely proud of…but it is easier to respond with a “maybe” when you ask to hang out then a plain flat “no.” I mean I’m not that into you, but I’m not a complete bitch. Maybe I’m just letting you down with ease, is it working?

4. Is that the end zone? Nope, that’s the Friend Zone.

This one has to be the clearest of them all, if I drop the word friend into conversations regarding the two of us, it’s because I consider you a friend…and that’s it. Yes, we did sleep together, so that could muddle this interpretation a bit. But let’s just think of this friendship as the new progressive 21st century friendship; you know, where we can be the kind of friends who remain friendly even after weird situations like this? If so, great, glad we are still friends… If I say “friend” one more time, will that emphasize that I’m just not into it anymore?

It’s like the saying goes, “If you love something, set it free… If it comes back, it’s yours.” So go, be free, read the signs, but please (for both of our sakes) don’t come back because… I am just not that into you. TC mark

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Oprah’s new reality show ‘Lindsay’ is fascinating. Scratch that — Lindsay is fascinating. She packs and unpacks. She pulls mannequins out of boxes without a clue as to how it got there. She gets angry and she gets frustrated too. Below I’ve compiled some of the best lines yet from ‘Lindsay.’ Unless specified otherwise, these words were spoken straight form Lindsay’s mouth. And, as you might expect, they’re prolific.
1. Oh my god, mom, it’s a built-in wedge.
2. At the morgue, I didn’t feel I was giving as much back to society as I would’ve liked to.
3. I think, um, I’m a very spiritual person and I’ve become more spiritual as time has gone on.
4. I’m learning how to deal with life in a different light than I have before and in a different way than I have before.
5. I forget, like, there’s all these people…sometimes.
6. Lindsay’s life coach: it’s amazing how, when you realize what brings you a sense of normalcy, you can create it in any environment. I mean, a fragrant candle? Amongst all this craziness? Can make all the difference in the world.
7. It takes so little to do so much.
8. See now you’re getting me angry.
9. I, somewhere inside, knew and sort of wanted to go to jail…just to find some peace.
10. To other people, these are just a lot of clothes, but to me, these are things I’ve worked really hard for, and they actually happen to be really expensive.
11. To her assistant, Matt: Not to be nasty, but this is a role reversal right now, I feel like I’m working for you and I have to give you the time that you need, and I should be getting the paycheck.
12. I’m not mad…you’d know if I was mad.
13. Now I’m in a place where I really do need to be in a place that I can call my sanctuary.
14. I’m really in touch with – whether it’s prayer, or meditation…
15. I’ve lived so many lives in one lifetime.
16. I’ve always known things about myself.
17. What, am I just going to edit my life?
18. I really want to be on set, like that feeds me.
19. If I could list all the shoots I could get credit for as a co-stylist, then, I mean, it would be a full novel.
20. There are so many powers greater than me in the world and I’ve been blessed and lucky enough to be given a gift to share with other people.
21. I really haven’t done [cocaine] more than 10 or 15 times. I’ve done it like 10 or 15 times. TC mark

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It'll be okay
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Asking for people’s number is tough, especially if you’ve been getting rejected all day. This video, though, all in good fun, shows men rejecting advances from another man (but some are open to “new things”). If you haven’t seen it already, there’s the girl version of it on YouTube: Girl Picking Up Girls, which you can view here:

If you compare the two, men are far more direct and dismissive of advances, whereas women are more prone to dragging the situation out. Is it because we don’t want to hurt their feelings? (That’s usually it.) TC mark

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1. You share a drawer that is stocked with essentials.

Somewhere in the space you call an office — either your desk or behind their computer, or split between the two like a covert smuggling ring — the both of you have hidden a stash of the essential snacks, sweaters, hair products, and personal items one might need through the course of any given work day. You take turns replenishing this drawer as needed, and split the drug store receipt for all the big purchases.

2. Your Gchat is permanently set to the “off the record” function.

This would be all well and good, especially since HR really does not need to see what you’re talking about re: Todd in accounting’s butt in Nantucket reds, but every so often, you’ll find yourself in a state of minor despair when you need to go back and double-check something that was actually work-related. Moreover, any giggling heard from their cubicle will have a corresponding giggle from YOUR cubicle (and usually a Gchat ping to match).

3. Your text messages usually read the same from day to day.

“Running late, grab my coffee? I’ll get lunch!” is typically your good morning! and “Already got coffee, told boss you have a doctor’s appt” is code for covering for you, but you have like 20 min so you better get your hungover ass in here ASAP.

4. Any time you’re assigned to a work project, you silently hope that you’ll somehow be assigned to work with them.

It’s like high school never ended, and you’re crouching down in your desk, trying to play Jedi mind tricks that yes, actually, this time you promise to do the work together and won’t get too off topic and you’ll turn the report in on time and it’ll be great but please just give the two of you a chance. Besides, any projects you already are working on get vetted and fielded through them to begin with, so why not just make it official?

5. … And even when you aren’t assigned to work together, you make projects joint regardless.

Really, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing, you’re always looking for a second set of eyes, another opinion you value as much as your own, and someone to explain things to you when you’re afraid to ask your boss. You know that no matter what the day or project, you’re in it together — so much so that you could probably combine your job titles by now. (Consolidating the work and only having one of you as an employee would also prove fruitless, as one would do an okay job without the other, but together? Together, my friend, you are corporate rock stars.)

6. Any and all ideas you want to run by your boss, you run by them first.

Such brainstorming includes test runs and dress rehearsals the night before in one of your apartments, in which they coach you on the perfect thing to say, and how to say it perfectly. The two of you will cobble together flawless responses to any anticipated objections, and when it comes time to nail your presentation, your victory is your best friend’s victory.

7. If you’re hungover, they’re hungover.

And everyone at the office knows the two of you are simultaneously struggling. And that you did each other in. This is both of your faults.

Also see: being sick at the same time, having PMS collectively, and gaining about five pounds together because neither of you can say no to Chipotle Tuesday… and Chipotle Thursday. And Chipotle Friday.

8. If you wake up very far from your own home, you text them to bring a change of clothes.

They will do this without judgment, or, at the very least, they can cover for you while you make a beeline to Target or the one Forever 21 in the city that opens early enough just for this exact reason. (They will also remind you to stash a change of clothes in the Essentials Drawer, but you really can’t be bothered to listen to this logic, and really, if they can’t help you out in such emergencies, then what’s the point of working with them?)

9.They’re CONSTANTLY chatting up your office crush for you.

They’re the one who called you out for ogling Todd in accounting’s Nantucket reds in the first place; they warn you when HR begins to sniff out your puppy dog eyes; they’re the one who texts you ETAs when he’s headed toward your cubicle; and they’re the one reminding him how great you are at key chatting moments by the copier, fridge, and elevator, because what else are best friends for?

10. You sometimes cross the line of “professional appropriate.” And by “sometimes,” I mean, every Friday night.

Look, we all know how it goes. A few drinks and you’re spilling secrets. A few hours later someone probably sees someone else without some article of clothing on, and somewhere in the back of your mind you know this probably frowned upon but you’re proceeding regardless. And somewhere in this world, a HR representative feels their Spidey Sense tingle because they know something very wrong is happening, and it’s probably thanks to the two of you, but they are powerless to stop it.

11. You have someone to calm all of your irrational work-related fears.

If the boss calls you up for a meeting, for lunch, for ANYTHING — they are the one who you run to first because you just know that this is it, you’re going to get fired for saying hi to his daughter the wrong way holy crap no what are you gonna do for a job holy crap you’re done for… and it is your best friend’s job to remind you that you are A) overreacting, and B) not getting fired any time soon. Really.

12. And to complain to about that one person you can’t deal with.

You also share a nickname for Stacy who sits three cu… I mean. Steve.

13. You have a set schedule for lunch with which none shall interfere.

If they picked food on Monday, you pick on Tuesday. If they saw something really great at the bodega, they’ll bring you a second, and if you baked cookies the night before, they’re having cookies with their afternoon coffee, too.

14. If you find out they’re thinking about taking a different job, you can’t help but feel a little betrayed.

I mean, you’re happy for them, really, and they deserve the pay raise and the better title. You want to see them shoot for the stars, and in your heart of hearts, you know they’re always a Gchat away, but WHO ARE YOU GOING TO RUN TO WHEN STEVE IS MAKING YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL?!

15. And through it all, you wind up seeing them more than you see your parents, your roommate, and your significant other combined.

You work together. You skip the gym together. You blow off steam on Friday together. You brunch together on Saturday to cure Friday night’s HR-revenge hangover. You plan your office Halloween costumes together. Should you have a little distance? Hell no. They’re the best job perk of all time. TC mark

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The Notebook ❤️
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So bad it’s good? Nope – these 80s cult classics may be trashy, dated, bizarre, disturbing, juvenile, and violent, but they’re also some of the most enjoyable films ever made.

1. Miami Connection

Weirdness Scale: 10/10

Well, the opening sentence of its Wikipedia plot summary is, “A cocaine deal in Miami is interrupted by a group of motorcycle-riding ninjas led by Hashito, who steal the drugs and ride back to Orlando to party.” That gang of motorcycle-riding ninjas eventually do battle with our heroes, an 80s rock band made up of ninja college students. Generally unseen since its original release, Miami Connection had essentially disappeared until it was resurrected by Drafthouse Films and rereleased in theaters in 2012. It appears to have been written, filmed, and performed by people who had, at best, a tenuous relationship with human civilization.

Awesomeness Scale: 7/10

By any plausible measure, this is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. The acting is unimaginable; the dialogue is alien to human ears; the fight scenes are sub-awful; and the long, choreographed music scenes – yes, the long choreographed music scenes – are… well, they’re freaking awesome. In fact, this whole movie is amazing. The cast has an admirable sense of positivity in the face of their glaring inadequacies, and, although I think the filmmakers weren’t totally “in on the joke” per se, they obviously didn’t take themselves too seriously, either. Miami Connection ventures into a bizarre level of audacious badness that can’t be ignored.

2. Evil Dead II

Weirdness Scale: 10/10

Presumably, if you’re the type of person to check out a list like this, you’re more than casually familiar with Evil Dead II. On the off-chance you aren’t, this sequel to 1981’s Evil Dead has a far different vibe than its predecessor. Whereas the original was a piece of nightmarish terror, director Sam Raimi essentially created a live-action cartoon with his follow-up. Evil Dead II is hilariously gory slapstick – profoundly original and wonderfully perverse.

Awesomeness Scale: 10/10

This is really one of the most daring, entertaining, and inspired films to come from the 80s. Raimi’s anything-goes spirit creates some unforgettable sequences and his camerawork is consistently inventive and kinetic. The film moves at a Looney Tunes pace and features some great effects, as well as some that show the limitations of the budget – but the proceedings are far too fun for anyone to care. I wish I could commit to anything in life the way that Bruce Campbell commits to his starring role.

3. The Toxic Avenger

Weirdness Scale: 9/10

Troma is an indie film studio that combined gory horror with juvenile humor to surprising success, starting with their cult hit The Toxic Avenger. Kind of like Frankenstein meets Beauty and the Beast meets Superman, but updated for the 80s generation (in other words, more aerobics gear, bad music, occasional nudity, and horrible jokes), the Toxic Avenger is a bullied nerd who gets dropped in a vat of nuclear waste and turns into a deformed freak who battles crime and falls in love. Enjoy the type of gleeful bad taste only found in movies where drunken teenagers intentionally run over a child’s head for laughs.

Awesomeness Scale: 7/10

Did you read that last sentence? This was Troma’s quintessential achievement, an ode to offensive humor and low-budget gore that serves as one of the most entertainingly cheesy exploitation flicks ever made. This is the dark side of the 80s that Reagan didn’t want you to know about. If you dig it, I recommend another Troma favorite on Netflix – Class of Nuke ’Em High.

4. Dead Heat

Weirdness Scale: 9/10

The gist, via The L.A. Times: “Treat Williams and Joe Piscopo play a zombie cop and his jocular partner, up against a shadowy scientific syndicate that revives corpses and undead hooligans for its criminal endeavors.” The plot literally makes no sense at all, but this is the picture for you if you’ve ever wanted to see the LAPD fighting off reanimated animal corpses in a Chinese butcher shop.

Awesomeness Scale: 6/10

A film destined for cult status if there ever was one, this is one extremely entertaining action/comedy/horror/sci-fi/buddy cop film. Shamelessly over-the-top in its excesses (although also occasionally satirical of its genre influences), Dead Heat’s joys include wonderfully gory make-up and effects; the comedy is uniformly awful (Joe Piscopo is just unspeakably bad), but even that is oddly appealing.

5. Visiting Hours

Weirdness Scale: 6/10

Do you love Michael Ironside, perpetually terrifying villain from Paul Verhoeven trash classics Total Recall and Starship Troopers? Are you excited and possibly aroused at the prospect of watching him play a seriously deranged cross-dressing, misogynistic, custodian/murder? Did I mention William Shatner?

Awesomeness Scale: 7/10

This unexpectedly effective low-budget Canadian slasher drips with dread-inducing suspense. The thrills are gratuitous, the spirit vilely nihilistic, and the plot holes gaping, which is just the way I like it. But there’s also legitimate skill involved: the performances far exceed expectations (including two great female leads), Michael Ironside makes a memorably horrifying stalker/killer, and the attempt to provide a backstory for the villain elevates this film above its peers. Several scenes are almost unbearably tense.

6. 8 Million Ways to Die

Weirdness Scale: 7/10

A mere plot description of this crime-thriller starring Jeff Bridges as an alcoholic, disgraced former cop would sound pretty pedestrian. But, that plot description would probably leave out the following tantalizing details: Andy Garcia as a Scarface-wannabe gangster who serves snow cones out of his car trunk, a gorgeous mid-80s Rosanna Arquette vomiting on Bridges’ crotch, and the line of dialogue, “The streetlight makes my pussy hair glow in the dark.”

Awesomeness Scale: 6/10

The final film from underrated director Hal Ashby (who supposedly encouraged the actors to adlib everything and was fired after filming), I find 8 Million Ways to Die endearingly daft. Opening with one of the most ambitious tracking shots I’ve ever seen, the movie remains fun throughout, including a ridiculously over-the-top shootout towards the end between a bunch of screaming morons. The plot is completely illogical and threadbare (what the hell happens to Bridges’ family?), but, if not quite a hidden gem, this is certainly a worthwhile curiosity.

7. Dead End Drive-In

Weirdness Scale: 8/10

Pretty weird, even as far as the apocalyptic Australian action-punk genre goes: we follow the plight of a couple who find that what they thought was a drive-in theater is really a government-sponsored concentration camp for wayward youths. They become trapped in the drive-in, forced to deal with the gangs of degenerate punks that inhabit it like prisoners.

Awesomeness Scale: 9/10

Dead End Drive-In blew me away the first time I saw it. Director Brian Trenchard-Smith creates a vivid alternate universe with the kind of incredible detail and visual skill only found in celebrated classics like Blade Runner (admittedly, Dead End Drive-In is very derivative of Road Warrior, but it’s also much quirkier and offbeat). The narrative has its flaws, but the visual style is wonderful: its simultaneously grungy and beautiful, packed with visual flourishes involving crazed punks, graffiti, bizarre costumes, and junk – after all, the drive-in looks like the chaotic parking lot of a Misfits concert. This is gutter art.

8. The Running Man

Weirdness Scale: 7/10

Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Ben Richards, a cop framed for mass murder in a futuristic society that condemns felons to compete on a game show where they are hunted and slaughtered. As far as I can tell, The Running Man is ever-so-loosely based on a Stephen King novel (written under the pseudonym Richard Bachman) and more heavily based on a bong hit I took during my junior year of high school. There are opera-singing villains, chainsaw murders, exploding heads, Jesse Ventura, and the line of dialogue, “I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I’m going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine!”

Awesomeness Scale: 7/10

As an unapologetic Schwarzenegger junkie, I’d argue that there’s A-List Arnie fare (Terminators 1 and 2, Total Recall, Predator, Conan the Barbarian, perhaps True Lies) and his cheesier B-Movie fare. Of the latter, The Running Man is his finest offering this side of the unfortunately-not-streaming Commando. Richard Dawson is great as the archetypical sleazy game show host and the movie provides some second-rate dystopian fervor alongside the action and one-liners. Suffice it to say I own this movie on Blu-ray and I don’t even have a Blu-ray player.

9. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

Weirdness Scale: 7/10

I’ve written before about how this vastly underrated Nightmare sequel is really a potent allegory about closeted teen Jesse coming to terms with his orientation, with none other than Freddy representing his repressed homosexuality (as Jesse so eloquently reminds us, “He’s inside me!!!”). Even as far as slasher flicks doubling as gay youth parables go, this film is pretty unusual.

Awesomeness Scale: 8/10

It’s also so great and so, so underappreciated. The film’s surprisingly weighty subtext keeps your brain occupied while you enjoy all of the visceral thrills and cheap scares associated with the series. It also justifies the atmospheric dream sequences in which the Nightmare franchise specialized (in later sequels, these scenes became little more than opportunities for gratuitous set pieces (not that I’m complaining)). Of course, Nightmare 2 is also incredibly cheesy and hilariously dated, but if that sort of thing dissuades you, what the hell are you still reading this for?

10. Re-Animator

Weirdness Scale: 9/10

The titular reanimation refers to the walking undead, and not, like, Madagascar 2 or something, so this movie is plenty weird and plenty gory. Next to Evil Dead II, this is the most well-known horror flick on this list, and for good reason: I mean, where else are you going to see a severed head get to second base on a college co-ed?

Awesomeness Scale: 9/10

I mean, Re-Animator is really just the bee’s knees: outrageously gruesome and darkly humorous, the film expertly walks the same tight-rope between horror and slapstick comedy that my love life usually balances. The cast is great, the direction inspired, and there’re enough naked, decaying corpses to last you a lifetime (well, at least a three-day weekend).

11. Conan the Destroyer

Weirdness Scale: 8/10

If your memory of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s two Conan flicks is hazy and interchangeable, let me lend you a hand: the first (Conan the Barbarian), is the grim, self-important (albeit highly entertaining) affair in which Arnold at one point gets crucified. The second, Conan the Destroyer, is the completely bat-shit insane and silly one that has Wilt Chamberlain riding a horse and Andre the Giant in a rubbery monster suit that makes him look like an amphibious sex organ.

Awesomeness Scale: 7/10

Again, 7’1” Wilt Chamberlain on a horse and Andre the Giant in a rubber lizard suit! Conan and a series of goofy sidekicks straight out of a Saturday morning cartoon cross swords with a series of increasingly strange villains in this sequel. If you love when Arnold is in wacky, B-movie mode, you’ll thoroughly enjoy this goofy flick. TC mark

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