Imagine that someone in this world loves you more than any song can song, and any phrase can express. You are the first thing on his mind every morning, and the last thing on his mind every night. He worships you. He can’t go more than ten minutes wondering what you are doing, and if you are happy. Your happiness and success are his only goals in life.
You are literally his drug. He doesn’t need narcotics or booze because you are his high. Everything you are, is everything he wants and the only thing he needs. He would take a bullet for you. He would kill someone for you. His love is that real.
And he tells you all the time, “I love you so much.” And you can feel it in his presence. You can see it in the way he looks at you and the way he bares his soul. In the way that he has made himself a better person, for you.
It is a fairytale. Except that it isn’t.
The only problem is you don’t love him back. Maybe you did at one time and have fallen out of love. Maybe you never loved him at all. Maybe you do love him, but not enough to save you. How do you live with yourself, knowing that you have literally crushed the soul of another? How do you sleep knowing that you may have scarred him for life? Knowing that he may never be able to love someone else, because of you.
The answer is simple: time and conscious thought. Time doesn’t completely heal all wounds, but it can help. At first it will seem like a selfish act…you are the villain. But in time you will understand that your happiness and your choices are just that, yours. Do your choices affect others? Absolutely. But can continue to blame yourself for the way other people choose to feel? Absolutely not. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to love whomever the hell you please. You are responsible for you, and that’s it.
Stop beating yourself up about it. Stop pitying him. He will get over it someday, on his own accord, when he is damn well ready. When he starts to take responsibility for his own happiness, and his own choices, he will be free from you. And he will feel stronger, and more able because of it.
Maybe he didn’t deserve for you to break his heart. But he certainly didn’t deserve your guilted-love either. Maybe he will find someone else, maybe he will never love again. Either way, that isn’t your concern. Take pride in the fact that you are brave enough to know what you want, and make the hard decisions that need to be made.
You aren’t a bad person because you broke someone’s heart. You aren’t a villain for not returning someone else’s love. You’re human. Someone may break your heart someday and then maybe you’ll understand both sides of the coin. But until then, remind yourself that no matter how much he loved you; you loved yourself a little more.
Because eventually you will find someone who you love, just as much as he loved you. And if you’re lucky, that person will love you too.
Nassim (Nicholas) Taleb is far and away my favorite thinker living today. His “Incerto” (Latin for “uncertainty,” it consists of the body of his work
) has changed my life more profoundly than any author (except maybe Nietzsche or Seneca).
He recently released, for free, a new work-in-progress currently titled “More Aphorisms, Maxims, and Heuristics.”
Below you will find 44 of my favorites.
1. What counts is not what people say about you, it is how much energy they spend saying it.
2. If something looks irrational – and has been so for a long time – odds are you have a wrong definition of rationality.
3. Never take investment advice from someone who has to work for a living.
4. Being an entrepreneur is an existential, not just a financial thing.
5. The first one who uses “but” has lost the argument.
6. Virtue is sequence of small acts of omission. Honor and Grandeur can be a single gutsy, momentous, and self-sacrificial act of commission.
7. To be a person of virtue you need to be boringly virtuous in every single small action. To be a person of honor all you need is be honorable in a few important things (say risk your life or career or reputation for a just cause, or live up to your word when nobody else has guts to do so, etc.)
8. To understand how something works, figure out how to break it.
9. Bring the good news in trickles, the bad news in lumps.
10. It takes a lot of skills to be virtuous without being boring.
11. Atheists are just modern versions of religious fundamentalists: they both take religion too literally.
12. High Modernity: routine in place of physical effort, physical effort in place of mental expenditure, and mental expenditure in place of mental clarity.
13. It is a sign of weakness to avoid showing signs of weakness.
14. Life is about execution rather than purpose.
15. The general principle of antifragility: it is much better to do things you cannot explain than explain things you cannot do.
16. The ultimate freedom lies in not having to explain “why” you did something.
17. Life is about the early detection of the reversal point beyond which belongings (say a house, country house, car, or business) start owning you.
18. The first, and hardest, step to wisdom: avert the standard assumption that people know what they want.
19. If someone is making an effort to ignore you, he is not ignoring you.
20. A good man is warm and respectful towards the waiter or people of lower financial and social condition.
21. When someone starts a sentence with the first half containing “I,” “not” and “but,” the “not” should be removed and the “but” replaced with “therefore.”
22. Journalists cannot grasp that what is interesting is not necessarily important; most cannot even grasp that what is sensational is not necessarily interesting.
23. Injuries done to us by others tend to be acute; the self-inflicted ones tend to be chronic.
24. We often benefit from harm done to us by others; almost never from self-inflicted injuries.
25. For a free person, the optimal – most opportunistic – route between two points should never be the shortest one.
26. Just as eating cow-meat doesn’t turn you into a cow, studying philosophy doesn’t make you wiser.
27. If the professor is not capable of giving a class without preparation, don’t attend. People should only teach what they have learned organically, through experience and curiosity…or get another job.
28. Mistakes detected by copy editors are not likely to be noticed by readers, and vice versa.
29. Accept the rationality of time, never its fairness and morality.
30. Did you notice that collecting art is to hobby-painting as watching pornography is to doing the real thing? Only difference is status.
31. Real life (vita beata) is when your choices correspond to your duties.
32. If you detect a repressed smile on the salesperson’s face, you paid too much for it.
33. Polemic is a lucrative form of entertainment, as the media can employ unpaid and fiercely motivated actors.
34. France took Algeria, hoping for a country to eat coussoulet and instead France is now eating couscous. Inverse effects are the norm.
35. In a conflict, the middle ground is the least likely to be correct.
36. The ancient Mediterranean: people changed rites as we do with ethnic food.
37. Risk takers never complain. They do.
38. You are as good as how nice you are to people you don’t have to be nice to.
39. Intellect without balls is like a race car without tires.
40. We tend to define “rude” less by the words used (what is said) than by the status of the recipient (to whom it is addressed).
41. Studying neurobiology to understand humans is like studying ink to understand literature.
42. The only people who think that real world experience doesn’t matter are those who never had real world experience.
43. Automation makes otherwise pleasant activities turn into “work.”
44. Much of the difference between what is heaven and what is hell is branding.
When you open yourself up emotionally to someone, there’s always a chance they’ll take advantage of your vulnerability.
This could happen with a family member, friend, or love interest. Really anyone. We as humans are social beings, wanting to be accepted and loved and wanting to feel like we belong. We need others to help us when we’re down, comfort us in bad times, and encourage us to do our best. We want to know that we’re needed.
Opening yourself up completely to someone else is scary.
It’s letting them see inside of you, into those dark and dusty corners of your heart no one knows about.
It’s telling them things you’ve never told someone else or could never imagine saying out loud.
It’s feeling so comfortable around them that you don’t care if the two of you just sit in silence.
It’s knowing that there is someone in the world that makes you absolutely happy, and it’s weird to believe that a person could be the source of your happiness.
Some people aren’t in touch with their emotions enough to do this, but for those of us who have these deep feelings (a blessing and a curse), it’s like venturing into a new world, knowing in the back of your mind that you could end up getting hurt.
But that’s the chance you take, even if you may not think about at first.
Sometimes you just click with a certain person, and it’s easy to tell them things you normally don’t tell someone you just met. Those people could be the best people you have in your life, and they can also be the ones who hurt you the most.
It all comes down to trust.
By being open with someone else, you’re hoping that they’ll be understanding of everything you say and do. That if they make a promise, they’ll keep it. That they’ll support you in choices you make, whether or not they agree with what you’re doing. That they’ll just be there for you.
Because if you were in their shoes, you know you’d do it for them.
But sometimes life just doesn’t work like that. It may at first, and it’s great knowing you have someone to can tell absolutely anything to, no matter how crazy or insane it sounds. It’s like finding your missing puzzle piece in life.
Then you blink and it’s all gone.
You and the other person just end up going down different paths, something comes between the two of you that creates a breaking point, or words are exchanged that could bruise the relationship.
You’re left blindsided by something you never thought could happen.
You feel betrayed, deceived, cheated.
One thing to remember is that most times, what people do isn’t because of you; it’s because of themselves. Everyone has different moral codes and ideas about how life should be lived. Sometimes we don’t find out these differences until after something happens to sever the connection between you and the other person.
But this is how we see people’s true colors. When people are faced with a crisis or a stressful situation, you’re able to witness what they believe is important in life and what is not. You get to see who they really are, and they may not be the same person you thought they were.
Don’t blame yourself for not seeing the signs earlier. You didn’t know any of this was going to happen.
It’s not healthy to constantly battle yourself about what you did wrong or if you did something different how things would be now. You didn’t know that the other person had a secret agenda. You did everything you could and what you thought was right at the time.
They say time heals everything, and although it really sucks, it’s true. You’re allowed to distance yourself from that person because you’re hurt or frustrated or disappointed. These feelings are valid because they are your feelings and reactions to what happened. Don’t feel stupid for thinking you’re overreacting or that it’s not that big of a deal.
Trust can be broken in an instant, but it takes a long time to be rebuilt. And sometimes that’s just how it is.
You feel like a piece of you is missing, that this person is out free in the world with your secrets and dreams. That’s just one of the horrible consequences of putting your trust in someone else. Telling them what you did isn’t a mistake. You can only learn from this experience in the future.
You also can’t seem to wrap your mind around why the other person did what they did. It just doesn’t make any sense to you, and it’s frustrating. Because you know you wouldn’t do what they did to someone else. But sometimes there are things we will never understand. That’s something we have to accept, as sucky as it is.
In cases like this, you should take care of yourself first. It can feel like one step forward, three steps back, but any progress is progress. Take it one day at a time and try not to think about it.
You may reconnect with the other person after six months, a year, whatever, and things will be okay again. Just keep a few guards up to protect yourself, but don’t completely shut the person out.
Or you may never talk to them again. Your time with them ran its course, and it could be a blessing in disguise.
And if you miss them, it’s okay. They were an important part of your life and meant something to you. It won’t hit you at first, but it will at night when you’re trying to fall asleep or when you hear their favorite song or you think of some inside joke the two of you had.
It’s going to suck, but let your emotions happen and don’t try to stop them. If you try to stop them, then it creates even more of an inner struggle.
It seems like it’s taking forever for you to move on from them because they hurt you, but give it some time and if you look back, you’ll see you’ve come a lot further than you ever thought you could.
There has been quite a lot of buzz on the Internet lately about “Generation Y” and the “Millennials”. You cannot look left or right without finding an article decrying them as lazy, unmotivated, and ungrateful. Some would call into effect a great “Ass-Whooping” by which they shall be indoctrinated into the style of upbringing their own parents faced, because “kids these days are all too soft, too unaware of the harsh reality that awaits them”. Some simply call them out on their apparent disconnect with reality. But what really is this reality that we are looking at? Times have changed since our parents, and our parent’s parents, grew up. The world is a different place and it requires a different approach. Here are three reasons why I believe that my generation will make great parents.
1. Millenials Have A Fresh Perspective
If you ask nearly any parents with children out of the house, they will tell you that they raised their kids how they were raised. They turned out all right, so why change anything? The problem is, everything about how children grow up now is different than it was 30 years ago. We have instant access to vast amounts of information, and because of greater technology, the capability to maintain a much greater level of global awareness and concern. We are not resistant to new ideas, new doctrines, the way that our parents are. Civil rights movements have the ability to become viral and gain support from a massive audience that could never have been reached even 10 years ago. I maintain the belief that a parent’s viewpoint will largely influence a child’s development, and because of Generation Y’s great exposure to worldwide concerns and movements, our children will be open and tolerant to greatly varying ways of life. They will not look upon the world through the jaded glasses that generations before them have.
2. Millenials Have A Thirst For Experience
The great battle cry of so many of our generation is the need to travel, to experience, to leave the places we know and find something new. We are no longer content to settle, to live life by the standards that have been set. I went to college very close to where I grew up, and although I don’t regret that decision at all, I have never been happier since I picked up and moved somewhere new with nothing holding me back. I needed the change of pace, and I needed something new. So many others like me feel the same need to leave the familiar and face the unknown. As I stated earlier, I believe that a parent’s perspective has a large influence on a child’s development. Our children will be imbued with a desire to gain a greater understanding of other cultures, a desire to gather and cherish new experiences, not as something alienating, but as an educational and inspirational quest on the path to find themselves.
3. Millenials Have A Desire To Share
Pinterest, Etsy, and many other similar websites thrive because of their ability to bring together communities based on common interest. Entire websites and blogs are devoted to lifestyles, and their authors want others to read and learn from them. In today’s world of technology and instant information access, everybody has a voice and an outlet through which to express it. If somebody creates something that they like, they want to share it with others. It is so easy to do this that it has practically become an occupation. People spend hours compiling a list of pins that they like because it makes it easier for other users to find something cool. Bloggers write post after post because they want to entertain their readers. We, as a generation, look at this influx of information very differently than generations before us would. We do not disregard an author because his post was made on a blog rather than in a textbook. We value everybody’s opinion because we have seen so many opinions that we have no choice but to come to the conclusion that no one voice is better than the others. This is another value that I believe will be passed on to our children.
I know that our generation’s children will grow up with parents who are compassionate and understanding, who share a great global concern, and who are more connected to each other than ever before. The kids will be all right.