image - Flickr / Kevin Dooley
image – Flickr / Kevin Dooley

I had this daydream the other day. It was about a guy that goes into a medical facility in the future because his liver or his heart is failing. It’s the future, and so the treatment is actually pretty simple. They’re going to clone him, and then take out the clone’s organ and do a transplant. So the guy walks in, they do they procedure, and as he gets up to, he finds that he’s restrained, strapped down to the operating table, and all of the doctors are like, “Sorry clone, you’re not going anywhere.”

Because the clone has all of the guy’s memories up until the point of cloning, so that’s what it feels like. Right? I don’t know. I’m actually pro-cloning. I would clone myself in a second. Because it wouldn’t be exploitative. I’d be more than willing to share half of my life with a clone. The immediate upside is that I’d only have to work half as many hours. We could just take turns. So that would be great.

But the obvious downside is that we’d be spending double the money on food and drink. Clothes wouldn’t be a problem, because I have more than one pair of clothing. But laundry detergent use would definitely double. Still, I think it would be worth it, absolutely, to be able to go to work half the time. There are so many ways to split it up. It’s like, maybe I would only have to work two days a week. Or, I could work a full week and then have a full week’s vacation, and we could alternate.

Most clone story problems happen because a guy makes a clone of himself and then realizes once the clone exists that there is just too much stuff that he’s not willing to compromise with himself. Like the organ donor story that I started out with. If you want to get cloned, you have to go into it assuming that you’re going to be the clone, because maybe you will be. Because who really knows whose memories are going to belong to which one? And what if the cloning company is run by a bunch of incompetents, always mixing up who is the clone and who is the original?

I’m just saying, if you want to do cloning the right way, you have to plan it out in advance so that if you were to wake up tomorrow as a clone, you’d be happy with all of the decisions the original made in advance. Equal power sharing. Equal work time. And yeah, an extra kidney if something goes wrong. Livers would be problematic still, and I guess the same with hearts. But kidneys, eyes, hands, anything that there are two of, you’d be fine.

Unfortunately it’s never going to be that easy. The first people to get their hands on cloning technology will definitely be the ultra-rich, the type that never want to compromise on or share anything. Because they earned it, the money to fund the futuristic cloning technology, the right to own everything. They’ll take the above scenario, the organ harvesting I’m-not-the-clone-you’re-the-clone story and they’d think about it, they’d maybe acknowledge what would have to be a pretty unpleasant scenario for the clone, and they’d just say, well screw that guy, screw that clone, screw myself. I need an extra heart and I don’t care if I have to bring into existence an identical version of myself to do it.

I would love to clone myself and then challenge the clone to a race, or a game of basketball, or rocks-paper-scissors. I’ve never lost rocks-paper-scissors. Not even once. Maybe we’d walk up to each other, eye-to-eye, we’d both go “rocks-paper-scissors says shoot.” And we’d both draw rock. That’s always my first move. And then I always go scissor. And then scissor. It goes rock, scissor, scissor, rock, scissor, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, rock, paper, paper, rock, paper, scissor. I always do that combo because it’s unbeatable. But that’s as far as I’ve ever gone. What would it be like against myself? Would it just be an eternal tie? We’d be standing there, for days, rocks-paper-scissors shoot: paper, tie. Rocks-paper-scissors shoot: paper: tie.

And the days would go by and people would come up to us and go, “Robs, you really need to take a break, stop for even just a second, go to the bathroom, take a drink of water.” But neither of us would quit. You know why? Because I would never quit. So therefore the two of us would never quit. But eventually the physical demands of everything that people had been warning us about, food, water, bathroom breaks, they’ll all have taken their toll, and we’ll both pass out at the exact same second.

And we’ll both wake up in the hospital, and the doctors will be saying, “Sorry Robs, but you didn’t go to the bathroom and didn’t drink any water to the point where all four of your kidneys failed at the same time.” And we’d be shocked, but the doctor would tell us not to worry, he’d say, “Don’t worry boys, your insurance covered some pretty fancy procedures, and we were able to clone the two of you. So as soon as your clones are all ready, we’ll just harvest their organs and give them to you.” And I’ll open my mouth to say, “I don’t know how I feel about that doc,” but I wouldn’t be able to actually say it out loud, because my mouth is taped shut, and my arms and legs are strapped to the hospital gurney. And I’ll break into a cold sweat as I realize that I’m the clone here, and they’re going to harvest my kidneys. And my head is strapped down also, but I move my eyes as far as I can to the side and I can see another me, also strapped in, and two more of me to his side, laying down on the operating table as the doctors tell them not to worry, that the procedure will be over and done with in no time, that there’s nothing to worry about, that this is a very common operation. TC mark









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Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Forgetting Sarah Marshall

(1) If you are still referring to your weekends as time to “rage,” just stop.

(2) If you’re over 30 and still “threatened” by a woman’s career, reevaluate everything.

(3) Wearing your hat sideways. Not backwards like a cool young dad, but sideways, like someone who just got really excited about a deal at Spencer’s. The only exception is if you are a Rob Dyrdek-esque TV personality.

(4) Sending vague “Wanna hang out?” texts instead of inviting someone they’re interested in to actual, set plans.

(5) If your parents are still paying for your plane tickets to come home for the holidays, you should be embarrassed.

(6) Posting passive aggressive Facebook statuses and subtweeting when you’ve broken up with someone. It’s so tempting to put on your most embarrassing Spotify playlist, stalk their page, and cry into your Ben and Jerrys but you need to step away from the social media.

(7) If you still don’t go down on a girl, you should be embarrassed.

(8) If your utility bills are still in your parents’ names, it’s time they disowned you.

(9) Eating take out for almost every meal. By now you should be able to make at least a handful of recipes at home for a really great, savory meal instead of picking up McDonalds on the way home from work.

(10) If you are still waiting three days to call someone after a date and upholding yourself to these weird dating games.

(11) If you judge a girl for sleeping with you on the first date, you should be embarrassed.

(12) If you’re still using plastic plates and cups inside your home (and not at a BBQ), you need to upgrade to some shit that can actually be broken if thrown across the room. You’re an adult.

(13) Bragging about drinking. It’s like how a toddler celebrates successful poops, but if he turned 13 and was still bragging every time he went potty, you’d question his maturity.

(14) It’s embarrassing if you still have no clue how to do your taxes, or if you go into panic mode in April because you’re totally unclear on what doing your taxes really means.

(15) If you are unable to state your intentions to a woman you are dating because you are still sooooooooo afraid of commitment, get over it.

(16) If every time a guest comes over to your apartment you have to scramble to clean up your living space because it’s a disaster, you need to learn how to be a clean human being and not a monster.

(17) If you have thrown up from drinking post age 30, you are not an acceptable human. Learn to hold your alcohol or get sober. You’re embarrassing yourself and everyone you know.

(18) If you are unable to actually have an honest conversation about your feelings, you should be embarrassed.

(19) It’s embarrassing to go over someone’s house and not have anything to offer — be it a six pack of beer, a batch of cookies. Something to reciprocate is common courtesy at this point.

(20) If you’re waking and baking at age 30, it’s really not a good sign.

(21) Not disclosing crucial information (i.e., if you have kids) at a reasonable time. That innocent smile stopped being effective seven years ago.

(22) Sure, nobody loves to pay their bills, but it’s time to get a system going if you don’t already have one. It sucks to watch all our money go away, but it’s going to go away regardless, might as well not add on late fees, too.

(23) If you’re still unable to take responsibility for your life and blame everyone else for your problems, then it’s time to reevaluate the state of your life. You are in control of you, the end.

(24) Genuinely believing that playing video games all through the weekend counts as one of your “hobbies.”

(25) If you still secretly think you have a chance of getting into the NBA/ NFL/ some other professional sport, you probably need to reassess your priorities

(26) By the time you’re 30 you should have some idea of what constitutes personal style and should at least realize that a baseball cap is not a hairdo.

(27) Talking exclusively in movie quotes. It can be funny and endearing, but it’d be nice to hear what you have to say.

(28) If you still need a woman to dictate your style and to decorate your apartment because you have no say in your own tastes, then please stop this.

(29) Sending your friend over to ask for your someone’s number that you find attractive. Are you still in the 4th grade?

(30) If you’re over 30 and in a long-term relationship, you should either have plans to marry her or have plans to get out of the relationship. C’mon bro.

(31) Being emotionally invested in fantasy football, to the point that it affects other aspects of your life. Peyton Manning’s performance shouldn’t dictate your mood every Sunday.

(32) Getting all worked up and making a scene in rec leagues or pickup games. Nobody in the gym is going to the NBA. It’s not that serious. Relax. TC mark









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Are you young? Unemployed? Underemployed? Up to your eyeballs in student debt? Crying yourself to sleep at night?

I have a solution for you.

Travel.

It’s cheaper and a whole lot more fun.

They say the millennial generation is a selfish one, and that we only care about our own happiness. We’ll leave jobs that are unfulfilling on a whim, and, after years of helicopter moms, technology, and earning points simply for showing up, we are demanding and selfish.

I say, good. People should be concerned with their happiness. If you aren’t happy, you can’t make others happy. Who wants to be around someone who is miserable? Unhappy people don’t change the world.

And if you’re unhappy in your current situation, you should change it. It’s easier than you think—it just takes some motivation.

In today’s weak economy, there aren’t many professional jobs available, and a gig at Starbucks or Wal-Mart isn’t going to pay your 0,000 student debt. A lot of people tell me, “Matt, I would love to travel more, but I’m broke. My job doesn’t even cover my rent. I’ll never be able to travel. This is all a pipe dream.”

Bullshit. It’s only a pipe dream if you let be a pipe dream.

If your job doesn’t cover your bills, quit and find a job elsewhere—there are plenty of them around the world.

Stop struggling with underemployment and instead do something about it. Your time is better spent traveling the world, learning about life, and developing skills you can use when the economy gets better and there are more and better-paying jobs available back home. Economic studies have shown that once you enter the cycle of underemployment, it’s hard to break free. You’re always trying to stay afloat. The informative book Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich discusses in depth how people get trapped in a cycle of poverty.

So don’t enter the cycle—skip work in America, go overseas, travel, and work abroad instead.

Instead of making an hour, use the skills you already have (the ability to speak English) and teach overseas, earning thousands of dollars a month in countries that cost hundreds to live in. Use the remainder to take care of your loan payments. I know people who walked away from South Korea with over ,000 saved up after a year. Chances are you aren’t currently at a job that lets you save that much. That money can pay off a big chunk of student loans.

Or go to Australia, get a working holiday visa, and find a job there.

Or work on a yacht while sailing the world (minimal yachting skills required).

Work on a cruise ship.

Think outside the box. The system is rigged against us and keeps you in debt. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a job that utilizes your degree in 13th century French literature. Corporations are downsizing quickly, globalization has made labor cheap, and boomers are holding on to jobs because they can’t afford to retire due to the recent downturn.

The only way to win the game is by not playing it.

The Internet makes it easy find jobs overseas. Be like one of these people.

Your parents will tell you you’re foolish. People will say it’s unwise. But most people are wrong. They tell you to stick to what they know because “it’s what you’re supposed to do.”

But when you are 100k in debt and working at Starbucks, do you really have much left to lose? Bankruptcy doesn’t even eliminate student debt. Once you have it, you’re stuck with it forever.

Find a better way. Something that will pay off your debt, be a lot more fun, and give you money to travel with.

It’s better than living in your parents’ basement feeling anxious about your bills.









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❁ light a cigarette and smoke it all away ❁
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Shutterstock / Robert Hoetink
Shutterstock / Robert Hoetink

What tastes as good as skinny feels? The answer is not nothing, no matter what Kate Moss wants you to think. The answer is anything and everything from cupcakes to pizza.

We’ve all pretty much heard — and given — every excuse under the sun to explain why we’re not skinny. This week it was because our boss just would not stop with the late-night meetings and next week, our best friend’s recent breakup will definitely be to blame (sympathy eating with your bestie is a thing, guys; I don’t care what you say).

We’re all guilty of reaching for the last piece of pie — and going for seconds, thirds and fourths on mom’s homemade mac ‘n cheese (let’s just hope no one is keeping tabs, though). Sure, we’re watching our waistlines … if by watching you mean filling them with lavish, delectable goodies and mouth-watering and deliciously tasty (pumpkin) treats. Because calories don’t count if no one saw you eat them. Right?

We’re eyeing our figures — watching them expand instead of sucking in every 15 minutes. I mean, okay, maybe we’re prepping for the holidays a little early this year. You know, getting a head start on our winter weight? Hibernation is real, okay? And we know how to excel at it.

Need more convincing to treat yourself? Take a look below at 10 of the best things we tell ourselves about why we’re not stick-thin, from “I’m probably getting my period” to “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Take that, gym selfies.

  1. “Because Rome wasn’t built in a day.” And let’s face it, neither were your abs.
  2. “Because that last piece of chocolate cake deserves love, too.” And you’re the one who’s gonna give it to ‘em.
  3. “Because Kate Moss lied.” There are a million things that taste better than skinny feels — like peanut butter, pasta, ice cream sundaes and chocolate cream pie, for starters. Speaking from personal experience here, but what the hell do supermodels know about culinary masterpieces, anyway?
  4. “Because summer just ended.” So now you don’t need to worry about anyone seeing your stomach for the next six months.  I’m sorry, was I supposed to be sad that bikini season ended? Because I’m not.
  5. “Because I had a really bad day at work today.” Because I had a really bad day at work today and I just need comfort foods and two bottles of wine and endless reruns of The Mindy Project to make me feel good again. You do you, girl.
  6. “Because calories don’t count if no one saw you eat them.” Right? Right?
  7. “Because I really hate leftovers, so I’m just going to eat it all!” I don’t like leftovers — and I’d hate to waste good food, so I should just eat all of this tonight.
  8. “Because I’m not going to lose any weight by starving myself.” And if I’m going to drag myself to the gym later, I need something to work off.
  9. “Because I’m probably getting my period.” Which means I should basically just give up now and eat my feelings.
  10. “Because you can always ‘start tomorrow’.” Today sucked? Who cares? I’ll start over again tomorrow. TC mark

This post originally appeared at YourTango.

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shutterstock

I see her all the time. She resounds in my mind when I feel inadequate, weak, inapt. She exudes positivity; is passionate about even the simplest aspects of life. She’s dependable, charming, motivated. She takes care of herself in the morning, spends her days working towards a job she adores and her nights surrounded by people she loves.

She’s not real, of course, at least not in the traditional sense. I’ve probably invented her a thousands times over. She’s the nameless entity I’ve created in my mind that I strive to become every, single day. She is unique to us all, the image of what we want to see in our own reflections. Physically, maybe, but it goes deeper than that. We want our mirror images to show us something better than our status quo, each of us formulating particular milestones we need to hit to get there.

Whether it’s to be the marathoner, the successful journalist, or the adventurous traveler, we have dreams that we’ve filed away in the back corners of our minds labeled Maybe Someday. Our desperate longing for stability and comfort inhibits us from going after what we truly want, regardless of what the rewards of doing so may be. But this is the moment you can change that. As they say, if you’re waiting for a sign, this is it. Here’s how to turn into the person you haven’t had the courage to become, while still loving yourself in the process.

Make a List

Not only will it help you keep track of what you truly long for, it will also tell you the difference between a fleeting dream and an actual life-changing goal.  If running a half marathon has been on your list for over a year and you haven’t felt the need to erase it, you better get those sneakers tied up. Wanting something long enough isn’t going to make it happen, it’ll only be a steady reminder of what you’ve been putting off. Once you know it’s an honest desire, actively begin taking the steps to get there.

The Decision Has Already Been Made

If you can’t possibly imagine living the way you are now for another year, then there’s nothing else you need to decide. It’s no longer could you change your life, but when will you do it. You need to re-evaluate your priorities and realize that sacrifices are a part of the process. You will have to give up your comfortable salary and deal with living paycheck to paycheck to work freelance at your dream job, but the time in turmoil is worth going after a passionate and fulfilling career. If staying stagnant is unbearable, then you’re no longer waiting to make decisions…you’re just delaying a necessary course of action.

A Journey Begins With A Single..

Job application. Gym membership. Plane ticket. Think of your journey by the baby steps you need to take to get there. Breaking it down piece by piece will make it more manageable. You’ll feel more triumphant when you accomplish the little things rather than viewing it as one giant leap of faith. It’ll boost your own confidence knowing that if you could do that one tiny part, then you could certainly make it one step further. You don’t always need to know where the entire trail will take you, you just have to be sure of the direction you’re going in. If one small change is stopping you from moving forward, then you need to go back to step one and reconsider.

The Grass Is Greener

In the Instagram pictures. Be sure and clear of what you want, enough so that you’re willing to defend yourself should you be put in that position.  Keep in mind that you often only see the glamorized side of what you think will make you happy. That 1970s Rise Valencia filter can make anything look dreamy. (Oooo volunteering abroad would be so beautiful and adventurous!) Keep in mind you’d have to give up your convenient lifestyle, your clean water, your friends, your Sunday morning Vinyasa flow class…Is it worth the sacrifices? Only when you’re positive you can give up your current routine to pursue this dream should you invest in your extra large rolling duffle. A pro/con list never hurt anyone.

Recognize What’s Holding You Back

Fear? Doubt? Other people? You know what’s even scarier than failing? Knowing that you will never succeed if you don’t put something up at risk. It may take a serious amount of time to work towards your goal, but this time in going to pass anyways so you might as well have your heart invested in it. If other’s disagree with your choices, let them know they can step off this ride at their earliest convenience. This is your decision, consequences included. Other’s approval is unnecessary, it will only cause you to fall into a dark hole of trying to live up to others’ expectations.

Tattoo It On Your Wrist

Literally, no. But when the times get rough, which they undoubtedly will, keep a mantra close at hand to get you through it. A post-it in your wallet, a phrase written across your mirror, anything to remind you that setbacks are merely reminders that you’ve committed to putting in the work. The pledge you’ve made to yourself is stronger than the temptation to quit will ever be. Besides, battle scars are always worth showing off and will serve you well once you’ve accomplished what you set out to do, proving that you have the strength to go further than you could have ever anticipated.

What You Have Is Enough

Excuses have a beautifully unexpected way of convincing us that we are incapable as we are. There will be chaos involved, it shows that you’ve made a significant decision (Keep it up!). Don’t fall into the trap that you need to spend your time preparing for it, you are more than ready if you’ve made it this far. It doesn’t matter if your calendar doesn’t allow it, or your parents try to deter you, your dedication and drive can overcome all of that. If you’re waiting for the perfect moment, it will never come. You make it work by adjusting your schedule, surrounding yourself with supportive company and dropping any dead weight. The hurdles you face are just a welcoming indication that you want this enough to rise above them.

Happiness Isn’t a Be-All End-All

As much as we are all in the everlasting search for complete contentment, it’s not possible. Your extraordinary career will still have its ups and downs, your ideal relationship will still have disagreements, and there will forever be instances when you miss your connecting flight. If you’re looking for perfection, you need to realign your strategy. Remember, you are working towards a dream that is made up of high points to celebrate and low points to learn from, both equally necessary. The triumphs will make you the positive and confident person you want to be while the struggles will give you the resiliency to strive for more, both only existing when paired with the other.

This is a course of action to improve upon yourself rather than trying to emulate someone else. If you align you dreams with what you know is right for you, relentless commitment while sidestepping your doubts will get you to where you want to be. Repeat as necessary. TC mark









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